A
female
age
26-29,
*aLaLa107
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 6 months. But he's been lying to me. Leaving him is out of the question; he's a great guy and I love him with all my heart. He doesn't want me to smoke weed, and he said he'd quit for me if I promised to stay away from it. He says that he's trying to get a job; that he'll apply to a college nearby so we can be together. But he hasn't been trying. He and his roommate just sit around all day watching tv and getting stoned. I'm not angry that he's been smoking, I'm angry that he lied to me. It makes me wonder what else he's been lying about... He doesn't know that I know what he's been up to. And guess how I found out. Twitter!!! Ouch, he honestly thinks I'm dumb enough not to find out? Anyway... Should I pretend that I don't know, and let him live his life? Should I call him up, yell, and threaten to leave? Or should I just tell him that he hurt me and that I can't trust him anymore, and then let it go? Thanks for all your help!
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engaged, fiance, long distance, roommate, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): You DO NOT have a fiance. A fiance is someone who has met your family and you have met his. A fiance is someone who has bent down on one knee and proposed. A fiance is someone you have a set wedding date with and who gives you a ring to announce to the world you are getting married. A fiance will stand by your side and move heaven and earth to be with you.
What you have is an online chatting partner you never see..who can pretend he's anyone you want him to be. You don't even have a boyfriend if he can't get up off the couch and see you.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
 So you're been engaged for 6 months now, and you two still haven't set a wedding date? It's more like a vague in 4 years if your relationship lasts that long.
The reason why I say that is when I was your age I was also engaged..but my and my fiance at the time had so many issues, that we never set a date. At first, i was vague like you and said in 2 years. When 2 years would pass, I would push it off another year. He had trust issues with me, and after a while I started to question who he really was. I eventually ended up breaking it off, because he turned out to be someone who I didn't want to marry. That's why I see a red flag that you two haven't set a date.
You may think you two can iron out the problems in 4 years, he'll grow up and get a job, stop lying to you, but I really wouldn't count on it.
I'm curious as to why you two are in a LDR? How come you two haven't moved in together after your engagement?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
 "but I love who he is. "
ok who is he? if you say you don't love what he does but you love who he is... tell me what you love about who he is...
he's a pot smoking, non-working, liar that you don't trust...
and if you are not getting married for at least 4 years I am not sure I'd consider myself engaged... seriously dating maybe... I know that one day my bf will accept my proposal and marry me but right now, I don't say we are getting married... 4 years is a long time
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 June 2011):
 So you two have never met? And yet you are talking marriage. And marriage 4 years from now. Is he in prison or something?
You're putting a great deal of faith and energy in a guy who you may not actually be compatible with in real life. You're more like cyber-penpals. Close and loving penpals, but still it concerns me that you've put so much trust in a guy you've never met in real life, a guy who apparently sits around stoned a great deal of the time. A man who doesn't have much of a plan for his future, let alone much of a plan to meet you. Next summer? Really?
I'd say, go on a little break from him and assess why you are willing to put 5 years of your life to a state of suspended animation. You don't have a real-life boyfriend, I'm afraid, this is a fantasy of the future. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (7 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI may not love what he does, but I love who he is. I know that you can't build a marriage without communication and trust, but I think we have time to work on that. We're not getting married for years. At least 4.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Love isn't the only that goes into a marriage..Trust and communication are big factors as well. If there's no trust no in your relationship, how do you think your marriage is going to be? It will not be all peaches and cream.
When's the wedding date? Let's fast forward, you'll be 23 (if it lasts that long), hopefully done with college and have a decent paying job, if not be prepared to be on welfare, supporting your husband who still continues to sit on his ass and smoke pot like he's a teenager. Your future with this guy doesn't look very bright. If you're smart you'll ditch him because he's far from husband material.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
I am not telling you to leave him. I can't make that choice for you. I would just like you to list all the pros vs all the cons of the man and the relationship and determine if it's worth staying
think of this:
a year from now.... he's still smoking and getting high and not contributing to the relationship. how will you feel?
you can't love a man's potential. you can't love what you WANT him to be.... you have to love him and accept him WHERE he is.... can you live with this man forever THE WAY HE IS?
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (7 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHm... So you're both saying I should just leave him?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2011):
"Idk if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but I love him and that's what matters."
ummm NO I"m sorry. I Just ended a marriage to a man I could not TRUST. LOVE without TRUST will not work.
TRUST is one of those damn critical things.
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (6 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe probably won't be able to see each other until next summer. And he really is an incredible person. He's helped me through a lot. Idk if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but I love him and that's what matters.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2011):
 If, after you tell him what you just told us, you are just going to let it go? Why don't you just let it go in the first place? I mean if you don't want leave the loser then what difference does smoking pot make? You aren't going to change him or anything else anyway, he already told you he'd quit but didn't. What's it going to take for you to wake up and smell the java?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2011):
If you marry a man who lies to you, will you ever trust him?
you are LDR how often do you see each other?
do you wonder what else he is lying to you about
why can't you leave him? what is so magical about a man that has no ambition, no job, no drive, who lays around getting high all day?
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (6 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.:) That's what I wanted to do, but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Don't ever say you can't, because you know you can you just don't want to.
You already answered your question then. Tell him you're upset that he lied to you and that you don't trust him...but don't be surprised when it happens again.
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (6 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you.:) But I really can't leave.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Happens, my advice stays the same regardless..just minus the first bit.
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A
female
reader, LaLaLa107 +, writes (6 June 2011):
LaLaLa107 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOoops... Well that's embarassing. I'm 21, lol. Sorry about that.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Engaged at 13-15? No offense but not only are you too young to be engaged you're also too young to be in a LDR.
So you both smoke weed? Illegal, much. If he smokes weed all day then he's going to fail a drug test at a job interview. Just a little FYI.
Here's the thing, you can't make your fiance get off his pot smoking ass and do something with his life. It's his life he's perfectly content with being a lazy bum; he doesn't want to change and you can't make him. All the yelling, nagging, and empty threats aren't going to make any difference. You'd have to actually break off the engagement and dump him to get a reaction out of him. Even then it's not guaranteed.
Let me ask you this, do you really want to get married to such a loser? You don't trust him, can't start a marriage based off of lies and zero trust. You'll be on the fast track to a divorce if you do get married with all these issues you're having now.
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