A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 Years old i have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and i no longer find her attractive. We both want the same things out of life. We have the same goals and aspiritions and other than this i like being around her and we get along well. The problem is i'm just not physically attracted to her. I found out shortly, after a few dates that i wasn't attracted to her but i thought being that she is such a good person and so easy to get along with it would trump the not attractive part, but its becomeing increasingly harder to deal with. Its not that she is fat or let herself go it's that she is incredibly skinny and really has no curves what so ever. I feel aweful and shallow by saying this. The thing that makes me the most un atracted to her is that she thinks she is very attractive. she is always wanting to have sex and always wanting to role play and wear these really skimpy sexy outfits in bed and even out an about but she just doesn't fill them out at all. Even if she did thats just not my thing. But she is always wanting to go to lovers lane and pick out sexy things to wear in bed, and it makes me feel very uncompfortable She really shouldn't be dressing the way she does. especially at the age of 30. I just have trouble being intimate more and more. what should i do. I love her and i'm wondering if there is something wrong with me for thinking this or if i should end it or try to find a way to deal with it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I'm going to offer something a little different here. It's really difficult to just leave someone you love and get along with well in every way just because you aren't attracted to them sexually. It's too easy to advise someone to get out of a relationship for this problem, but it's certainly NOT easy to do it yourself. It's just that she's skinny is the problem, right? Well, that can be fixed, but it WILL take time. So you'll have to be patient. I was just like her 5+ years ago, super skinny, no curves, etc. It didn't make sense, either, because I used to eat fast food almost daily, and other junk foods as well. For the way I ate, I should have weighed 200 pounds. Instead, I weighed 105, which was NOT a good weight for me, considering I was 5'8". Anyway, all my binging on junk food not only wasn't helping me gain weight, but was making me feel quite drained, and wasn't doing my complexion any favors. I was breaking out quite often, and I had dark circles under my eyes. My boyfriend at the time wasn't very attracted to me, either, and was always checking out other women. I never said anything, because I knew why. I didn't look "womanly" at all. Then I decided to change my diet completely. I limited my fast food intake to once a week, and I started taking a multivitamin around the same time everyday. I also started drinking a lot more water, and much less pop and other sugary drinks. I also started eating eggs at breakfast time rather than cereal or pastries. I noticed my complexion was starting to clear up after just a few weeks, and I put on about 10 pounds over the course of 2-3 months. I went to a store that specifically sold vitamins and nothing else. I switched from my grocery store brand multivitamin to something better. Very gradually, I started to "fill out" in the right places. My skin was completely cleared up, and I actually had color. The dark circles were non existent, and I also noticed some side benefits such as my hair was not only growing a lot faster, but it was also getting thicker. My point of telling you this is maybe you could talk to your girlfriend about your problem, and suggest she find some healthy ways to gain weight. It sounds to me like she just has a high metabolism like I do. Obviously don't try to force anything on her. If she likes the way she is, that's fine, but you DO have the right to suggest some changes if you really want to stay with her. It's then up to her to decide if she wants to do it or not. If she doesn't, then SHE can move on to someone who prefers skinny women over curvy ones.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2013):
 IF you found her attractive her dressing up would excite you not repulse you. I'm 53 and my hubby loves when I wear cute outfits to bed...
you just (like MOST men I know) want a woman who looks like a woman with a bit of meat on her bones there is nothing wrong with that.
so bite the bullet and unless she works very very hard to maintain that weight (and to be honest it may be natural and there is nothing she can do about it) there's no point in telling her why you are leaving just end it as you are not compatible. Wanting to be intimate with your partner is the reason we make them partners.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Attraction is a an interesting issue. You can be attracted to someone who is even not your type. You might find someone who is your type not particularly attractive. For example my husband likes petite, fragile looking women with small breasts attractive. I'm none of that, I have a very curvy body, large cup d boobs, I am a very healthy size 6-8. No one can ever call me thin. My friend though is exactly his type. Even after 2 kids, she is size 0, she has no boobs, no hips, very thin legs. It's funny how she became like this after she had her second. She hardly ate anything for few months, and now can't get any weight back. But my husband doesn't find her attractive at all, he always makes comments on how she looks like a 12 years old. Considering that majority of regular women are overweight these days, her being like this even more makes her think that she is exceptionally beatifull. It doesn't change the fact that you don't find her attractive. I personally don't know how you can even get aroused. You sound like its not only you don't find her attractive, she is somewhat repulsive to you. And really, it's not fair to her. Everyone deserves to be with someone who likes them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): is not fair for your girl try and try to be nice for you when you dont like it, dont deserve...just leave her...let her be happy with someone who value her...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Thank you everyone for your comments. They were very helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to help
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Dude you need to finish this relationship. You are turned off sexually by almost everything about this woman - even down to the fact she wants sex regularly and wants to experiment in the bedroom. That is what the first few months of a relationship should be like! You can't blame her for wanting you when you've just started going out, that's normal. Being disgusted by a woman because she 'thinks she's attractive' and 'always wants sex' is not normal. Not in a relationship with the right person. You are obviously not feeling it so finish it now before she gets any more involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): You need to finish with this woman ASAP. You are not being fair on either of you if you don't. You are also being incredibly harsh in suggesting she shouldn't feel sexy and confident with herself just because you don't find her attractive. Do you realise how awful that sounds?! Just because she is not your cup of tea does not mean she shouldn't want to dress sexily or role play in bed. And being 30 has nothing to do with it either. While you are feeling like this and doing nothing you are stringing her along. You need to end it and allow her to find someone who actually finds her attractive and appreciates the effort she is making in the bedroom. Getting on well is not enough I'm afraid, the sexual attraction has to be there too.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 It's not really going anywhere is it. If you don't find her attractive after 3 months then I'm thinking you'll be looking elsewhere after 6!
It isn't shallow it's just what you like, we all have our types.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I don't really understand why you would want to be with someone you don't actually like at all. Her looks and her sexuality and self expression are all a part of her and the person she is. I think you should leave before you carry on living a lie any longer. She probably senses your dissatisfaction and is trying harder and harder to be attractive to you - at the end of the day it is her your just not attracted to and you know it already. Relationships shouldn't be a business transaction of meeting criteria, you dislike the core of who she is - don't waste any more of her time or yours and start being honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): i think the word you should be using is 'friends' or 'best friends' it seems that you get along so well as your personalities click. if you are not physically attracted to someone then i dont see how you can uphold a sexual life. i know this is not the most important but to be satisified is, your 'needs' are just as important as hers. prolonging the situation is not going to make it any easier for either of you. it will make you feel down and maybe make her fall for you harder... you need to sit down with yourself and really think about wether or not you want to be with her or not. follow your gut instintcs and your heart. if your heart isnt in it then your better off as friends.. i hope this has helped. just remember all situations have bad points, but they always pull through. things can only get better.. xx
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