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female
age
36-40,
*scar
writes: Do you think it's true that it's not ONLY the person who cheats who is at fault when it happens? I guess I was just wondering about your opinions because I would consider myself a very good person who was caught in a "grey" situation and under a lot of pressure when I cheated on my bf nearly a year ago. I'm not trying to blame my BF. I was very very wrong! I regret everything about my actions, but I do think that certain aspects of our situation meant he didn't make it easy for me to not cheat. I feel bad about this situation in my past and wonder if I will ever do it again.... I just think that I learned my lesson and will never do it again. Again, just thoughts and wonderings! let me know what you think! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):
The cheater is at fault for cheating. Period. No gray areas.
Like the other responder already said, cheating is not an appropriate way to deal with your feelings. Doesn't matter how justified you may think those feelings are at the time.
The cheater may not contain 100% of the fault for the relationship's trouble that brought on the cheating, but that's a different issue entirely. Trouble in the relationship justifies either splitting up or working on it. Trouble in the relationship does not ever justify cheating.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (31 October 2007):
I dont think its fair to place blame on anyone here.
If their were issues in your relationship with your ex bf that lead to you feeling a need to cheat, sure you could say he is responsible for the ISSUES in your relationship. But I dont think you can say he is responsible for how you dealt with it- by cheating.
You obviously still have alot of guilt from what you did and thats understandable, I think alot of people would. But as long as you can realise what you did was wrong and understand why you did it, and have a plan for if you come into a similar situation again, what you will do...then let go.
Cant keep on punishing yourself. Look back at the issues you had in your relationship which gave you the feeling/need/desire to cheat. And think of what you could of done in that situation which would of been a better way to deal with it. For example if say your bf wasnt giving you much attention, so you looked else where for it. Rather then finding someone else to give you the attention you need (by cheating), next time, be honest with your bf, tell him how you feel and what you feel you need and see if you both can come up with a plan to do that. Its all about communication really.
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A
female
reader, oscar +, writes (31 October 2007):
oscar is verified as being by the original poster of the question i appreciate the responses... but i am a bit um defensive should i say?
To provide enough detail: the reason I cheated on my BF is because he decided to tell me he loved me while I was in another relationship... telling me to leave the other guy for him. So I'm just saying he wasn't perfect in the situation either and what he was asking me to do was hard for me... so when I waffled and went back to the other man... it was very very wrong (don't misunderstand me! I regret my actions and have not repeated them since!) but I am simply saying that the high pressure situation may have contributed to my cheating.
And just for personal validation and a shot in the dark... was wondering if someone out there could identify and maybe ease the guilt of the entire situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Sorry you find its not easy by not cheating. You have more or less stated that thers a possibility.Instead of wondering if youll ever do it again,why not move on and let him find someone more suited?
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A
male
reader, legacy  +, writes (31 October 2007):
O.K. previous poster, I feel your pain but the writer did not cheat on you and making her feel worse and guilty is not why she wrote here. She obviously feels remorse and is concerned about what happened. Look yes it can take two to tango but if you keep dancing you will probably wind up in this same situation. Examine what led to your affair. Was it just the right/wrong situation and the person or is there something missing in your relationship? Is it you? Is it your partner? Guilt is not going to yield answers, move on and ask yourself the hard questions and good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): He didnt make it easy for you not to cheat? I think you cheated because you wanted to. End of story. The person who cheats is not the victim. I was recently on the other side of this,its not pleasant being lied to,knowing damn well that you know.Like you,she tried to reverse the blame. Accept responsibility.If you need to cheat,you are with the wrong person.
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