A
male
age
36-40,
*nonomus
writes:Please help me! I am very confused about my relationship. I am a 23 and my girlfriend is 24 and we have been dating for about a year and 2 months. The problem I have is that I don't feel like I am in love with her. I definitely have love for her and care for her very much but I can't ignore the absense of the butterflies I think should be there. When I look at her I see everything that I could ever want in someone, she is loyal, trustworthy, caring, goodlooking, etc. I just don’t feel the magic. We have never spent more than a day or two apart from each other sense we started dating and have recently moved in with each other for multiple reason and complications. I feel that I would be sad if we broke up and would definitely miss her, however I don't know if that is just more of an issue of being lonely. I know she loves me very much and wants to spend the rest of our lives together but I wonder how she can be so sure if I’m not. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2009):
 I think you should recognize that butterflies are a fleeting feeling, and while they are lovely, you're not going to feel them all the time for the rest of your life in a relationship. A few extremely lucky couples might report this happening, but for the most of us, they do eventually settle down into a more mellow feeling.
I think you may be in this relationship out of habit and not out of a true commitment to her. Perhaps you should consider being very honest with her about this, so that she doesn't get blindsided if you reach the point of wanting to end things with her, and she has no idea why.
Sometimes, you just need a change of scenery doing things that make your heart pound. Whitewater rafting, or a bicycle tour or skiing or a good old fashioned romantic getaway. Perhaps you're spending too much time together and need a break, some time to miss one another and appreciate what you have.
Try the getaway and/or the time apart before you make any big decisions.
I think for many people, stereotypically men but women can experience this too, the closer they get to marriage or a firm commitment like cohabitation, the more claustrophobic and trapped they feel. It's fear, it's not wanting to close off options, it could be any number of feelings that block people from truly committing their heart to another. So in reading your question again, and noting that you've not been apart for more than a day or two, I do think you need to have some space. I am not suggesting that you go on an official 'break' just yet, just give yourself time to miss her.
Basically, I'm encouraging you to find a way to identify the source of dissatisfaction with your relationship. It could be boredom, it could be hidden fear, it could be a sense that you're missing out on other potential 'better' matches for you.
Above all, I want to you be gentle, and try to communicate your unease to her, so she has a chance to address any issues on her own side. Maybe she's too clingy, and this is the wakeup call she needs to become more independent and balanced in the relationship.
Maybe the fact is that you're not really meant for each other, you're incompatible somehow and your unease is your subconscious trying to get you out of it!
Again, be honest with her and with yourself. You wouldn't be the first guy to find he's made a mistake in moving in together too early. Maybe it would be better if you could find another place to live while you work out your feelings?
Good luck.
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