A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost one and a half years and we have been through a lot together. But there is a lot of stuff that bothers me and I feel like there may be something better for me out there. Let me tell you everything one by one.About a month after we started going out, he got a call from some random girl and he tried hiding it from me but I overheard him talking once and found out. He let me talk to the girl who preteneded to be really nice to me and told me that he had told her he didn't have a gf, he denied it as I was talking to her. I refused to believe her and told her as much. But after I was done talking to her, I found out he really had told her he was single. I still resent him for that. A month later, he got a call n told me it was her and he told her to stop calling. I trusted him blindly n hence believed him. A couple of weeks later she called him n i told him to put it on speakerfone and found out he had not told her to stop calling him, he had simply asked her to call later as i was around. I haven't forgiven him for that either. In that time-period, I was in the hospital for a week and he visited me every single day. But the day I came home, he wanted to go for a party. When I asked him not to go, he got very upset and later I found out she had invited him to this party. I still shudder to think about what might have happened. He says, "But nothing happened!!"For our one-year anniversary, he was in another city and came back from there just as his friends were reaching there for a holiday. When his friends asked him why he came back early, he said he had to get some work done. I can't get over the fact that he's ashamed to say he does nice things for me.A couple months ago, I found him flirting with another girl. He also has a terrible temper and can get violent when extremely angry and provoked.We are both in university and whenever we sit together to study, he always ends up leaving me alone to go somewhere with his friends to smoke or smoke-up or something. Even we sit together, he has to hve his friends sit with us or he's just with them. When he says let's go for a walk, one of his friends is usually coming along and when his friend sees me, he says, oh what are you doing here..aren't u gonna study?I find all this so annoying and I have really started to feel like there may be someone better for me out there. But i'm scared of ending this because i do feel like he loves me a lot and i love him too and i am just so damn attached to him..But I feel like I need something more. I feel like I need someone who'll want to spend quality time with me.I'm from India and at 25, my parents keep asking me when I'm gonna get married and things like that. I avoid their questions and tell them I'll do it inmy own good time but I really don't wanna waste time on a relationship that's going nowhere. He also says he's not sure if he can marry me, coz if his parents say no, he won't. And he thinks they probably will say no coz I'm about 3 yrs older than him.Should I just suck it up? Or should I talk to him about it? I have tried talking about it, but he always ends up getting angry and it goes nowhere! How should I talk about it if i should? Or should I end this as soon as I can and quit whining?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Hi there,
I can see here that your bf view of the relationship is different from yours. You both want different things. To be frank i really don't see him as the type that is ready to settle down right now.You have mentioned in your posting how he couldnt even admit he was in a relationship. He doesn't seem matured enough for that right now most especially if he still believes his parents can dictate or rather be responsible for who he should spend the rest of his life with.
I know you feel it is your parents wish for you to get married but i do believe deep down u also want this which isn't at all bad. Everyone has a right to want different things for themselves. We set our priorities and go with them.
Talking to him about the marriage issue I believe wont help the issue. You don't want him to feel he is being pressured cos he might use that against you in the future, most especially if things don't work out. He should be willing and all the excitement is what makes the occasion a happy and blissful one.
It should be entirely up to you if u wish to remain in this relationship or not. But if your idea is to settle down soon i dont believe u are with the guy who wants this now.If want end things then u should tell him why u decided this.
Goodluck.
Love kelly
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): you should just get rid of him, he obviously cant be trusted if he is lying to you about some girl. you deserve so much better and there are good guys out there who will treat you like your a princess eceryday and he doesnt need to buy you things cause its the little things that count like going for walks but just the two of you and if he really loved you he wouldnt be ashamed to tell his friends about what he is doing for you and he would want to spend as much time with you as possible, this guy just sounds like he wants to be with as many lass's as possible while he is in uni and frankly i wouldnt want him to come near me cause he could have caught anything from anyone (not saying you) but if he has cheated on you and you dont know then he could pass somethin onto you too. ditch him love your worth so much more. hope this helps you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): He is not worth your time. If you can imagine being with him your whole life and coping with this sort betrayal, well that is up to you, but you should have higher expectations. Having been through similar, let me tell you what will happen. You will finally get sick (after much too long, you shoud have done something sooner)of his behaviour. You will feel stupid in front of everyone who sees how he treats you and it will be just too embarrassing to go on. Humiliation will get you.
But, it would be far better if you can get out now because you do care about yourself - it will increase the self-value that you have and I have to say it looks like your stocks of this are low. Don't get stuck in that rut of trying to change him, it never works. You won't get him to see the light even if he pretends to.
Then find yourself someone who is right at the start, not a person that you think will change or improve over time if only they would not do this...or that.
Some time in future if your ex is around he will say things like, "If only I hadn't let you get away, you were the one and I was stupid!. When that happens, smile, remember what I told you. Also notice how happy he is - he won't be. If he has a wife and kids he will just moan about them. People like him are never satisfied with what they have. Once they get what they want there is no challenge any more. He only enjoys himself when he thinks that he has women fighting over him. He does not have the ability to develop a truly deep and meaningful relationship.
You may have, if you get out before you are too damaged and re-focus yourself on reality and worthy people instead of no-hopers. Time flies at your age and you need to not waste the next few years on having and getting over inferior relationships, or you will end up panicking about settling down and running out of time. Be wise, cut this stuff out of your life and find yourself a real, kind, funny, intelligent, loyal man.
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