A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I need some serious advice here. First off, thank you to anyone that reads and responds to my question. All the agony aunts over the years have been very helpful! So here goes, I've been in a relationship just over a year with the absolute best man I've ever known. Within just a few weeks we knew that we would be together for the rest of our lives. And then got engaged just recently. I don't know why, but I'm starting to understand that whenever we argue I push him away. Typically, the arguments aren't over anything too serious, just irrational thoughts on my part. I love him with all my heart, and sometimes I over show it (become slightly clingy...okay more than slightly), and sometimes I distance myself. From our fighting I sometimes call out when he's being an ass and tell him how how I'm constantly hurt and upset in the relationship. Which is true only because of my own issues and nothing really between us. He told me once how horrible that makes him feel, and that he never means to hurt me, and even though I know this I still get really emotional and upset. I really do love him with all my heart, and I do want to be with him forever so why on earth do I keep pushing him away?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 'I know it's genetic cause everyone on my fathers side is that way. Unfortunately my father and that whole side of the family are completely out of the picture, and can never/will never see or talk to them.'
it is interesting that you have said this. i don't know the circumstances of this rift and i don't need to know but do you think there may be issues arising from this that you need help with?
do you ever feel like your boyfriend 'abandons' you or doesn't give you as much attention as you you need? have you spoke to him about your worries and i mean TALK, not argue. the thing is with very argumentative relationships there may be hurtful things said in the heat of the moment that will not really be forgotten and forgiven afterwards and little by little every time the relationships is a little more damaged until in the end the whole thing just becomes too much of a hassle - believe me i've been there! me and my ex used to be like this (both at fault) and we used to actually bring things up and end up arguing about arguments!
try to get help with this before the fights and sulking and walking away from each other become the norm
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): **OP**
I know it's genetic cause everyone on my fathers side is that way. Unfortunately my father and that whole side of the family are completely out of the picture, and can never/will never see or talk to them.
I also kinda have behavior as KeighleySky, seeing how easily he would leave. Which didn't go so well, cause he's confident a break up is just an overly large argument and we'll still be together. I've told him my issue with him walking away, but we haven't had a 'break up' situation in some time now.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 May 2011):
why do you say its in your genetics? do you have a parent who is the same way? and if so did you find there were arguments/problems between you and the parent or the parent and their spouse while you were growing up?
yes some traits can be genetic or some can be just learned from your parent and if this is a learned thing then hopefully with the right help you can 'unlearn' it
i agree with keighleysky, CBT is an excellent idea, well worth a try and then see if your relationship problems persist
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): **OP**I did leave out that I'm very overly sensitive, it's apparently in my genetics. I just dont know how to handle it sometimes. The smallest things can set me off, and I'll be upset about it for hours. :(
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 May 2011):
maybe issues from your child hood, issues around attachment, borderline personality disorder (google it) can cause a person to behave 'hot and cold' like this. OR it could be that things he is doing are really upsetting you, even if you down play them and blame your own mind for the events/how you feel about the events. maybe you are oversensitive and easily hurt/offended or maybe he really is being a dick but you're not telling us. are you certain he is the right one for you? a lot of people will just 'settle' for whoever they have ended up with.
you really need to look honestly and carefully at him, yourself and this relationship as a whole and then hopefully you will find the answer to your question. sorry i cannot be more help but you know your relationship better than any of us strangers do, i hope i have at least given you some thoughts to start with?
x
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A
female
reader, KeighleySky +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Have you been hurt in your past? When my boyfriend and i first got together i could be really mean, and I dont mean in a silly way. I was really horrible to him, it took em a while but i finally realsied that i was testing him, seeing if he'd leave me easily. As soon as I realised this my meanness towards him stopped. I've been hurt a lot in the past, my mum ran out on me a couple of times and some friends have betrayed me and hurt me. And for your irrational thoughts maybe you should try some CBT treatment. You can just look it up and try it yourself, it means cognitive behavioural therapy and helps the person with irrational thoughts to think positive. For example:Your fiance is talking to a woman. You may think 'Oh my lord, he's flirting with her. He's going to leave me for the sleaze.' CBT helps you to think differently. So your thoughts would now be 'She's a colleague. They need to talk to one another, or they won't get their work done.' Or something to that affect.Hope i helped honey :) I know how you're feeling x
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