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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a slight dilemma. I have been going around to my best friends house almost every day for the past year now. (he is 22, i am 17). One day, about 5 months ago, he kissed me. I shall not go into further detail, however it has escalated to a lot more than just kissing over the past 5 months. No one else knows because of certain... complications (meaning he is already in a relationship). The thing is, almost every time it happens, he starts it and i say that we shouldn't, though he keeps going until i go along with it.Today, we started... making out or whatever, and i knew that he wanted to have sex with me. I told him straight out that i didn't want to do that, and he first said that he wouldn't do anything like that. He kept going, and i would ask for him to stop at a couple of occasions, but he just kept convincing me to continue. We ended up having sex, though i said i didn't want to, and wanted to stop on a number of occasions, though eventually gave in.I do love him, because he is my best friend. I feel like i can just be... me... around him. However, i know that this stuff has to stop, because something bad might happen. How can i say no without offending him?He is always there for me, and i dont want to lose that.... but... yeah.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): Friends shouldnt really cross that barrier in the first place to be honest,its a real good way of losing them. I have a female friend who I love to bits but would never go further as I Wouldnt want to lose her! The question is does he really love you? If he did he wouldnt ask to have sex, he would wait until the relationship he was in was finished! This isnt fair on yourself or the other person he is involved with. I would Tell him no! this cannot happen anymore, he seems to be using you to satisfy his own sexual desires. If he loses interest after this then you know to just call it a day with this person.
A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Totallyagree with Dr Pete, perfect answer there for you now, and now let me add my portion.
You need to learn some discipline, you know you should not be sleeping with him, so stop doing it. He is purely using you for sexual gratification and nothing more, dont you think you deserve better than that? NO ought to mean NO. Tell him straight,no more sex, end of, period, no comma, period. FULLSTOP. xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): Stop being so nice. You have to offend him if you want him to stop having sex with you.
You need to stand up for yourself (and all women) by saying NO. Until you do, you are re-enforcing his views that women don't have a right to say no.
Also - I don't know the guy - but if he seems more interested in having sex with you, I think he's successfully manipulated you in to making you think he cares, respects and understands you. You really think that's true?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): He's manipulating you. You know that thought you just had, about how he's a good guy and he's not just looking for sex and he really does care about you?Let me reiterate - he's manipulating you.He might be a good guy (probably not). He might really care about you (probably does, at least on some level). It might be incredibly complicated (almost always is). None of that matters. He's manipulating you.He may not even realize it. If he doesn't, that can make you feel a little better about not having gotten involved with a true a**hole, but it doesn't change anything. He's manipulating you. He's pressuring you to get what he wants. He might think you'll end up enjoying it and you just need to be convinced. He might just not be thinking. None of that matters. Read this very carefully. He is manipulating you.Stop trying to please him, b/c that's not your job. Seriously - it's not your job. Stop making out with him. Stop going over there. Stop seeing him. You clearly don't know how to say no. At 17, that's understandable - it's something we learn over time, after having a few bad experiences that really teach us what the value of saying no is. (And by the way, I'm not talking about saying no to sex - at 17, it's hard for most girls to say no to anything - we want to please everyone - our parents, our teachers, our best friend, our boyfriends ... there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but we need age and experience to develop an understanding of how to please people while remaining true to ourselves. We all stumble along the way.)Don't sleep with this boy again. Tell him you don't appreciate him pressuring you, that you don't think this is a good idea, and that you just can't be around him anymore.Stop that. You're thinking to yourself that you don't want to lose his friendship, b/c he's there for you when you need someone. He's older, and I bet he is a really great confidante. I've been there, believe me - a lot of us have. You've demonstrated that you can't say no to this guy. Next time won't be any better. Seriously - recognize that. No matter how great a confidante he is, allowing yourself to be put in a situation where you'll be pressured into having sex with someone you don't want to sleep with is immature, irresponsible, and absolutely not a fair price for any friendship. Part of being a grown-up is knowing your own limits and accepting them. It's just like learning when to stop drinking b/c on a particular night you need to be thinking clearly. This guy is manipulating you. You now have a chance to prove to yourself your own inner strength. Stop letting him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): Yuo told him you didnt want sex and he pushed you until you did anyway? Some friend...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): Well, what can I say, it sounds to me that you're friends with benifits. He just wants you for sex. Trust me, you wont hurt his feelings if you break it off with him. If you feel that he'll get offended, tell him that you dont want to be with him like you have anymore because he has a girlfriend and you dont want any problems.
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (13 June 2006):
 dear reader. you know the only way to stop this is stop going round there what i don't understand is why you have have told him to stop and then continued to go along with it you knwo his with someone else could you emagen how you would feel if it was the other way round. i'm not tell you off i know its hard to refuse something you want so much but can't you just speak to him he obviously don't think much of his current g/f or he wouldn't sleep with you so why don't you's just get together if thats what you both want. so write a letter, send him a text, tell him to his face but he needs to get the messege that this can't go on. if you need anythign else or just a chat you can contact me direct so feel free good luck hun get this mess sorted before it really does get out of controlall the best sweet xxx
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 You have to know that you see him as your best friend and he sees you as sex. If he is your best friend thats what he is. The moment you kissed him that changed and certainly after you had sex. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but he is not your friend. You know exactly what you did and you wanted to do it because if that wasn't the case he raped you and you and I both know he didn't. Furthermore, he has a girlfriend. He is obviously dishonest and not very loyal. You have been deceived and now you have to be an adult and recognize what is right in front of you. This man is not your friend and he wants nothing more from you than sex. You can fool yourself into believing that you have a solid friendship but thats just what it is fooling yourself. Good Luck.
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