A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've asked a few questions before about various things but I feel like my life is one big issue at the moment. When I was younger before I had my children I was the kindest sweetest person I wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody else. Well I met a guy and had a baby when I was 19, his father died just before I had the baby and he turned to drink. I was a bit scared being young with a baby and having him to deal with. He cheated on me, he would hit me, he wouldn't spend money on us and went out drinking everyday. He would urinate over evrything when he came home. I got depressed and that made him worse. He tried eventually to stop being the way he was but I totally fell out of love with him, its turned me into a bitter person and now if I think someone is treating me badly I will go out of my way to hurt them back. We were together 8 years after we split he married someone else within 8 months. I'm so resentful because he takes her away, they live with his mum and they have money and I have nothing. I asked him to look after my child temporarily as I had money problems, he didn't pay the mortgage when he left and I struggled with things for a while. Well now he won't give her back cos he still thinks I'm struggling. I'm with a solicitor so hopefully that'll work out. But I've had 2 boyfriends since we split up, one kinda used me for sex and then the next one was out of control jealous. We split up and he rings me calling me an ugly fat cow, he's meeting someone else who is nice, blah blah. I get really angry sometimes and I'll text him all this horrible stuff too, when I broke up with him he was having a go at me calling me ugly so I text him when I was on a date with somebody else. We hadn't spoken for a month and I found out something hed done to his ex and I text him saying he should be ashamed. I don't know why I do these things and I don't like who I've become. It's like I've totally changed and I don't know what to do!how do you cope with hurt and pain without becoming bitter and horrible?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I'm very grateful for your advice, I think its really helpful and I'm definitely going to do just as you say. Cerberus I just want to point out that I'm not being physically abused now, that was my girls father and it was a few years ago now. Like I said I'm not texting him abuse or being that way with him, I'm being like it to my recent ex. I'm not using my anger as an excuse I'm really upset b what I'm doing and there isn't any excuse. I find this site helpful for writing down everything and I'm glad that people are listening and give me advice. Eddie I hope better things lay ahead and your right I do get my hopes up thinking a new relationship would be different. I need to be happy with my life and sort out those problems before inflicting myself on anybody else! Lol. Thanks guys x
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 From the sounds of it, you are still suffering a lot of resentment and anger over your first failed relationship. Your feelings are certainly understandable: You suffered abuse, you were cheated on, you started a family with a drunk, and you were left broke when it all ended.
I suspect on some levels, since you haven't really had a "good" relationship that you probably feel that all guys are jerks. You start each relationship in high hopes that a guy is going to be the man of your dreams only to be let down yet again. This only reignites the anger that you are feeling and you feel you need to punish the men in your life instead of moving on.
My suggestions to you:
1) Make peace with your ex's. Either shut them out of your life (i.e. lose their number) or let bygones be bygones. Sure, get visitation / custody of your daughter, but try to be cooperative about it. Your peace of mind will appreciate as well as your child. Part of this process will be forgiving yourself for putting yourself in these situations in the first place. Look at them as lessons learned rather than failures.
2) Quit dating jerks. It really is pretty simple -- spend some time with prospective suitors before really committing to them (sleeping with them). Is their character worthy of your affections? Are they losers? Are they admirable? Do they have honor? Ask yourself these questions before jumping into any relationship.
3) Realize that each time you respond or get into a fight, you are only causing drama and anger in your own life. Nothing is gained from a fight with an ex, other than a guarantee of more fights in the future.
4) Take some time out from men to find out what you want in life and what you want to get out of it. Know yourself and what you want. Get your financial and personal life in order and don't add more drama until you've made peace with yourself.
5) Finally, be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot and know that better days lie ahead.
Best wishes,
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I know I'm just hurting myself being this way. When I say that I'm texting my ex spiteful things I don't mean my daughters father I mean the guy I was seeing after that. I'm not being abusive towards her dad as I know that'll hurt my relationship with my child too. He's had her for 3 months now and because she's not in any harm and settled I can't get her back home until we go to court to decide who should get custody. I try my best not to get angry but its just no good. I go out running and walking to take my mind off things and I see my family and friends a lot more than I used to. I'm taking antidepressants aswell. I don't want a relationship with anybody at the moment it wouldn't be fair on the guy to deal with all of this. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but my ex just sends all this horrible stuff and I go right back to the start. He beat up one of his exes and another had a restraining order against him so that's what he'll probably be like to the next one. He's had a lot to deal with in his life so I guess that's true when you say that I'm using my past as an excuse he could too. The thing about men wanting to shag me and run for the hills though, men enjoy my company for a while I can put on a good act of being happy and bubbly for a long time, until they find out about these money worries etc. I miss my little one terribly, so until that's sorted I'm staying by myself and trying my best not to have these stupid arguments with my ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): First off OP, look up your local listing for domestic violence shelters, also look up support groups etc.
The best possible advice you can get is from women who have gone through this. They'll know all the tricks, they'll know all the laws back to front and they'll be more than happy to both help and support you.
OP I would tell you record his phone calls etc. to show how abusive he is but you're just as bad, you're emotionally and verbally abusive to him too and that anger excuse is a load of bullshit, forgive me but it is. I'm sure he had the same excuse when he treats you like shit.
OP by playing this game you've weakened your position legally. You're bitter and actively trying ruin his relationship with his new girl by sending all these spiteful texts. You need to keep all messages he sent you and if you can record phone calls just so he can't use how abusive you are to him against you.
OP he has no right to keep your child from you, you should go to the police and talk to them, he cannot hold her like that and keep her away from you. He doesn't have the legal right to do so and unless he can prove you're a danger to the child he'll have to hand her over.
Stop playing this stupid game, resist the urge to send those bitchy texts, OP you're only hurting yourself further by doing so because not only won't you let go but you're giving him ammunition against you which will make all claims of any kind of abusive past seem like utter bullshit.
OP stay away from guys until you get your head together, forguve me for saying this OP but a girl that does the things you do to your ex, one that's so bitter and spiteful, I'd get the shag then run a mile OP, you're too unstable emotionally. You're only going to get hurt over and over because guys would be fools to take a risk with you while you behave this way. Besides who wants a woman who is still so emotionally attached to her ex and playing these games?
Go to some domestic abuse charities and ask for some help and advice, stop sending him any kind of spiteful messages, never send him another, never respond to any kind of provocation. You're a mother OP, not some catty teenager, you have a responsibility to act like a grown up to protect your child from all this crap, not some bitter love sick teenager. Do you want her to grow up thinking that's somehow okay? Or grow up with a mother who is so angry at herself and like that she acts this way? No OP. Get some help, take responsibility for your side in this and stop beating yourself up, just make the changes you have to make.
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