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female
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*icky_1
writes: Here goes, I'll give you the edited version. My boyfriend has an ex-wife and a 3 year old daughter, I have an 8 year old and never married.His ex-wife is the vindictive type and his daughter is spoilt rotten and uses foul language. My BF is very supportive and very loving, however I feel that I can't cope with the above mentioned facts. I thought I was strong enough to deal with his past but there's constant interfering!Every weekend my emotions do a roll-a-coaster ride as I know that's when his ex decides to do an appearance. We had a huge row last week when I saw the 2 of them walking down the road (he won't ever go back to her as she commited adultery).Our relationship's never been the same. What do I do??
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female
reader, Nicky_1 +, writes (14 July 2006):
Nicky_1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous reader, thanks for your reply. For the entire duration of my relationship with my BF I have put my needs last as I do understand that he has a responsibility towards his little girl.I've even offered an olive branch to his ex as to make the situation a little easier but she wants none of it.The reason I feel it's a bad thing for him to be walking down the road with his ex is because she has spread numerous untrue rumours about me and I know (as well as he does)that she wants to get back together again.I am not condoning my behaviour with my ex, it's just that I don't know what to do or who to speak to.It might seem like an easy situation,my explanation is seriously not doing it any justice, but believe you me it's hard.If only his ex-wife was civil about it I would've made an extra effort.Have you ever been in a relationship where everyone is against you and your relationship right from the start,and you having to constantly prove yourself? What about me and my life? I have no intention of going back to my ex, it was just a different scenario altogether.I do love my BF and have done everything to accomodate him and his family, when his daughter comes around I leave so that the 2 of them can spend quality time together.Thank you for your reply again anonymous reader but I think you're just seeing it as black and white....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): I suggest you walk. It sounds like you aren't very fond of his daughter in addition to his ex. You need to realize that it's in the child's best interest that her parents remain friends. They have a job to do TOGETHER until she's grown. YOU come second to his daughters best interests. And it also doesn't sound as if you're very committed to him either or you wouldn't be seeing movies with your ex. I don't understand how it's a bad thing for your boyfriend to walk down a public road with the mother of his child but it's o.k. for you to cozy up with your ex in a dark movie theater discussing reconciliation?? Leave now...so you can both find what you need.
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female
reader, Nicky_1 +, writes (14 July 2006):
Nicky_1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your insight, it really is remarkable!But I don't think I've made myself clear enough. My BF's entire family wants him to get back with his ex and they are not ashamed to let it be known.He's ex wife really is a piece of work, she even told her little girl that she doesn't like me!I honestly think I don't want to try anymore,it's just too hard, a constant battle.I love my daughter to bits and I don't want her to witness or experience what I'm going thru.There's something else that might be influencing my decision, when my boyfriend and I had the huge row I went with a girlfriend to a nightclub and walked into my ex-boyfriend.Believe you me I had no intention of meeting anyone, I just needed to get away.He approached me and we started talking and really had a good time (I still have strong feelings for him but I know it won't work because of our different religions.We went to the movies the next day and I had an amazing time, it was such a relief to not think about "an ex-wife or step daughter,"(I think about it constantly 24/7).My ex wants to start a relationship again but I told him to give me time (I haven't told him about my problems).This occured 5 days ago and he still hasn't called me.I'm stuck in a rut, all my own doing,because now on top of everything else I've allowed to see myself back with my ex,he in turn probably has an agenda too.I'm just an absolute mess, I feel rejected and in a relationship that has me feeling anxious all the time. All my own fault, I know....
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): You cannot do anything, except develop a strong, polite detachment from this woman. Allowing her to get to you like this is merely keeping the 'war ongoing'. Not only that but now your relationship with your bf is shaky! Don't allow this. The ex wife knows what type of affect she has on you and she's likely enjoying it. The pain of what happened in your bf's past is part of life, it's called baggage-something that you have no control over. But how you are reacting and responding to this ex-wife and his 'baggage' is why you are suffering and that is... optional. The only person you can control, is you. By constantly reliving all this dysfunctional pain of what happening, you are giving all your power away to his ex wife. Stop doing that. In time, when you have ignored her long enough, she will likely back off. Right now she's unhappy with her own life and is likely a very lonely person. Become stronger because realize, your bf has a child with her so he will have to be in contact with her for at least 15 more years. Whenever she attempts to interfere, or become nasty with you---take yourself out of the picture. Ignore her, leave the room, walk away....whatever it takes. She is your bf's problem-not yours-let him deal with her. As for the child..if there are visitations and the child has behaviour problems-all you and you bf can do, is to be good role models, set guidelines and offer direction with her. She is just a child and as far as she's concerned..her life was devastated when Mom and Dad divorced...something this little girl had no control over. Try to be patient, understanding and help her through that. The most positive thing you can do for this little girl, is to make a commitment to developing a loving, respectful relationship with her. When she comes to visit, no matter how obstinate she can be, stay calm and offer direction. It might help to eventually do things with this child on your own to build on a bond of friendship. Just stop thinking of this child as "her kid" and regard her as an individual-this child is part of the man you love, as well. Believe me when I say, you are a very pivotal person in that child's life. Take your position as her Dad's partner and try to make that a positive experience for you both. Keep being strong, dear and I wish you all the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): Have you told him what you want of him? Tell him how you feel and ask him if you can work on coming up with solution that works for you both?
Tell him that no child should be allowed to curse. Tell him that he should be concerned that his daughter is vulgar. It is for the child's best intrest and his that they work on changing that bad habit.
That is unfortunate that her mother can be that vile and ugly that she can be verbally abusive and use such foul langauage. I am ashamed to know a woman can be like that.
I think the three year old has it the toughest. She is only three and I say she needs some good loving. I'd keep telling the three year old that you think she is beautiful and that you enjoy having her over. Tell her that you don't use those words in your home. (I sure hope you don't or who are you to complain?) Tell her that she has an amazing smile and give her hugs. Spend time with her.
Bond with her. This will start a change, trust me. You will be creating a trusting relationship with her.
I think when she is vulgar, go up to her, kneel in front of her, hold her hands and ask her kindly and with a soft and sincere voice to not speak those words. Tell her that such a beautiful little girl need not use such ugly words. Ask her if she is okay with it and then tell her thank you if she says yes. If she says no, tell her you aren't changing your postition and then give her a peck on the forehead. I'd also ask your boyfriend to support you and that he needs to be the same way.
You are a mother and can offer this child what she is lacking at home with her mother.
Love can produce a most profound change.
I'd tell him that you both need to set some ground rules and then live them.
I think you have to come to terms that you can not erase his past and that this woman is the mother of his child and that is they way it is.
Talking. Listening. Accepting. Dealing. Coping. Patience.
You can do all of these things, I know you can. You love this man and you are a mother. You are capable of so much.
Has the toddler been to any counselling? Why not initiate that?
Hope all works well.
*hugs*
What you don't understand is that it is best for the child that they do their best to work it out and do their best to be civil. Curb your jealousy and insecurities and see through a child's eyes?
I'd tell him that you are uncomfortable with them spending time with one another and that you are fine with him beihg at the door or walking to the car to pick up his daughter and that is all you can handle.
He can't change and consider you if you don't tell him what is offensive to you.
You have absolute no control over the Ex. You do have influence on your Boyfriend and his little daughter.
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