A
male
age
30-35,
*antetsuken
writes:Right, OK. This is probably going to be very long so I apologise for that...I’ve recently split with my girlfriend. We were in a relationship for four years. I can’t stop loving her and thinking about her all the time and it’s got me really down and I seem to be thinking about her 24/7.I’ve never been good with splitting up. I was hung up over a girl I went out with for about two weeks for what seemed like a year... Imagine what I’m going to be like with four years...I’ll give some history. I met this girl when I was 16, nearly 17 and she was 15. Immediately the first time I saw her I knew she was something special. I don’t believe in love at first sight but this girl definitely had something about her that was different. We got talking and I got her email address. We spoke on MSN for a few weeks and eventually we ended up on a date. It took me a good while to pluck up the courage to ask her out officially but she said yes.What followed were most certainly the best days of my life. After about a year going out I was full-on head-over-heels in love with her. We had good and bad times but it seemed like it was never going to end. When I moved away to go to uni I thought things would have to end between us. But now I’m coming to the end of my third year of uni and we survived two and half years of it! I’m 21 and she’s 19.I’ll cut to the chase. She started Uni in September and also moved away from home, closer to where I am if anything. After about six months of her at Uni I head over to Manchester to see her and find her waiting at the station for me. Usually I walk to her flat, but no she’s stood there waiting. I know something’s wrong straight away. She invites me into a pub and isn’t very talkative. I just tell her to be out with it and she says she wants a break. She still loves me but she’s not sure that she’s “in love” with me. She also thinks she wants some time to herself without having to “worry” about having to see me. I’m upset but try not to let it show and I spend the rest of the day in Manchester with her as friends. We even sleep in the same bed that night. She says that I’m her best friend and that she doesn’t want to lose me in that aspect.A few weeks later it’s the Easter holidays and we’re both back home. I drive over to see her and basically say that I need to know, one way or another, what’s happening between us because it’s driving me insane. After a bit of a talk she says that we should split up properly. I’ve been seeing her a fair few times since, just as friends. I don’t want her out of my life and she doesn’t want me out of hers. It’s driving me mad though. We’ve met up several times, gone on nights out and slept in the same bed just like when we were together. We’ve even had sex a couple of times.Don’t get me wrong our relationship wasn’t perfect. She used to get drunk and violent and ruin a lot of nights out. She knows I don’t like smoking so she hid from me that she smoked for a year, maybe more. I’d rather she told me straight than hid things from me. Now she’s really starting to change, I can see it. She’s started doing weed and poppers with her uni mates, I mean nothing heavy but I don’t want her to end up on heavy stuff. I worry about her.Also every time she’s with this guy I get really jealous. She’s told me that they’re just friends and I believe her. But it tears me apart when I see them together. I stayed at hers two nights ago; I got a bit too drunk and said something I shouldn’t. What followed was a night of me crying a lot and getting very emotional. She started shouting at me saying that it hasn’t been easy for her either and of course she still has feelings for me. I ended up sleeping on the sofa and she slept in her room with this guy. There was someone else sleeping in her bed so they slept on the floor under the same sleeping bag. I mean they wouldn’t have done anything I don’t think but...It just really tears me up inside thinking about it.Now I’ve tried to apologise to her. I asked her if things are OK between us and she said yes. But she hasn’t really spoken to me. I’ve tried to speak online and she just ignored me. I sent her a text and asked if I could meet her and make it up to her. She said she was going to busy for a few weeks.Now I feel worse than I did before. I thought maybe I could get by if we were still meeting up and hanging out. But now she’s with these other friends, doing drugs, having a laugh. This girl that I was with for four years. The one I went through my university life with. Probably the best time in your life to meet girls and have fun I spent with her because she meant that much to me. Now as soon as she starts uni...BAM. We’re done.I can’t stop thinking about her smile, and all the good times we’ve had together. I can’t stop thinking about her with other guys. I can’t stop thinking about her doing drugs and maybe that my views on that kind of thing were just holding her back from what she wanted to do. Maybe that’s why we split up?I just want to sit down with her and have a very blunt, truthful conversation about how we got where we are, why we split up, how she feels about me, whether she’s been with anyone else etc. I NEED to know all of these things otherwise I don’t think I can even consider moving on. I don’t think she’d be willing to do that though. I love her so damn uncontrollably and it’s killing me.Sorry that was so long but it feels good to get things off my chest...I think my biggest problem is that I don’t want to get over her, I just want her back. But after all this...if she came back to me and wanted to give it another go, I’m not so sure I’d say yes...Not so much of a question really. But what do you think?
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a break, best friend, drugs, drunk, jealous, msn, split up, text, university, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Well your question has been here 2 days without an answer so I will try, even though I did not read all your post. You should but a helmet on before reading any further.
Got your helmet on? Good.
“…I just want her back”
It does not matter what you want.
Most people break up with the person they really love at least once in their life. Throughout history and around the world people go through what you are. Countless stories, poems and songs have been written about it. A broken heart hurts so much it feels it will kill you. And you know the worst part? It won’t kill you; you have to live through it. No one has ever died from a broken heart by its self. All those people in all those stories, poems and songs made it through their broken hearts and you will too. You don’t want to hear this now and you will not believe it until you go through it but time and time alone heals a broken heart. And it does it every time.
“I can’t stop loving her and thinking about her all the time and it’s got me really down and I seem to be thinking about her 24/7.”
You need to stop doing that. Most men make a fool of themselves over love once in their lives, so you might as well have your go now. Just make sure you don’t cause any permanent bad consequences for yourself or anyone else.
If you read my column there are several questions from young men like you who obsessed with the girl who breaks up with them. Several wrote question longer than yours, if you can believe it. I will give you the same traditional advice I gave them, you need physical exercise to break your obsession. Play a sport, (team or solo), run, ride a bike, do push-ups, toss cabers, it doesn’t matter what. You just need to work till you are exhausted 3 or 4 times a week. It will give you something to do and think about while you are waiting for time to work the cure.
Good luck and hope this helps.
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