A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a situation that is becoming problematic. See, I have this friend, we'll call her Sophie. Anyway, Sophie is a good friend, we get on very well, she is funny and interesting and intelligent, and she really doesn't like my girlfriend, Laura.This is understandable because every time Sophie sees Laura, Laura is drunk and being rowdy and insulting and violent and stuff. Anyway, Sophie hasn't bothered beating around the bush about it - she thinks I can do better and should leave Laura.Laura is an alcoholic, and is making an effort to curb her problem. We are both aware of this and we know it's not going to be easy, but we're trying to get through it together.Anyway, Laura wants me never to see Sophie again, because she thinks it's like picking sides. Sophie is someone important to me, I want to keep her in my life. I suggested to Laura that Sophie and I stay off the subject of my love-life, but she is adamant that I stop seeing her altogether. Sophie, of course, just says "that woman is bad for you, she's trying to control your life!" Which makes everything worse.I am aware of the problems in my relationship already, I just have no idea what to do in this situation. Leaving Laura is out of the question, at the same time I don't want to lose a good friend just because my girlfriend tells me to. Help?
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (23 March 2009):
Sounds like you are lucky to have two women who care for you very much. I still stand by what I said... Laura may hate the idea of you hanging out with Sophie, but you are making excuses for her when you say "it's understandable". That's co-dependent behavior. You are excusing her from taking responsibility for a circumstance she created. It's punishing both YOU and SOPHIE for Laura's bad behavior. She's the one who acted drunk and crazy and now she has to deal with the consequences. Giving her the power to change your behavior here doesn't set a good precedent or good boundaries. Good boundaries (for you) are where you tell both women you've heard enough and to hold their tongues and mind their own business. They may kick and scream for a bit but ultimately they will respect you for standing your ground.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your answers.
Tigerlily: I have already explained to Laura just why Sophie doesn't like her, she knows perfectly well. She just hates the idea of me going out and spending the night with someone who is bitching about her behind her back, which I guess is understandable.
bemused: Believe me, I know what you're saying. I have to say though, "unpredictability"? Alcoholics are about the most predictable things on earth. Anyway, Laura has a drinking problem which she is trying to deal with. Our relationship, outside of that, is great. She is seeing a psychiatrist, she is in an alcohol awareness program, she has already made vast progress. It isn't an easy process and isn't solved overnight, we have setbacks and terrible days, but all in all, it's looking positive. If she weren't doing these things, I would have left her a long time ago. I go to Alanon meetings to learn how to deal with her when she slips. We are starting couples' therapy next month. I have to say, it's pretty much hell when she's drunk, but it's getting better and better and happening much more rarely. The reason that Sophie only sees Laura in that state is because Sophie works in a bar - they've seen each other twice in the last six months, both times at Sophie's bar, and it's not really the right environment for Laura to make a good impression, if you know what I mean... And Sophie is unnecessarily insulting, I have to say. If she stayed on the drinking problem, that would be one thing, but she goes onto things like "And she's putting on way too much weight!" which is just ridiculous. I know that she's just looking out for me, but it's creating a rift.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (21 March 2009):
 Hi there.
You mention that Laura is an alcholic so your relationship is no doubt no doubt riddled with the extra stresses and dysfunction that this always brings to a relationship. In the same post you say you could never leave Laura. Is your relationship codependent? Are you acting the role of enabler here? Are you really ok at the young age you are with with'dealing' with Laura's problem. Do you find her unpredictability exciting?
My sense is that this is a sort of dysfunctional relationship and it is pretty clear to those around you. Most people might be too polite to say so but Sophie has been honest with you.
An involvement with someone with drinking issues can be thorny at best. It does not take long to forget what a healthy relationship feels like as you learn to live in t denial which is how you learn to cope with the insults, rowdiness and violence. Obviously I will take at face value that you are trying to work things out. Are you planning on marrying this woman? Staying in this relationship? Does not sound like much fun to me.
You WILL have to make a choice. It would be my advice that you leave Laura but I suspect you will not. Sophie just had the guts to tell you the truth. If you stay with Laura, you will have to cut Sophie loose I am afraid. Eventually you may have to let any friends who are truthful like this go in order to salvage your relationship with Laura.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (21 March 2009):
Hmm. Well I think it's commendable, though a bit co-dependent of you, to be standing by Laura. You can't change other people, and I fear you are just setting yourself up for heartache. Your friend Sophie obviously cares about you and that is why she has made her objections to you being with Laura.
It seems to be that this situation is about boundaries. You need to tell Sophie that you appreciate her concern, but who you decide to be romantically involved with is your choice, not hers, and she needs to back off. As for Laura, she obviously wants Sophie out of your life because she feels threatened by her. You need to tell her that SHE herself is the one who has created the issues Sophie has with her through her own bad behavior, and she needs to take responsibility for that. Sophie is just being a friend and is concerned about you, with good cause. You need to tell Laura that while you love her and are there for her, she does not have the right to tell you who you can and can not be friends with.
Every relationship requires give and take. You are compromising by standing by Laura and dealing with her problems. So she needs to compromise by being tolerant of your friendship with Sophie. If she persists, then seriously... you need to tell her if she doesn't like it there's the door. That may seem harsh but this issue is larger than both of these women. This is YOUR life and you need to be strong enough and respect yourself enough to let go of relationships with people who cannot respect your boundaries.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Bonjour, j'suis un rockstar (one my very best French phrases along with J'ai ronronne).
well you could develop cloning and replicate yourself twice then give one to each friend and you go down to the beach? no how about cutting yourself in half? no? ok
how about talking to them and saying look i love you both lets get on - i will spend 33% of my time with each of us. (thats a third for you to) you don't bitch about the other and you behave or the deal is off and get your 1\3 rd for me to do as i choose.
star.x.
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