A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having serious issues with my ex. He broke up with me because of his low self-esteem and his misplaced belief that I am too young for him. I was absolutely devastated, still am, because it was the last think I expected and I thought we were perfect together. As it is I'm having a hard time getting over him, I know that time heals all wounds but it's very hard to accept when there were times when he begged me not to leave him and swore undying love for me. But I do realise that I have to try and move on, and some days are better than others. But he keeps dragging me back into his life. A few weeks ago I got a drunken phone call from his mates, which really upset me. He apologised but it was awful for me. He refused to come to a friend's party at a public place because we needed space, but then on the night sat just a few metres away from us with a group of people from work. And last night he turned up at the pub where I was celebrating another friend's birthday. Mistakenly believing that he was sitting too far away to see I was joking around with a guy, sitting on his lap and stuff, until one of my friends told me that my ex had just stormed out. I realise that I was being petty, because I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't made me feel so awful by turning up. But I was just so sick of being upset about him. He's been openly flaunting his flirting with other girls, which kills me, and had a huge go at me when I told him that it was going to take me more than 3 weeks to move on when I love him so much. I apologised to him for last night because I don't want him to see me as a bitch and I'm genuinely sorry for hurting him because that was not my intention. I guess I just need some advice about how to move on or how to deal with him. I try and try to move on but he keeps dragging me back into this mess and its killing me. I love him so much and he is so fragile, he has so so many issues and he's changed so much in the month since we broke up. I don't want to abandon him while he destroys himself, but at the same time I don't want to destroy myself.
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (26 April 2008):
 He's playing, and it's not a nice game. He's enjoying tormenting you, which is not only unfair it's positively wicked.
You really can't let the feelings you have for him get in your way now. Also, you can't let your concern for his welfare put you in danger of being damaged emotionally any more than he's done to you already.
You have to move on and away. As I see it you have two choices:
If you are strong enough, you ignore him. You don't respond to his behaviour. You act as though you had never known him. Acknowledge him, certainly. Say hello, but that's all. Above all, when he plays the trick of getting drunk (or anything else that plays on your natural instinct to go and help him), you leave it to other people to sort him out.
If you are not strong enough to do that, then you have to avoid everywhere he might turn up - until you have someone else strong; a new boyfriend/partner who you have told of the difficulties and who you trust absolutely and who stays with you when this unpleasant clown starts to be difficult. It goes against my instinct to encourage you to take that route, because it means that to some extent he has "won" - he has driven you away from places and people you want to go and have every right to go, but that may be your only option for a while.
Fight. Don't let him drag you down.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): You make it sound like I'm projecting issues on him because he's rejected me. That's definitely not the case, because I dealt with his issues the whole time that we were together - to the point where i would have him crying into my lap because he was so upset and felt so awful about himself. The way that he is acting is not typical of him at all - I knew him for a long time before we got together - and he's pushed away his only good friend to hang out with people from his new job who barely know him and I doubt would be willing to give him the support he desperately needs. I know this sounds a little desperate on my part but he is incredibly fragile - his ex before me was constantly abusing him, often in public, and cheated on him all the time.
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