A
female
age
36-40,
*aincloud9
writes:here goes:My boyfreind of 5 years has been dealing with some depression and anxiety. he has been going to doctors for this and we have been on and off the whole time. He has lied about his where abouts and who he has been with. And he even joined a sex website to meet women in the city to have casual sex. I decided to see if he was really doing this so I emailed him with a different name stating that I was off the website. I propositioned him and he was very open to the idea. He even asked if I wanted to go out of the city for a weekend and get a hotel. That was when I confronted him. I feel sick and cant even look at him, although I still feel that I love him. He tells me that he is dreadfully sorry and wants to make it up to me and prove his love... Do I stick around or leave? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): He sounds like a sex addict with serious issues, i wouldn't forgive him if he agreed to the sex without much prethought! He's obvs done this countless times before
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): well you have decided to go on with the relationship and I commend you for deciding to stick it out ( I may not agree but thats ok,your choice). Since you have decided to do that alot of trust will have to be re-built. May I give you some pointers to help?Open-everything must be open phones, pc, texts what ever you and he must have access to it all. you must have that there because you will want to check... (remember Ive been there).. this will help in two ways 1- you will see where he has been going and what hes been doing this will somwhat ease your mind. but if he wants it to work he will let you feel this for a while. 2-after a while if he is really serious about being on the straight and narrow he will let you and will understand. eventually you will or will not see how things are going. if he is behaving some of the trust lost will start to build back. if not you know otherwise. i do commend you for trying to make things work and do understand that its not all black and white.stress does play a big part but not in cheating... that is something else... i get stressed i scream.. not check out other dudes.you may put your all in this and it blow up in your face thats a fact. but you feel you need to do it and its fine.to be honest I believe if you don't try, you will regret it. as for your friends they are like buttholes... leave them out of it.if you would like to talk more email me... i would love to talk with you privatly.
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female
reader, Raincloud9 +, writes (11 May 2009):
Raincloud9 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe have been dating for 5 years. living together for 4.I just graduated from University this past week.We had been arguing quite a bit and he was really stressed and so was IIt was a hard past couple of months trying to finish school.I love him and he tells me that he loves me too.although he is still acting a little off.I love him and I dont want to fight anymore.I want to make this work.I know what he did is unforgivable and we have little trust right now..but he never actually follwed through with any of the affairs...I love this man.Im just afraid that Im going to give it my all again and he isjust going to break my heart a second time.We do argue quite a bit and are both hard headed.My freinds tell me that we fight more than most...i dont know....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): (Big Hug) And Happy Birhday! You have gotten some honest caring answers here.
I know how much you are hurting and how difficult it is to face the reality of it all!
But just know and believe with all your heart that you deserve better!
This could possibly be worked out...but your relattionship has changed forever! It will never be what it once was.
The bottom line is that it is your decision. I know it is a difficult one! I wish you the strength to do what's right for you!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Dear Broken Dreams,I hear all of what your saying, but do you? Write down this5 years put into a relationshipHow much more time do I give him to commit to a relationship with just me?Do you see the two common variables? Time + you ?You have given him 5 years, he has given you a possable std.You have your answer and it is simply this,You can give him your life as precious as it is but he will never give you his!He does not want the relationship any further, he is looking for someone else to be with. He does not want to deal with you so he tells you what you want to hear so you will leave him alone so he can go on about his buisness of finding someone else. He wants out but not until he has someone else to fill his bed... I am sorry to put things like this but its true.How do I know this? I've done it myself and have had it done to me. The best chance you have of salvaging the relationship is to walk away (sometimes they can fix mine did, but only after I walked away and let the troll come to his sences.)Is it going to hurt? Hell yeah! Remeber, we shouldn't always have what we want.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 Depression? That makes you sit at home, want to sleep and be inactive. Does that sound like what he is having?
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female
reader, Raincloud9 +, writes (10 May 2009):
Raincloud9 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe tells me that he loves me and that he is an idiot. We were supposed to go to a wedding together this weekend but I wouldnt go with him.
Its my birthday tomorrow and he wants to be there. He says he wants to make it work and that he wants to prove himself to me. How much time do i give him to prove to me that he loves me? and that he wants to be with me and only me?
how much time? I know these are questions without answers but I am so drained and I just need someone to tell me what I need to do. I feel so alone.
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reader, Raincloud9 +, writes (10 May 2009):
Raincloud9 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsigh... Perhaps I am just making up excuses for him.. and rationalizing his actions. I need to leave.. I know that. But I dont WANT to.
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reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (9 May 2009):
 Well being that you know your BF cant be trusted.
Regardless of whether he suffers from depression or anxiety, do you think that you are making excuses for him?
Having issues does not mean he cant control who he has sex with.
You need to get yourself tested for STD's ASAP! And I am sure that you are very unnerved about this, but just think...
What if the shoe were on the other foot?
Please do yourself a favor and ditch this bum before you end up with an STD. If he is doing this now(under medication), how can you possibly think the situation will improve?
people who stay around after being cheated on many times get pigeonholed into thinking that it is their fault that the other person cheated.
This I am afraid is a lost cause
Don't fall into this. Go out and find someone who will love you and respect you. You can rest assured that if you went to these lengths to catch him, that he will lie and just be more sneaky about it in the future.
Cheaters are flawed people, and basically are incapable of changing. They are like vampires. Many people disagree with me on this point,and many people think that cheaters can change. You show me a cheater who has changed and I'll show you a corpse.
Do you want to wait around and find out, when you could be improving your life?
Cheaters will suck the life force out of you if you let them
Don't let him do this!
He will tell you he is sorry and he will make it better, until the next time it happens, and believe me sweety, it will.
It may be better for a while, but the next time an opportunity arises, he will do it again.
Go with your gut...if it feels wrong to stay...you know it is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): Something very similar happened to me... my bf was posting himself on adult dating sites and sending/receiving dirty texts to these people... confronted him, said he was sorry, didn't know why he'd done it, etc etc. Tried to work things through but within a few weeks I found out he was actually having an affair with a girl from work, so please be careful...there may be more going on than you think. We split up, and although I love him, miss him and can almost forgive him, I feel so much better now that I'm not living with someone I don't trust, and am no longer wasting my energy worrying about what's going on behind my back. Be strong and do what is best for you. x
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