| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hi, i wrote about this problem i have a while ago and while i got some answers im still confused so i thought id ask again!rite. iv been going out with my boyfriend for around three years. he is a really nice guy and we get on really well together. we live close to each other and spend a lot of time together just hanging out. i do love him but lately i have been wondering if its right that we stay together. my main problem is that he rarely wants to sleep with me. we both live at home with parents so in order to do anything physical a good bit of scheming has to be done! about a year ago i realised that i was always the one trying to arrange things and always the one making a move on him. i feel like i keep having to nag at him to want to sleep with me, but lately iv pretty much given up doing that as it just makes me feel bad about myself and the situation in general. iv spoken to him about it and each time he says that of course he wants me, doesnt just want to be my friend, will try harder, but he never does anything about it. its not just that i want to have sex but i think that if your in a long-term relationship, in love with someone, then that kind of intimacy is necessary. why does he not feel the same? whenever im with him things are great, we get on as normal, but when im alone i cant stop thinking about it.to make things more confusing there's another guy that im kind of interested in. i know that if your going out with someone its ok to have feelings for other people, you cant cut yourself off completely, but iv been friends with this guy for nearly 2 years, we get on really well, but when im with him it always seems weird that we're not together - like if we're saying goodbye and dont hug or going for a walk or something it feels like it would be natural to hold hands. till a while ago iv just thought of this as a friendship but now im thinking more and more about what it would be like to be with my friend. there's just a really strong chemistry there.i don't necessarily want to leave my boyfriend and try to start something with my friend (he has a girlfriend anyway) but they are just two weird problems that have happened at the same time and they both seem to make each other worse. like if i was just having a sex problem with my boyfriend and not half-thinking of my friend it wouldnt be so bad, or if i liked my friend and things were completely awful with my boyfriend and i wanted to break up with him that wouldnt be so bad either.i suppose my question is - what do you think about my boyfriends lack of interest in sleeping with me (its now been 4 months and 3 months before that)? and the other guy...??oh, and i also feel awful for thinking about this other guy behind my boyfriends back, like im cheating on him in my head or something.
View related questions:
has a girlfriend, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Springbok +, writes (7 January 2007):
 Hi!
I understand what you mean, and I also know that there are so many view points to answer this question...
Im 26, and when I was younger I had many relationships that did not work out. I was really confused, and really could not understand why it felt so great in the beginning, and after a while we just grew apart...
My point im trying to make is that people need to have they’re own time, and own space from time to time, and I personally think that we as people don’t take the time to take time to get to know the person because of the sexual side... The media has really taken something special between to people in a marriage situation, and just blew it up...
Everywhere you look, you see and hear companies using sex to market something… Watched a movie the other night, and the couple were having problems in they’re relationship, then they skip all the fights and drama's that goes with this, and show the two people having sex, and after that everything is back to normal... That is one huge Heap of Bull's Ass!! I think that the media has really commercialized Sex into a selling tool! Sex has really become a weapon, and so many people are using it to cover up the tears, and scars, but sooner or later it will blow, and then it will be too late because the couple did not really take time to communicate, or just time out of the hectic day to just chat and get to know each other on a deeper level...
It’s so sad, but more and more people are getting divorced, and there are more broken relationships in the world...
The world has painted us a picture of how, and what we should do in order to make a relationship work and that is why so many relationships fail eventually...
We allow ourselves to be brainwashed…
Im a very passionate and affectionate person, and I thought the way to show someone how much you cared was through sex, and being intimate with your partner, but I can tell you that it wrecked all of my previous relationships...
Example: Boy meets girl, and there is chemistry between them, and we mistake that feeling with love, but I actual fact there is a huge difference between "being in love", and "real love"... His friends all had sex before, and that puts pressure on him...the same goes for her, and they really don’t want to be the only one’s in the group that has never had sex...
They start building the relationship on sex, and it feels great because their friends are boosting their egos, but after a while they start talking less, and the feelings they had for each other just faded away!
They get frustrated, because they sense that something is wrong... They try to fix it by being intimate, but that just ignores the subject... It’s like a ticking time bomb...
One day when it explodes, it’s almost certain that the relationship won’t survive! They realize that they really don’t know each other from a bar of soap! They were living past each other! It’s like the parable of the two houses...
The one "man" built the foundation of his house on sand (world advice), and really couldn’t take the time to build a solid foundation that will stand through any storm...He skipped all the preparations just to get to the best part!
The second man Build his house on a huge rock (God), and took the time to build a solid foundation that will stand strong through any storm! He took a lot longer to build his house, but on the long run he reaped the rewards...
A huge storm hit the two houses, and just like that the first house fell apart... the foundation was weak, and couldn’t handle the storm...
The second house stood strong, despite all the storms it faced, because the foundation was rock solid!!!
If they took the time to start the relationship the right way, maybe they could have survived the storm! When we build our relationship (foundation) on the principles of the bible, you can be sure that God will help you through any storm…
I attended a course on relationships, and how to do it the right way, and I can assure you there is only one way, and that is God’s way…
It’s like a triangle…The triangle represents the relationship and the top represents God, with the two other corners representing you, and your partner... The foundation represents your faith, and the more you grow closer to each other through faith, the closer you grow to God…
Imagine if all of us were deaf, and could not speak…There will be chaos! Communication is the key to really getting to know someone, and learning to trust each other. We choose not to communicate sometimes because of fear… We fear the unknown, but most of all rejection, and it’s only human, but I think we can overcome our fears when we face them!
If we want a relationship to be rock solid, do it the right way, and if just like me you started the wrong way, talk to your partner about it, and make a stand to do it the right way! Start from scratch! I hear that sex in marriage is one million times better!!
If we have all the excitement now, what will we be doing when we are married…? That is probably the reason why many partners cheat on each other…
Sex was created by God to be enjoyed in a MARRAIGE, and God promises us he will honor, and bless the Marriage if you honor Him, and do it the right way! Sex before marriage is a recipe for disaster, and I know this now after making many mistakes!
If your partner really thinks the relationship is worth saving, and the effort of doing it the right way, he won’t back off! I had sex before in previous relationships, and I told my girlfriend about it, because I really want our relationship to work out, and if it means giving up sex until we get married, ill make the sacrifice because she’s worth the sacrifice! It’s not an easy road, and the temptations will be there, but only if you allow it…
Think about this, and talk to your partner about the relationship…Tell him what is making you feel insecure, hurts you, and puts you off… If we don’t tell each other, how will we know what to do, and what our partners likes, or even dislikes…
Give him a turn to tell you what makes him feel insecure, hurts him, and what puts him off aswell…Really listen to each other, and don’t interrupt each other no matter how hard it is! They say you have a choice to either react to something, or respond… Talk it out without getting angry, and if need be get a referee when you see it going nowhere… We are human, and we make mistakes!
Learn to understand how he thinks, and how he reacts to certain situation, but the same goes for him! If he knows you don’t like it when he does something that hurts you, next time he won’t do it because now he knows… It’s about learning to except each others mistakes, and ways of doing things… If he gets jealous easily, don’t give him a reason to get jealous and the same goes for the other person… Learn to accommodate each others ways, because you can’t change someone, you can learn to accommodate it, and make life easier for each other! It’s about loving an imperfect person perfectly, because there is no such thing as a perfect man, or perfect woman, and not even Santa Clause! Oops, hope I did not disappoint someone! Just kidding!
Well, hope my answers ( short story) can help you in the future! I did not realize it was so long, guess I got stuck in the moment, but it’s because I have been there, and I have worn the t shirt! Hope you could work it out, and remember you know what you have in your partner, but you never know what you getting with someone new, until you get to know each other, and then it might be too late… The grass always looks so much greener on the other side of the fence, but its because of all the Bull s@$t...LoL!
Cheers,
Springbok
A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Well i think you have already made your decision that you are not happy with your boyfriend, nagging him about the lack of sex is not helpful. He may have a low sex drive in which case you need to decide if sex is more important than you relationship with him, although i agree sex is usually a good part of a relationship. If your boyfriend has always been like this, then the chances are he's not going to change and if he doesn't feel like it, then he doesn't feel like it and shouldn't be made to feel bad about this. I guess because you are frustrated it is natural to look around and it's a good thing you haven't acually done anything with anyone else. you ay this other guy has a gf so how do you know if he's interested in you? But before you think of doing anything with this other guy you need to decide if you want to stay with your boyfriend ask him if he's happy with the way things asre between you and if he's happy with your sex life. This will get the ball rolling for a conversation about your relationship in general. When you have made a decision and if you decide to end it, then ask this other guy how he feels about you.
Sort one problem out first and this needs to be whether you want to stay with your boyfriend or not and that is a question only you can answer!
...............................
|
