A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had what I thought was a happy relationship and a satifying one, until I found a porn magazine in the bathroom. Then my Fiance' lied about it and said a friend gave it to him when he really bought it, then I found out that he was looking at dirty U tube videos online and lied outright and swore to me that he didn't masturbate when he did. I am really hurt by this and I know I shouldn't be because mastubation is a natural thing, but him looking at porn and then lying about it breaks my heart, makes me feel unatractive,like I am not satisfying to him, and not able to trust him because of the lying, what do I do????
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): on the masturbation side of things i agree with what others have put it is something everybody does and if you don't then it may just be your not sexually comfortable with it i wasn't for a very long time. but i completely understand why your hurt here its not because hes watching it but because hes lying about it, have you asked him why he likes it and if hes comfortable talking to you about it maybe hes scared of how you will react. you do need to make clear to him that you are okay with it as long as you know about it and that you will not be okay with him doing it if hes going to lie because thats where you will have a trust issue. be suttle in your approach and tell him you don't mind porn but no more lies and hopefully you will both be fine with it.
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (24 August 2008):
 About the masturbation ... there are two kinds of people: those who admit they masturbate and those who lie about it. Asking your husband about that was silly, You should have known the answer before you asked the question.
Porn is another thing. It was not nice of him to lie about it, but I suspect he thought you would be hurt by him admitting that it was his. Porn is fantasy, not real life. It has nothing to do with you or how attractive you are.
Some guys just like to look. It's a fact, and has nothing to do with how attractive their spouse is or how satisfied they are with their lives together. If your husband is withdrawing into a world bounded strictly by porn and masturbation, they you've probably got cause to worry. But if he's still attentive to you and your sex life remains good (i.e., if he's still interested and willing to do as much as he ever has been), then you shouldn't worry about the other stuff. It's natural, and he was just lying to try to protect your feelings from exactly the kind of things you seem to be feeling now.
This is one of those areas where it is hard to explain something across the gender gap. But unless there are some other signs of trouble, I think things are OK for you and you should try to put this incident behind you. Just accept the fact that your husband masturbates (like the overwhelming majority of other people in this world) and that he has a not-uncommon interest in sexually explicit material. Neither one of those is a threat to you.
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