A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I can’t trust my wife w/her male cousin’s relationship.Here’s the story. I know I have some deep insecurity issues I need to deal with. These have led to intense forms of jealousy.I have been married for 16 years. My wife is an ultra-friendly person and wears her heart on her sleeve – she’ll get emotionally open with just about anybody. About 3 years ago, my wife’s family encountered a long-lost cousin who had been given up for adoption. He’s 40 now and married. I’m 38 and my wife is 37. Over the past 3 years my wife has started to get to know him better – mostly by e-mail but has increased dramatically by phone. I had met him only twice at a couple of BBQs.Well over the past 3 months she has started to talk more and more about him. She says he understands her and they get along very well because they have the same personality. She says she feels secure in that relationship because she can be herself w/out judgment or condemnation. I started to get suspicious (and I’ll tell you why in a minute) so I checked her phone logs, text messages, and e-mails. They had almost daily phone contact and daily e-mail contact….w/out involving me in the picture. The worst part is that he’s all that my wife has wished for in a man: she loves singing and he’s a musician for a Church, he loves God, he’s caring, understanding, friendly, funny, and loves to talk. Now the background: In my culture, having exclusive daily contact or relationship with another male when you’re married is inappropriate – unless he’s your brother or father of course. I don’t approve of it because they share their intimacy too deep (I’ve seen the e-mails asking him to call her to talk about how he’s feeling about certain situations, etc.). You can have a relationship w/a male relative, but nothing hidden or one on one (my wife goes in the other room to talk to him or talks to him when I’m not around and doesn’t share what they talk about). Note: she does this w/her female friends too, but don’t understand why EVERY conversation has to be private.Now here’s the REAL reason for my insecurities, and I hope most of you will relate/understand: about 9 years ago, she had and emotional affair with a co-worker of hers. This while she was going to church and I wasn’t a Christian. Well now, all the same little deceptions and white lies are springing back up. All the red flags are appearing. I’ve asked her to cut down on daily communication and she has done that from her cell phone but now she’s talking to him from our home phone for upto 45 minutes on one particular day. She came home from school early yesterday and was home for at least 45 minutes (all on the phone with him) but she told me she had been home 15 minutes – blatant lie to my face. I’ve asked her to share what they talk about but she says it’s nothing and that they’re private matters – all innocent and about family and Church.I don’t know what to do. I’m seeing a therapist to deal w/my insecurities, but right now I don’t feel I can trust her if she’s doing things behind my back. I feel her relationship with this guy is more important than our marriage. Note: when the affair originally happened it was as a result of me not being there emotionally for her. I know I haven’t been totally there in the past couple of years, but I’ve tried. I think she has relationship attachment problems. How can I get her to see my view?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): Thanks for the response pvtguy. My therapist agrees this may be too much exclusive contact. I've already talked to her cousin about it, but he says that's how he is: he talks to his sisters on a daily basis too so I have nothing to worry about. I can respect that that's how he is, but that's not what I'm confortable with. My wife pretty much has told me I need to accept this relationship as is - that she won't cater to me. She's a stay at home full-time student, so she has plenty of time on her hands. I've tried to explain to her: how would his wife feel if she found out the amount of contact they're having, but she ignores the question and doesn't respond to it. I feel I may have to talk to his wife too to let her know what's going on. Do you think this would work?
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