A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am worried about my relationship and have been for a few months now. My relationship with my boyfriend has not been typical. We met working at a summer camp together, and started dating in mid-July. We were both planning on simply a summer fling, as I was going abroad for a year a month after our relationship started. After a lot of deliberation, we decided to stay together while I was gone. I left in September. Things went absolutely great until December when I came home for a couple weeks for winter holidays. In November I went on birth control because I was envisioning a continuing sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and at the beginning of December I decided that I had been so happy I would go off my anti-anxiety medication.When I came home, things went fine for the first week, but the second week, we stayed with two of my boyfriend's old friends, and I was extremely stressed out about spending time with them and fitting in with their existing dynamic. It was not a good week. I remember crying for hours, feeling very alienated and unhappy, as well as feeling like I was betraying my boyfriend because his friends kept on telling me how much happier he was with me, and at the time I did not feel much happier at all.So I went back abroad in January and became fairly depressed, and I know I treated him pretty badly, but he was consistently there for me. I began to get better, but it was never the same after that. Both of us are always defensive and jump to the conclusion that the other is mad at us before actually listening to what the other person has to say.To make matters worse, I began falling behind him in my sexual desire. While he insisted that he was just as attracted to me as the day we met, I just didn't feel so attracted to him anymore. The summer was full of ups and downs. Again I felt alienated by his friends and we both struggled to keep our outside relationships up. I found myself becoming more demanding of his time, but enjoying it less.Now I am a senior at a top liberal arts college and school and learning has always been fairly easy for me. My boyfriend on the other hand has an LD that he never got diagnosed as a kid. He's been in community college for the past 2 and a half years, not going towards any real degree, but this year he began attending a great public university and is on his way to a history degree. But he's really unhappy. He says he can't stand it there, and always comes to visit me. He has trouble socially and with anxiety situations in general. I encouraged him to see a therapist because his constant reliance on me for his emotional stability was getting exhausting. He is going to see a psychiatrist soon. But his constant complaining and negative attitude has been taking its toll on me, and I find myself not wanting to spend time with him, and being increasingly irritated with him when I do. Again, our sex life is not great. I do not get as turned on as him, and when I reject him he is resentful, but becomes very angry when I comply but am not into it. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I have fallen out of love with him, or if we are just not compatible. He insists that I am his true love and that he will love me forever and can't see us ever breaking up, and loves me more than anything in the world, but when he tells me this, I only feel guilty that I don't feel that intensely for him. I care for him a lot, but I don't know if that's enough. I need advice!
View related questions:
depressed, sex life, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Hi,
I think what you shared was an intensive holiday romance & when you returned home the fun loving had gone, you didn't have the ideal set up that you had imagined & you were both back to being normal people in ordinary surroundings. I don't think that either of you should be in this relationship i think that you are both in it for the wrong reasons, but i do think that you should talk to him & explain that things are not right and that you are very unhappy about the situation, it's not good to just keep a realationship going just for the sake of it will only make you both more unhappy in the end!
I hope i have helped even just a little & i wish you luck in finding the answer's that you are looking for
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Sounds very familiar to my story!
I met my girlfriend during the summer and when the summer ended...we started the ldr and its so hard...it changes the emotional dynamic soooo much, as well as the sexual dynamic.
All i can say is communicate your feelings honestly and openly with him...trust him completely...and just support him and send him care packages spontaneously, letters, emails, avoid too much phone time as you tend to reveal insecurities over the phone. Dont expect him to change for you...find your own happiness and share it with him...dont use your own happiness to control him...give selflessly out of love and expect nothing in return...you will benefit from the giving more than the recieving.
As far as the sex goes...dont try to force anything...just let it happen naturally and dont expect it durting reunions with him....
As far as knowing if you should be with him...meditate...breathe deeply and just spend alot of time in a spiritual place (i like the outdoors) thinking about your goals and write them down...remember that a relationship takes a lot of work...but its worth it to be intimate with a person on that level because love is the ultimate of human expression and being alive...but suffering is the opposite and is also necessary...if there was no suffering there would be no love. Appreciate the suffering your going through and know that if you make it through this tough time...the reward will be huge when you guys come together in love. Be faithful, and true to your values.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (16 October 2007):
The sooner you dump him the better off for all concerned. Your life paths are not flowing together. Staying together would be hard and hold you both locked down.
...............................
|
