A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,This is going to sound like a weird thing to say... but I can't act like a girlfriend. I just don't know how!My boyfriend and I went to high school together. We were best friends and both liked each other back then, but were too shy (and scared of ruining our friendship) to do anything about it. There were two times I was going to tell him my feelings... 1. We were 17... and I was just sick of wondering 'what if...', so I text him to ask him to come out for a chat - but he proceeded to tell me that he'd just asked out my best friend and was organising their date... I of course, acted really cool about this even though I was heartbroken.2. We were 18... I’d just gotten my first job and was working a lot of hours on top of college... we were drifting apart. I missed him and needed to tell him so we met up one day for a coffee... and before I could say anything, he proceeded to tell me he'd met someone the night before and that she 'was the one'.Anyway, they became a couple, and he drifted away from our normal group of friends.Fast forward five years, and we slowly began chatting through twitter... a few months later, his relationship broke up because they wanted different things, and (he says) after a bit of soul searching, he realised how stupid he was for losing touch. He said I was the only friend he had left. So we began hanging out again. Initially it was because I knew he needed a friend, but despite my best efforts at pushing them (and him) away, all of my old feelings came back. Three months later, he asked me on a date.We've been dating for seven months now;The first three months consisted of me acting ridiculously distant - I wouldn't hold his hand or even give him a kiss... I guess I was worried he'd get back with his ex at first but then it became a habit. But to his credit, he kept going, and telling me I was worth it. I made a new years resolution to both of us to try 'let go' around him but four months into 2014 and I feel like I still treat him like crap, even though I don't want to.I mean, obviously I've made some progress - we've kissed... we've slept together... we've had some amazing days/night out with our friends and I've kissed him/held his hand in front of them... but I only ever get about 10 minutes of calm/happiness before I get anxious of the closeness/happiness I feel and I clam up. It's almost like I feel stupid by being nice. He talks about 'our' future... he mentions 'this time next year' and I won't make plans in case we're not together then. And he gets upset/hurt because of that.It's not that I don't like him enough, and I know he will never hurt me on purpose. I have no reason to be anxious, and that's why I'm confused. Why do I act like this?Three weeks ago, he said 'I love you' for the first time... when he said it, I really felt that he meant it... I’d never been happier, and it's all I’ve wanted to hear since high school. I feel the exact same way..... but I couldn't say it back - I panicked - so I replied with a sarcastic 'you're just okay'...but I tried acting very touchy-feely with him after to kinda prove what I couldn't say... he seemed happy enough with that but it still felt very forced. And every time I'm nice to him, he hopes for it the next time I see him, but it doesn't happen, I just can't do it... and I know he's disappointed again. It breaks my heart.I just want to know what's going wrong in my brain that I can't act like any other normal human being and show affection! I feel silly when I do.But I love when I can.He is my first boyfriend. Over the years, I've been on a few dates but pushed them away before anything could develop. I've never let anyone in.Is this some sort of a phobia or anxiety thing?Please help. I need answers!!
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best friend, broke up, heartbroken, his ex, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017): I appreciate hearing how readers are doing and if I was able to be of help. My experience has taught me so much, and this is one of my ways of giving back.
God bless you, dear! It encourages me to keep helping others!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say a quick thank you!
You really helped pull my head out of my ass a few years ago with your reply to this post.
I often think about this question, and what great advice you gave. You were spot on with how i felt/was acting and i was honestly so shocked that i couldn't see it at the time!
I'm still with this guy now. Its been nearly 4 years and we are better than ever!
We've been living together in a rented apartment for the past 2 years, and have just signed contracts to buy a house together!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): You gave several good reasons; stemming from your past experience of being passed-over several times.
Explained in good detail how you got close, and he slipped away.
You're gun-shy. You don't have to "act" like a girlfriend; you are being his girlfriend. You're stiff, because you think he's going to hurt you again.
You conditioned yourself to hold-back your feelings and keep them hidden from him for so long; you do it subconsciously.
Now you have to re-program your mind to allow you to be affectionate. There is also a little bit of pent-up resentment for the times he passed you by; even after you made your feelings known.
So you're darn tootin' you'll be hesitant to open-up and let go. Your subconscious-mind must accept the fact that what you've waited for is finally a reality. I doubt there is one aunt or uncle who will answer your post, who has not felt what you are, and have not been in your shoes. I know I have.
You shouldn't be anxious about it. You should just continue letting your mind make adjustments at it's own pace. It has been years you've cared for him, and you've only been his actual girlfriend for a few months.
It's forced because you may also have some mild intimacy issues; but the fear he will once again slip away has you paralyzed. You just don't want to experience that feeling again.
Don't beat yourself up; because it is well-established how you feel about him. The great thing is that the feelings are mutual, and you've come so far.
Take a deep breath and just dive in. Convince yourself this is real. You've bottled-up your feelings for so long, it's understandable that it's hard to let them out all at once.
You don't have to.
You do have to make more effort to overcome the fear. You're giving into it, and about to create self-fulfilling prophecy by making him feel rejected. That will push him away. Then you will have satisfied the prediction programmed in your head, that he's going to leave you for someone else. It's a lie your insecurity is telling you.
Stop listening to it.
This is where you sit down and explain what's happening in your head. It will give him an understanding, and it will take a lot of pressure off your mind. You're so used to hiding your feelings from him, it's now second-nature.
Somethings just don't happen over-night. Communication allows others to have an understanding of what's going on.
That will allow him to coach you through the difficulty you're having allowing yourself to be affectionate. It's just a matter of re-coding the mindset that he isn't just a friend anymore. He is your boyfriend.
Take it a step at a time. Rushing your self will only create anxiety. You have to tell him what you're going through in your head. He'll understand.
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