A
female
age
41-50,
*nicornsguardian
writes:hi, I am 27 years old i married at 21 and have been with my husband since we were 15 years old. we are coming up to our 6 year ann. and i feel things have gotten out of control. we found out that my husband cant give me children and this is very hard for me because i want to be a mom naturaly not raise someone elses kid. my husband was doing what he could to fix the problem with doctors out in boston but was fired for stealing and almost sent to jail. i lost something that day thats when everything changed. i decide to get back at him if he wants to lie to me behind my back i was going to give it right back to him so i started an affair with a close friend who said he would give me a child, its been a year and still no child. i was so angry with my husband for what he did to us we had a good shot at a family and a nice life. my husband wont do anything around the house unless i yell at him to do it and he has not found a full time job since he was fired and he wont even give any effort in finding one. all we do is fight. he doesnt even care that we couldnt pay all the bills this month and had to ask for help with food. i am so depressed and angry at him. i dont know if i love him anymore. i try to leave but when i think of him not being there in my life i get sick and want to throw up. but i feel the same way with my lover. i have no one to talk to about this please help me? should i stay or should i go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): "I have stood by my men for 12 years. I was there for him through everything. i gave him everything he wanted."
How is cheating on him with a close friend "standing by your man"?
You just seem to be making a lot of excuses for your behavior and selfishness. You say you can't afford to adopt a baby because he doesn't have a job, and you don't have much money. How do you think you'll pay for caring for a baby if you do get pregnant and naturally bear a child?
If you're to the point where you hate everything he does, think he's a lazy bum and feel like you don't get anything at all out of your relationship, then get a divorce.
If you don't want advice, then don't ask for it.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (16 July 2010):
 I never said it was wrong to want children and a family. It's wrong to try to have a child with another man when you're still married, though. I've already given my opinion on what you need to do, it's up to you to get up and actually do it.
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female
reader, Unicornsguardian +, writes (15 July 2010):
Unicornsguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe medical insurance we had was one of the best out there and we were well on our way to having a family together when he lost that job we lost everything, the meds he was on had to be stopped and now if he were to try again we have an even great chance that it wont work. the meds take up to five years to work and even then you cant say that it is going to or not. we were two years into the meds and were getting close but not getting the results we needed. on top of all this when i was 12 i went to the doctors to find out why im in so much pain and they found out that my body is aging faster then it should on the inside on the outside i look fine but inside im aging at 12 in side i was a 20 year old. Im scared, i dont know how long i have before i wont be able to have kids myself. is it wrong to want to be a mom to your own child? I have stood by my men for 12 years. I was there for him through everything. i gave him everything he wanted. when is it my turn to get the only thing i want? is it a crime to want to have a family? My mom has almost die on my three times this last time she was die for a few minutes and they brought her back. i dont know how much longer she will be around and im an only child i want her to see her first grand baby before she dies. Is that wrong. i know i have been trying to get a petty party but this is the real reason i want a child so badly. And i havent told you everything i have asked my husband what he would do if i cheated on him. he said he would never leave me so when i was in a time of great depression i figured what the hell my men dont care. this is how i ended up here.
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reader, xanthic +, writes (15 July 2010):
'Not only was he fired and ALMOST thrown in jail but my parents after 29 year were on the way to the big d and thats when i found out my dad had cheated on my mom four times. in the middle of all this, my friend was there for support and things started happening. you say that everything is my fault yeah well what about my husband. he doesnt get to be blamed for any of this thats bull shit. if he didnt lose that job we would be a family right now so whos fault is it really.'
I never said everything was your fault, he's obviously at fault too. You said yourself your husband isn't able to have children, and that adoption is almost impossible, but how exactly does that relate to him losing his job?
Whatever the situation may have been, things started happening with your friend because you allowed it to happen.
'And to answer you both about the adoption how can we adopt when he wont hold down a job and i cant work full time because of my problem every month for a week im out of work no full time job will keep me so how are we supposed to adopted.'
I have a problem every month, too. It's called endometriosis, and on top of that I'm anemic. This means not only do I have an iron deficiency, but every month for two, three, and sometimes four days straight I can't move, can't function, and can't keep anything I eat down. During this time, the iron in my blood can get so low that I black out and faint. I've had this problem since I was 12 years old, and in spite of it I still forced myself to go to class and work, because no teacher or employer was willing to be understanding of how serious this condition is. They never will be. So, I had two choices: make excuses and not go to work or class at all, or push through it for the sake of my grades and overall well-being. I wouldn't have gotten past seventh grade if I hadn't forced myself through the pain, so if I can do it, there's no reason why you can't too.
If you want things to change, it's up to you to make things change. No one else can do it for you, and you've already cut off the other man, which is a good start.
Speak to your husband, not yell, about why you're upset. If he refuses to change his behaviour, leave him. It's already been 12 years of the same thing, I don't think he'll change his ways any time soon.
For the record, I'm not bad-mouthing you, I'm giving you an honest opinion based on what you've written. Your question stated your husband won't get a job, almost went to jail and can't have children with you. That's a lot to deal with. However, you also cheated on him to get revenge and have a baby with someone else, and then had an affair with the same man for a year. You're going to get a negative response to that, regardless of whether you want to hear it or not.
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reader, Unicornsguardian +, writes (15 July 2010):
Unicornsguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have been with this man for 12 years all he ever does is sit on his ass and losses jobs. he doesnt even care that we cant pay the rent if he doesnt have a computer or ipod in his hand he is watching tv. he will also ask for money for himself even after we just go done borrowing money to pay for food and gas. so excuse me for being a little self centered myself. I go through more pain every month then any normal woman does for that time and i land in the hospital because of it so excuse me for wanting to have a child natural then all the pain im in will be worth something and not just for nothing. my husband is not depressed he is a lazy jerk and is self centered. he stole stuff to make him happy not to help us to live but for his own happiness. he didnt care about me and what would happen to us when he got caught. I was going through a lot. Not only was he fired and ALMOST thrown in jail but my parents after 29 year were on the way to the big d and thats when i found out my dad had cheated on my mom four times. in the middle of all this, my friend was there for support and things started happening. you say that everything is my fault yeah well what about my husband. he doesnt get to be blamed for any of this thats bull shit. if he didnt lose that job we would be a family right now so whos fault is it really. And to answer you both about the adoption how can we adopt when he wont hold down a job and i cant work full time because of my problem every month for a week im out of work no full time job will keep me so how are we supposed to adopted. Yes i did word things a little wrong i do want to adopted but with no full time work in the house hold and no way to prove that i would make a good mother the only way to get a child is the natural way. I have stopped seeing the other man for now i dont know what i want anymore everything used to be so easy we were young and in love then life started happening and i know he loves me or at least the thought of me i cant tell anymore. How do i change? How do i go back to the way things use to be? I have been so angry with him and yes i did want to get back at him but i didnt realize what i was doing till it was to late. i cant change what happened, but i want to change what will. Should i tell him? my best friend found out and said i shouldnt say anything just put it behind me and leave it there, is that the right thing to do? should i save my husband from all that hurt and keep it to myself? i have lost myself to envy and depression. how do i stop blaming him and me and move forward? PLease if anyone has some advice that would help us please write back but if your going to bad mouth me and my problems keep them to yourself. Thank you for your time.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (14 July 2010):
'we found out that my husband cant give me children and this is very hard for me because i want to be a mom naturaly not raise someone elses kid.'
All I see in this paragraph is me, me, me. I, not someone else.
There's nothing wrong with being the mother of a child that isn't biologically yours. Adoption is a perfectly reasonable alternative if conceiving a child isn't an option, you should take it into consideration.
'i was so angry with my husband for what he did to us we had a good shot at a family and a nice life.'
What exactly did he do to you specifically? Who says you can't still have a family with him? He's obviously not still in jail.
'i decide to get back at him if he wants to lie to me behind my back i was going to give it right back to him so i started an affair with a close friend who said he would give me a child, its been a year and still no child.'
You're 27, grow up. For the most part, things have gotten out of control because of YOU. The fact that your husband went to jail for stealing is by no means okay, but what the hell made you think it was acceptable to get back at him for it? Getting revenge is what 12 year olds do, and you had absolutely no excuse or right to have an affair.
Your husband was probably devastated to hear he couldn't give you children. Instead of being supportive, you decided what you wanted was more important, and ran off to someone else because he promised to get you pregnant.
This is your mess, now you have to clean it up. Either give your husband another chance or divorce him, nothing in between.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): It sounds like your husband has several signs of depression and may need psychological help to get his life back together. I'm sure he understands that you want to be a mother naturally and that you don't want to "raise someone else's kid." Maybe that's why he's upset? Maybe he feels like he let you down. Keep in mind, his infertility is no fault of his own; he surely did not choose to be that way when he woke up one morning.
Try being supportive and positive around him instead of yelling. Maybe it will help him be more motivated to help out around the house or to find a job.
I also read that you felt like your husband betrayed you and lied to you. Do you think you haven't betrayed your husband by having an affair? Knock that off, immediately, or file for a divorce. That's unfair to him, especially if you're feeling like you've done nothing wrong and are only seeking revenge. That sounds kind of immature for someone who is 27 years old.
What exactly is wrong with adoption? There are so many children in the US and all over the world who do not HAVE families -they aren't ANYONE'S child, and are looking for someone to love them and care for them. Once you and your husband get your life back on track, you should reconsider adoption! It's a fulfilling experience, and you'd be making a difference in a child's life.
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