| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Help. My ex broke it off with me just before Christmas. It has been the most confusing thing I have ever been through. The last time we saw each other didn’t go especially well, but we didn’t argue which I think had been part of the problem. We needed a darn good argument! I hate arguments and I don’t like upsetting people. We went quiet on each other; the worst thing. A week and a half later he came around and told me he hadn’t missed me at all and couldn’t fit me into his plans but the next thing he wants us to be friends (he said ‘I know you can’t do friends with exs but I really like you). I always got the impression he was trying to hurt me before I supposedly had the chance to do it to him but I would never have done that to him. His ex-girlfriend lied and cheated to him and he understandably seems to be on the defensive and pushes people away. His parent was diagnosed with a possibly fatal disease just before Christmas and I think this may have been a factor as well. I keep thinking, if you really like me then why are we splitting up!!!!???My family and I went over to his house over Christmas (it was arranged prior to the split) and it went OK. I left early because I needed some time to myself. Anyway, today he sent me a text saying he hopes I am OK, thanking me for coming over to his house and that it was nice to see me and that he hoped I was still up for going to the cinema. I just don’t know if his intention to be friends is genuine, whether I am just convenient for him or does he want more, or even if I want this?!?!?!? I just don't know how to reply.Well, he has now invited me to the cinema but I have no idea whether to go. I feel it is too soon to be going out as friends, but since he doesn’t take rejection well I am worried that if I say no I may never see him again. I know this is irrational given that he has rejected me!!!I don’t know whether to pursue the friends with exs thing. He says he has never managed to do this friends with exs thing although he has wanted to but I don’t know why he particularly wants me to be a part of his life given that just a few weeks ago I was under the impression he didn’t like me at all!!! I am concerned that I may hope there may be more to it than that and we could one day get back together and I am not sure how I would feel if he was with someone else and I am not sure if he would handle it well if I was with someone else.I am inclined to pass on his offer this time and say I hope you will invite me again. How does that sound?My Mum says he seems really confused right now. His ex-girlfriend, who he has been trying to get over for months, has started hassling him again recently, and he has been worried about his parent too. My heart is saying to see him - I admit because I have feelings for him but also because he is having a rough time - but my head is saying beware, it’s too soon, etc.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): Well you didn't say how long you'd been seeing each other or how old either of you are -- but I'd say, TALK TO HIM. Communication is the key. Sit him down and find out how he feels about you before you decide on the friendship thing. Which I agree, would be difficult, especially if you've already exchanged "I love you's"....Ask specific questions. Does he love you?...Did he ever love you?....Did he get bored?....Is he just going through alot of personal trauma, and he can't deal with having a g/f right now? There could be many reasons why he's pulling away. Maybe he just needs to talk about his feelings to be in touch with them.
If the romance is truly dead. I say, bag the friendship for a few months. You need time to heal. You can be always be friends later. It might be too painful to transition from lovers to friends this quickly.
Good luck.
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