A
female
age
41-50,
*s_TC
writes:I'm a 28 year old female in a relationship with a 36 year old man for a little over a year now. He has 2 children, a daughter 3 and a son 14. He also had been previously married to his daughter's mother. I have no children and have never been married. When we first started out everything was great, he would come see me all the time, he would make plans for us, we'd spend time on the phone, etc... I felt like the luckiest and most special girl in the world to have such a gentleman in my life. As time went on I found myself "bending" for him always doing things on his time, always making sure he has a hot meal or cash when he needed it, buying gifts, giving rides, running errands and always trying to make myself a part of his life and doing what I thought was proper behavior for a dedicated and serious girlfriend. I never asked much of him in return. I really enjoy(ed) my boyfriend. (I'm pretty independent and do very well for my myself financially, educationally, etc..) However, through it all, he's always kept me very separate from his family life and lately I feel as if he places me on the backburner the older our relationship gets. I always thought the older it gets, the closer we'd become to our family and friends. I've brought him around my friends and they've all loved him! He claims between work, his 2 children, and preparing for the police academy he doesn't have time to just randomly hang out with me whenever I want to do something. He says that he's not seeing anyone else nor trying to and that he wants to be with me, he just has priorities and is doing what he has to do right now. I understand that completely, however, I feel like after all I've done to show him how much I care, I'm worthy of more than just a "see ya when I see ya" kind of relationship. He says it's hard being a single father and that he's not going to just expose his children to me (or any other woman he may date) and then have to explain to them when/if things don't work out because children become attached and he has to do right by them. It's been a real problem lately because I really want to spend time with my man. He says I nag and complain to him about it and that I've been negative and picky about every little thing. I think I'm just frustrated. Right now I don't know if we're breaking up, staying together, working on it or what... we've both said some things but then our behavior proves otherwise and we act like nothing is wrong. Do I need to drop it all and move on? Or is there reason and potential to make my relationship work? Feedback please!
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male
reader, gmoney +, writes (18 June 2008):
I am also a single father and own my own business. You said he was married and is now divorced. That means he has probably had his heart broken and with children break ups can be confusing. He may really be in love with you, but these days I think its better to take things slow until you get married and its official. Sounds like he is just trying to protect his childen. Sounds like it can work if you just cool out. Kids can wear you out. Maybe you should babysit a relatives kid just to see what he goes through everyday. I never though in a million years having a child would be this much responsibility and he has more than one I cant even imagine. Just be patient and sensitive to his situation.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Sticky situation to be in, I see. Let's think about this from the standpoint of expectations. Your expectation of a boyfriend/girlfriend dating relationship is probably similar to mine. You meet a guy, you get to know him, you start dating, hang out with each other, get integrated into each other's lives, which includes getting to know his friends and family, and you do things for each other. Things progress in a linear fashion. Sometimes the relationship hits a stopping point for one reason or another, and ends then. If things are going well, and everyone's compatible, you move closer together and eventually discuss marriage or other living together options. You go from point A to point Z.
His expectations may be different than yours, and it certainly sounds that way to me. Some men, I'm not saying this is a general rule, by the way, but some men seem to compartmentalize their lives. They have family, friends, work, school, a girlfriend. And none of the above intertwine, or if they do, it's done with great reluctance. Sounds like this is your guy. In terms of a dating relationship, he goes from point A to point B, and is perfectly happy with that, he doesn't feel the need for the progression. He's happy at point B.
So I think this is where your conflict with him lies. You're expecting more than he is in a position to give you. I'm not saying that makes him a bad man, just maybe not the man for you.
I haven't done this in a while, but let me recommend this book. A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, PhD. It works through the various things that happen in courtship and identifies lots of the challenges and expectations people have with regard to how a love relationship progresses. I read it back when I was first dating my now-husband. I had some issues with becoming too clingy and needy and didn't want to repeat my same mistakes with him. It helped me see what his stopping points were. He also was a compartmentalizer and had some trouble integrating me into the whole life. But we managed to work through it, and I have to say that book helped me deal with some of the things I faced with him.
It does worry me a bit that he's not willing to introduce you to his children. That is a big stopping point to my mind. But maybe it will happen.
I think you need to take a couple of steps back from the pressure you're putting on him, and sort out some of this in your own mind. And while I understand you're frustrated, try not to be bitchy and naggy if you can help it, that won't solve anything. I'd also stop doing quite so many things for him, because that is making you resentful, I think. You do X, you expect Y back in return, and since you're not getting Y, then maybe stopping X will give you just a little bit more control over your own life.
I hope this has helped in some way, I wish there was a magic wand we could wave to get everyone on the same page in a relationship, but there just isn't...
Good luck!
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