A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy pretty regularly for about six months. We're not officially dating mainly because I don't want too and still consider myself single even though I haven't really hooked up with anyone else besides him. But basically my problem is that he's such an asshole when he's drunk. He literally throws temper tantrums. He spits on HIS OWN FLOOR and breaks things in the house. He gets into fights with people and loses his phone and credit card and then can't pay for cabs. He literally got evicted from his apartment for being too drunk and screaming all the time so that the neighbors would eventually call the cops. A lot of the time when he's drunk he'll get especially angry if I'm not there. He tells me he loves me all the time and I know he really does. He says I'm the best thing in his life. Basically I just don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him about his drinking before but he just seems to pretend to be upset and feel bad for himself but makes no effort to change. He just does it enough to make sure he won't lose me and go back to his old patterns as soon as he thinks I've forgotten. One time he got too drunk and I wasn't picking up my phone and he DROVE TO MY HOUSE IN A CAB. I live about a 45 minute drive away from. I don't know if I should stop seeing him? I like being with him sober although I'm not in love with him but I CAN'T STAND him when he's drunk. I also just don't understand why he acts this way when he's drunk if he's so different sober.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I dated a guy in the same boat but he was abusive with his drinking we fought all the time when he was drunk but when he is sober that's the man that I fell in love with.But guess what I love me best that's why I left his sorry ass.If you stay he might try to put his hands on you leave now once a drunk always a drunk some ppl aren't cut out for drinking period.Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): The guy is danger when he drinks OP.
I'd sit him down and tell him you don't want to be with drunk him and that he is a. not drink around you, b. not contact while you drunk and c. if he breaks any of those you're gone.
I wouldn't waste my time with him though OP, I had an ex who was a complete bitch while drunk, do the same things as your guy and then apologise the next day and regret it, yet always kept doing it.
OP when you drink as a lifestyle, as most of us in western countries do then the drunk you counts as the person you are. I'm a motor mouth drunk, I become someone who doesn't shut up and everyone's best friend. None of my friends mind but if that bothered my fiancée and if she thought it was over the top then we wouldn't work as a couple no matter how we work when sober. OP if the drunk version of a partner is something you can't tolerate then you can't tolerate a very big part of them and it's simply not going to work in the long term. Your guy is awful drunk.
I mean the only reason you should drink is for fun, to socialize and have a laugh, he turns into a vicious animal. And may actually be that way sober too but just controls it better, give it a year or two until the honeymoon period is over and this may well come out in his sober life too. Drunk is no excuse for stepping over the line OP, you can only give so many chances before you're the idiot for tolerating it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I stayed with someone for 18 years, from our early twenties when we were both quite innocent, right through. When I first met him I was aware that he liked to drink and that his family liked this. He was extremely loveable and charming and I had the most loving relationship with him BUT that's what made it all the harder to deal with the other side of him - his drinking increased, not daily, but binge drinking at least twice a week and not only was he unbearable when drunk but I would be effectively continually either nursing him in his one or two day long hangovers and/or waiting for him to stop being drunk/stop being hungover so that we could do 'normal' relationship things. Had he been out and out horrible no way would I have stayed. As it was, this 'two-side' nature of him made me stay for nearly two decades hoping that he would finally mature. He insisted he did not have a problem, but our lives became increasingly chaotic. I was constantly stressed beyond any belief as I tried to carry on with a normal life - I am far too patient by nature and what I realised was that I was effectively 'enabling' him to remain a binge drinker/alcoholic by staying. I lost my health through stress - the stress became so enormous that I went from being originally very fit and healthy and able to run and so on to having chronic fatigue where I get constant colds and flus and can do no aerobic exercise without getting awful symptoms two days later. The roller coaster of sometimes feeling loved and loving someone and then a couple of days later being woken up at 3am with someone drunk and shoving you awake whilst you are in bed so that they can start arguing with you and finally being violent towards you is honestly not worth it. You cannot help someone who will not admit they have a problem. And I had become dependent on him emotionally and unable to connect to 'normal' people because life with him was so extreme. It's been almost two years now since we split and I pray that my health will recover as it debilitates every aspect of my life. It's only now that he is finally admitting what a 'dick-head' he was and how much he threw away - but it's too late, I love him but I cannot go back to living in fear in the way that I did - always tense in case he gets drunk, never ever being able to trust that when he says he will come home he actually does, never being able to plan anything - weekends, holidays whatever - because he is so chaotic/hungover/drunk that he cannot plan ahead. It's a form of violence and actually an attempt to dominate others - the person inflicts their behaviour on you and, if you fall in love like I did, it can trap you because you want to help the person. I threw away my twenties and thirties on this person and I'm not saying I didn't learn a lot and didn't love a lot as well, but when I think of what I could have had - stability, a happy home, love without extremely bad behaviour thrown in, kids and more friends...it's not worth it. I'd say just don't do it, don't go there - he will simply pull you down with him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Listen to me very VERY VERY carefully… RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest relationship exit with this guy.
ANGRY drunks are VERY dangerous. I live with and I’m married to one. DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO…. DO NOT stay with him.
I haven’t even read your whole post… I got as far as “he’s such an asshole when he’s drunk” that’s all I need to hear. He’s drunk enough that it’s the whole reason for your submittal.
GO NO CONTACT. If he shows up at your door drunk DO NOT open it. Call the police.
AN angry drunk can KILL YOU… DO NOT engage him in conversations. Do not try to reason with him. He’s an alcoholic even if he does not drink daily… even if he does not get drunk daily even if he holds down a job and is functional.. he’s a DRUNK… RUN as fast and as far as you can. PLEASE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Break it off. Tell him you can no longer tolerate being involved with a guy who drinks like that. I get the whole young drinking thing, but this guy is not taking into account his behavior when he drinks like that and is leading to a real problem if he doesn't calm it down and know when to stop.
If he REALLY wants to change for himself and get his partying/drinking under control, he will do it. He has to do it for himself. And if he REALLY wants to be in your life, he will calm it down too. Set some boundaries...he gets drunk like that, leave, or do not answer your door. His drinking is causing problems in his responsible adult life...if he is not acknowledging this and keeps at it anyway, he's probably already an alcoholic...bad news...you do not want to live with that...it will only get worse down the road.
I am in my late 40's and I have seen first hand friends who are still drinking it up like they were back when we were your age, losing work, relationships, child custody, DUI's, arrests, etc. all over the almighty bottle...it's really quite sad and pathetic, but alcoholism is a nasty disease and not as simple as it would seem to stop...if he's already showing these signs by losing an apartment over drinking...wow...you've got a problem on your hands. Tell him the truth and don't enable him to continue. He will do what he is going to do on his own, but he needs to feel it where it hurts...you drink, I walk. You sober, I stay. You will be helping yourself and him by being firm about this. You might be the one to get him to stop...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2013):
 I would honestly end it. He doesn't want to stop drinking and he sees nothing wrong in how he acts out. It will escalate.
And what's next? hitting you? Getting evicted again and wanting to live with you?
This isn't stable. It isn't healthy for either of you. Unfortunately you can NOT fix this for him. He needs to WANT to change.
I would get out now. And then go no contact.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Everyone acts a different way when they are drunk. He sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. There is not much you can do about this other than wait till he is ready to do something about it or leave him. You either stay and put up with this behaviour or leave. You aren't in love yet so maybe now is a good time to go..,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I'm in the same boat hun, but rather my man doesn't get angry he gets leery, like one of them men when you out who stares at everyone, I've told him and he said he doesn't realise he's doing it, try to talk to him and if he respects your enough he'll drink less! That's what's happened with me x
Good luck!
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