A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and gals,im having trouble with my gf currently.shes moaning at me to get out of debt. i flamingoed up, i put my hands up to that. right, backstory. I want to get to places and go to plateu's in my life, and for that i need money - to enjoy myself, treat myself, move out, fund my future.we had a chat last year about the being in debt situation, and it has mildly improved from my perspective.(i write from my perspective because i know that there are always 3 sides to a story, my opinion, their opinion, the facts) last year, i was over my monthly allowance, income smaller than outgoings. this year i have been borderline break even/just over the break even line. meaning im not all the way into my overdraft each month anymore.however, i am a bit of an impulse buyer/shopper, i admit to that aswell. she has helped me to control those urges, and i have kept away from friends who encourage the impulse buying scenario as best i can without loosing their friendship. except the other weekend. i bought a set of tools, and parts for my car totalling £400. i lied about the tools at first because tbh, i didnt want her moaning at me about it. i claimed that the tools came free if i bought a certain amount of parts over a stated amount.she figured out that i didnt get the tools free, and asked me if i bought them, to which i reluctantly said yes. she had a go at meabout lie-ing and why i did it. i openly admitted lying because i did not want to get moaned at, frustrated by or anything else about it, i wanted the toolkit on a friends recommendation, and also my own line of thinking, plus my current toolset is lacking. i felt the tools would pay for themselves over time as i would not have to keep going to mechanics to pay for bits to be checked etc. i do tonees of miles and the car often needs new parts as a result, i dont want to pay garage prices when i can do the job myself.now my girlfriend is saying that i should be thinking about my future and our future as a couple, my friends are telling me she's just being selfish and wants me to pay for everything. which when your friends are saying that, you start to ponder yourself.her situation from my point ofview.- she dosent pay anything towards me driving her around, she says she would, i have to just ask. asking for money i feel is rude and moraly objectable, but however, i am asking for consideration and politeness. i dont care if she dosent pay, as long as she offers something towards it. shes having trouble grasping this concept.she has her own car, but barely drives that, it's still got delivery mileage on it, she wont drive it out of her own town. when im driving her to mine, she feels she dosent have to contribute towards petrol or anything because im going that way anyway. - again with this i feel that she should still be considerate and offer something, even if its misely, i would like the gesture.we have spoken on the phone, and again she feels im being silly asking for money as she's entitled to the ride because shes my gf and im going that way anyway. - i feel she is being backwards, she says she wants to help me save money for a future, but nearly half my income goes on petrol to and from work, then from work to her house and back to minei am also thoroughly fed-up with her attitude towards me fixing my car she dosent seem to understand that my car is going to break, need servicing, need new parts.i dont feel like she's being equal in this relationship sometimes, my friends all tell me she isnt and that their gf's contribute a bit towards pertol etc, as i understand it £700est. debt is quite small for people my age aswell...wat can i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni explained my situation the other day to my friends aswell. they arent so up to date as you are and regretfully one of my friends has sturred the pot, she now feels like she is the evil witch...help with this aswell would be nice, we where getting on quite well untill he chimed in with a bitchy comment
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for responding so dilligently tisha1 your posts are eye opening and insightful, they give me a perspective i have never looked at before in terms of what my lady is saying.
i am confused about the whole thing though, i dont earn a great deal, she knows how much i earn and spend on petrol, she makes out i am on megabucks. when shes not terribly realistic. i am 22, on the second year of my *apprenticeship* so peanuts money, my workplace is out in the sicks with no transport, so a car is a must, maintaining it is very important. iv told her i dont expect to own a house or rent a flat for a another 2 payrises yet.
you do speak some home truths aswell, yes maybe i am not using my earning potential to it's best. however i have not been silly with my money creating thousands of pounds of debt on useless junk.
from my standpoint when she says "im best off with your friend cause he has more money" its a demotivator, when she says "i want you to pay for the house/flat/whatever, ill contribute to food when im over" is a demotivator and creates the impression she's selfish and would just use my gains and space to get away from her family that she does not like. i feel a little bit like i am around just to make her comfy and she dosent have to contribute. i probably already subconciously know what shes up to and spending the money to protect myself.
she has been very pushy recently in terms of growing up and things, but she phrases it in a way that centers around her. then once she has her way, she pushes for more. she never seems to be happy. i live an hour away from her and work. and i have asked her on many occasions to drive her car to my workplace which is an extra 15 mins away from her house and leave her car on the fourcourt where it will be safe, she flat out refuses. she sees her ex bf instead in the dark which she claims she hates driving in. so i feel short-changed about this. i wil sort out m financ, but also think hard about where this relationship is going, atm i feel a lot like her slave :(
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Thanks for posting your letter and her reply, that was amazingly helpful and detailed.
Okay, for you, you have to lift your gaze from the details to the big picture, because she isn't on about the toolkit. This isn't about the toolkit or the coffees or paninis for her. She doesn't WANT to be your mother or your caretaker or your nag. She wants you to seize initiative and show that you are on top of this situation now. I don't think she's being cruel, to be honest. I think she's simply laid her deepest concerns and fears out there for you and due to the differences in male/female communication, you are taking it not as she intended.
Obviously you two have a longer issue with trust and control (the comment about the ex) than you laid out here.
This woman is telling you that she wants a future with you. That's a big deal. She is making future plans--a house, kids, a shared life with you. She's frustrated because she perceives you as not being fiscally mature enough to do it, and that you are floundering in a major way.
I wonder if you aren't even more like myself than I had realized and that you are sabotaging the relationship through these irresponsible spending behavior because you aren't really ready for that future right this moment? It's okay that you aren't ready to move in and make babies just yet--that's simply timing--but you do need to be very clear with her what YOUR schedule is. "I won't be ready to move in together and start a family for at least ___ years." [You fill in the blank, 3, 5, 7, 10, whatever YOUR schedule is.]
You are feeling badgered and nagged and underappreciated because your timings are very different right now. She may simply have reached the stage that she wants these things NOW and you are obviously a long way from them, and this is the issue that is keeping you from moving forward in the way she wants. I think that subconsciously you may be propagating this issue in order not to face this question right this minute. She is waiting for you to ask her to marry her, to have saved enough for a down payment, to be the proverbial masculine breadwinner. You keep buying coffees and paninis because you secretly aren't ready. You may say you WANT to be ready but you are not.
If you decide with a great deal of self-examination, introspection, and reflection that you WANT to be ready, then you are going to have to demonstrate that you are looking beyond toolkits and coffees to the major things by setting a financial plan for yourself. A 5 to 10 year action plan, written down, realistic and fiscally sound. Get some help or find tools through your bank or an accountant friend or your parents. That's what I mean by lift your gaze from the toolkit. This is so much bigger than the toolkit. How are you going to have money in the bank at the end of the year? How are you going to save money? How are you going to invest money? How are you going to get to those goal in life? What is your roadmap? THAT'S what you should be working on. Not this month's finances. You should be working on your LIFE'S finances.
It may be that she won't be able to wait. That she wants this stability now and you are years from it. That is a great shame and pity but one thing I have learned about life is that it is about timing. I've also learned that life is VERY unfair and it throws all sorts of nasty things at you when you are least prepared.
This financial quagmire you find yourself in is a situation of your own making and you owe it to yourself to get out of it. Make that plan. It's hard and it will require sacrifice on your part, giving up coffee and paninis may only be the beginning. Now take the coffee/panini money that you've not spent and SAVE it, INVEST it, after you pay off your debts. Think beyond next week. Think to three years from now.
So your girl has basically given you the ultimatum. Are you marrying her or not? If you are not ready, be open and frank and honest with her. "I am not ready for that decision now." It's not a crime, it doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means you are not ready yet. If you feel you ARE ready, then you have to get yourself a financial makeover and a plan, with a professional. THAT will get you off to your life plans with a good, solid start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe has written back with: Ok, I have read everything you have just written. It is not about what guy I normally go for or why you do things etc. The main thing it's down to is you saying you promise to do something about the money situation and you just go and do the opposite. Don't compare yourself you a uni leaver. Just because someone may have more debt then you doesn't make it right. You haven't gone to uni and done what they have. You have gain your debt in your own ways. But I don't want to keep having to go over it again and again, because you don't seem to listen. Yes I agree you don't get coffees but you still spend the money in other ways like the tool kit. I am not going to tell you what to do anymore. You have to be grown up and make these decisions by yourself, think of the solutions to your problems yourself and act on it. Instead of being told what to do, following orders. Or just hiding from the problem and not doing anything about it at all. I know you have been patient with me in the past and that is why I have been so patient with you, I now it may not have seemed like it at times. So I leave you with the thoughts of: What you want to do with your life. What things you want in your future, and how you can achieve them, and finally... How you can prove to me you are going to do something about the problem in hand. Act on it. If you want something bad enough you'll succeed. You should never give in just because you fell at the first hurdle. This is true for many aspects of life. You are in charge of your own life, no one else, and only you can help to get yourself out of situations you have got yourself into. Currently I feel like I have been forced into a corner and maybe this is the only way I can get you to listen to me properly. I am not using this as a scare tactic or an empty threat. I need you to be able to support me and our family in the future, if there is to be a future. I leave the ball in your court as I feel there is nothing else I can do for us, only you have the power to do something. - i feel i was correct, and said to her that it seems like shes already on the break but making me squirm and that if she is, she is cruel for doing so i also reminded her that i said i would return the toolbox, and pay £200 onto the card at the end of the month....that's over half my debt wiped off in one fell swoop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to update, she is now thinking of a break- possibly seperating alltogether, my friend said that she simply says to him that i dont earn enough to take her out and treat her, and she plans to date him because he earns more than me...either way i wrote her this letter:tbh I am clueless, all I know is that im a good guy, that learns the hard way sometimes, I don't want it to be that way, but its the way it seems to be, I can't help myself for some reason. I have been trying my hardest to break habits, I hope that you have seen that. and when its a habit, sometimes you are going to slip. I kept the receipt of the tools, but have not got the box they came in, so I can take them back on the weekend and hopefully get some if not all of the money back. I don't have the receipt for the lifting tools, that got lost when moving my room around. - some of your advice is sinking in somewhere though. I hope that you realise I am a genuine guy and try my hardest for you, to keep you happy im not a hard guy or bad boy like you normally go for, so maybe that's against me, but consider all my good qualities and ambitions. I am still a fresh mould to be worked on, I know im only making my debt seem smaller by saying this, but at least im not a uni leaver with 15k debt. a lot of people take things for granted, what we don't see is that people our age do go out and spend a lot of money and are in debt, and take it as it comes then end up worse off getting their house repossessed. so far this year I feel that I have made major improvements, and made the most of my situation. I have toned down my contact with Craig because he encourages spending, I have stopped having coffee's and panini's - you know how much I love those! I have been working extra hard at work, to get noticed, learn more, get certifricates, to make a career and to start a decent life for myself, I do have a future in mind, but it's just a little blurry and hard to get at right now. I have the distance of work against me, car finance, which I know was a huge mistake and I have got under control now. I have stopped taking my car to the garage when there is a problem with it so much and asking around on forums and Richard for help. I got the tools on the basis that what I save on garage costs I can get use-able tools for, I didn't think it through and just went with what Richard said to get, I was convinced my toolkit wasn't enough :( - I hope you understand the logic behind this. please see that I have done a lot for you in the past year and I have put effort into changing habits, and they are continuing to change and evolve. it may be background work that you don't see and foreground work that you do see, like letting you speak to your ex even though I am 100% against it. I have changed as a person and become better because I want to keep you around, I want to settle down with you, there will be hard decisions in the future, and I hope to god that I make the right ones, but at the end of the day we are human and do make mistakes. xlet me know what you make of this situation, i feel she wants instantaneous change, where money is involved it can only happen on a monthly basis etc im not sure im doing enough to compare to my friend rich anymore
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2010):
I just read your followup. Thanks for that! My suggestion is that you get the bank to help you by setting aside a good lump of funds each paycheck that get put away in savings/investment instruments in such a way that you can't access them easily. If you have a catastrophe and have urgent needs for them, you should still be able to get them out, but socking them away for your future would be a sensible thing. You know yourself and your habits, use the tools out there as a means to help you help yourself.
Sit down and write that dreaded monthly budget and STICK TO IT. Find inexpensive ways to entertain yourself. There are books written by people who have spent a year buying NOTHING new and eating very carefully and finding free entertainment. That's what you need to do.
Look, I lived in the UK. I know a little about it. I know that public transport is everywhere and far sight cheaper than driving your own rickety automobile. I managed to live without a car for 5 months there! Yes, an entire 5 months! I took the tube, buses, and trains. I did the household shopping and went out and found ways of getting around. It can be done. I also know that beer is cheap and alcohol expensive. Clubbing can be a huge dent in your budget. Figure out what you spend on necessities and what you spend on crap and what you spend on 'nice to have' but not necessary.
You do NOT want to be living at your parents in 5 years, do you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2010):
Look, there's nothing fun about being on a tight budget. It's a pain in the backside and you feel like you are missing out on stuff. I can tell you though that you will really hate yourself if you wind up much older with no funds and a huge debt and having to work to pay old debts instead of enjoying nice things and a nice standard of living.
You are living above your means, if you are just at the breakeven point. You are not putting money away for your future, you still live with your parents and that is not going to magically correct itself. This requires effort and dedication on your part.
I'm sure it's not fun to be nagged at by your girlfriend, just as it is not fun to be nagged at by your parents. The reason your parents do it is because they love you. The reason your girlfriend does it is likely because she loves you. If she wanted a guy with tons of ready cash, you wouldn't be it, from the sound of it. So she's with you for a reason.
To me, what I suspect is that you don't like to hear about being more responsible and more future-conscious because you aren't ready to hear it. Your girlfriend sounds as though she's ready to become a bit more of an adult and wants to plan for the future. Why is that a bad thing? Instead, you turn around and moan about how she's not paying her share of petrol. I know about how expensive relationship travel can be, I was in an LDR for two years. We had to come up with plane tickets and phone calls, this was pretty well before the age of Skype and IMing and all those instant ways of communication. If you begrudge the petrol to see your girlfriend, then you begrudge the relationship itself. What you are doing is trying to divert attention from the real situation (I'd go as far as to call it a problem) by drawing attention to a much lesser side issue. If it bothers you that much, just tell her your car is out of commission except for work transport, and that you will need her to arrange her own transport to your place. Then don't use the car for anything other than commuting to work. Easy.
If, on the other hand, you can manage to rummage up funds to fill the car with petrol and run around and do other things purely for pleasure, then you really shouldn't begrudge her the cost of the petrol of coming to get her.
The REAL issue that you are attempting to ignore, and somehow make HER fault because she is shamelessly gouging you for petrol, is that you are living above your means. Unless you want to still be living with your parents in 5 years time, don't you think it would be a good idea to get that under control?
Personally, I think you are still too financially naive to be making any long-term plans anyway, and perhaps the best thing to do would be to let her go, as you sound filled with resentment about this.
I also think you are being a typical short-sighted, pleasure-driven young man. Time generally fixes that, as you near your 30s, you will begin to really panic and realize you should have sorted all this out NOW.
If she was a money-grubbing fortune seeker, she'd have moved on from you by now, I think. Just my personal opinion, of course, I don't know her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you tisha1
i think having someone speak from experience has opened my eyes slightly, i have apologised to my girly for being a knucklehead about it.
the toughest challenge i now face is changing my own habits, it's not been/will be easy, but i am slowly starting to get them to change. im so used to just buying what i want when i want it, then leaving things for a few months, then doing the same again. i need to convince myself that i should be paying off my debts, not making them bigger!!
its difficult, as a person i do not like change, i will only change if something stops working, for me i *wrongly* feel that the way things are going it is working in a jagged kind of way. but when it comes to that stop point i may not be able to help myself anymore and then i will be in for it! must work against myself to get my finances ion order
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2010):
So you have a spending problem but you think it's because your girlfriend doesn't pay for the petrol you spend when you are with her? Is that the gist of your question?
Look, you have two issues here. One is your financial habits, the other is the girlfriend and the building resentment on each side.
That £700est. debt that you are carrying will cost you loads of money as you are paying back interest over the years. That 'small' debt could wind up costing you another £300 if you pay only the minimum, and it will take you 4 years to repay it. That's assuming you don't do any more spending.
If you looked at putting that £700 into the bank, with interest, it would turn into £2700 in 20 years. So rather than actually you having to earn money to repay that debt, that money would be making more money for you.
You are young still and have a lot of growing up to do, but I must tell you that money saved NOW, when you are young and have lots of time to allow it to grow, will give you much more money for when you are older and have the time to spend it in your retirement!
Yes, you should be having fun and entertaining yourself, but consider this, every pound you spend now on some fleeting fun could mean that you will have to earn £5 when you are older to make up for those missing savings.
Other people are planning for their future. You can't see past your present right now, and this will cost you dearly later. My suggestion is that you sit down with a financial planner or your banker and have a good long look at your plan for 5, 10, 20 years from now. See how THAT future looks with your current spending patterns.
So I can see your girlfriend's point. You are frittering away your own future and that isn't very intelligent. Has it occurred to you she might be saying all these things for your own good? That you ought to be listening to her instead of doing your own moaning about the cost of petrol and her lack of contributing to that? Take her financially out of the situation and you are STILL spending money you don't have. That's simply a recipe for you being a nice cash cow for the banks for years. They get to charge you interest and grow their own accounts at the expense of yours.
Maybe we should flip this question. Maybe the question is, are you really financially ready for a long-term commitment? Maybe you are still thinking like a teenager, and that money magically appears when you need it, from parents or from friends, and perhaps this means you aren't really ready to build a future with someone. It's not a crime, if you're not ready. It's not the end of the world. It's just about timing. She's ready for something more and you are not.
As far as the petrol back and forth goes, make it simple. Tell her to take the bus. Then there won't need to be any argument about who's using what amount of petrol. Or sit down and work out mileage, petrol costs, which percentage is your responsibility and which is hers, then break it down and create a monthly fee for the privilege of using your car. I doubt either of those will go over well, but it might be eye-opening for both of you to work on the finances.
I get to tell you all these unpleasant things because I'm now on the other end of 50 and I know exactly how you are thinking. I used to think the exact same way. And when I think of the money I wasted on crap and interest and fees, that could instead have been EARNING me money all those years, it just makes me want to cry. Don't waste your hard-earned cash on nonsense now. You WILL regret it later.
You need to set up a budget and live to it. A wee bit of 'sacrifice' now will save you LOADS of cash later. This is a classic case of "I told you so" only it'll take you 20 years to see that I'm right. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncan i just add she is pressuring me to move out of my parents home, grow up a bit more and take more controll of my life.
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