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anonymous
writes: Hi - i've posted a couple of questions to this board before - and find that the process helps me a lot as there has been some excellent advice forthcoming.Its been seven months now since I split with my fiance - she's been seeing someone else since.I'm upset she hasnt tried to contact me since the split, although at first I refused to answer any calls from her as I didnt want to remain friends and all of the complications that would involve. She has definately moved on from our relationship - and I definately havent - and that fact alone is killing me!Can anyone offer any advice on how to get over this, to cope with the daily pain and depression I seem to be suffering? I thought that this long after the break up, time would have healed - but now I occasionally see her drive past, or have her car parked at the local pub, and it seems to open old wounds...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): I dealt with a broken engagement 2 years ago so will tell you what happened to me and hope that it helps you. After we got engaged, I moved across the country to start grad school and we were going to plan the wedding for the summer after my first year. She visited me twice during that time and I was home for Christmas and nothing ever seemed wrong. As soon as I got back in June (wedding was later in the summer) I knew something was wrong. She did not seem very happy to see me. 10 days before the wedding she finally decided she could not go through with it. I was totally devastated, I had done nothing wrong, she just simply realized that she had changed her mind about marrying me. We continued to talk to one another, trying to decided if it was really over or if she was just not ready. In my heart I knew that if she wasn't ready now she never would be, but it was very hard to accept. I went home and we continued to speak on the phone and online. One day 3 months later when I was getting used to the idea of being alone she hit me with the news that she was dating someone new and it tore me apart. As much as I thought I had been prepared for that day it still hit me like a truck. I was totally miserable and wanted to die. Not too long after this I met someone and I knew I had some kind of feelings for her. I agonized over whether to pursue this because I knew that my feelings for this new girl were real but that I was still dealing with a lot of issues from my previous relationship. She too constantly worried that she would amount to no more than a "rebound". I decided that I couldn't pass up something that had the chance to be very good for me and assured her that she was more to me than a way to dull the pain. The problem was we were both right. At first a huge part of our relationship was that I needed her to help me heal. I had a fear of getting too involved and I never fully opened up to her, until it was too late. Eventually, I realized that I didn't need her to help me get over my ex, but I needed her just for her. By then (about 7 months into our relationship) she felt like she could no longer wait for me and had moved on. Now of course I am dealing with a whole new heartbreak but at least I discovered that I was capable of recovering from anything. The painful lesson was that it can take a lot of time to get back to a place where you are ready to love again. There is no set amount of time and no cure-all remedy. My advice is to try and find distractions wherever you can, with friends and family. Try to limit the amount of time you spend thinking about your ex, looking at old pictures or listening to familiar songs. If you find someone new who can help heal your pain, be careful and be honest with yourself and your new friend but don't pass up a chance to be happy. Take things slowly, but never doubt that you will one day be yourself again and that you will find yourself capable of loving someone else.
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (10 May 2006):
 There is obviously closure issues with you and her. You need to tell her how you feel. Though it seems stupid after so long but you don't know how she feels about the whole thing and just because her body is with him her heart could still be with you. Its probably her way of coping. Time is a powerful thing even though it seems like time is taking forever you have to let it. Keep your head up and focus on you thats the best cure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): Aw, sorry to hear about this. I am going through a breakup myself and although it is early days, I am finding it much more difficult than I've ever known.
I'm trying to take the advice of my friends. To get on with life, to keep busy, to think positively about myself but it doesn't seem to work too good.
I'm going to see a counselor about this and I'm hoping that by talking through it and with them guiding me, I should hopefully be able to put things in to a better context and "move on".
I think 7 months is quite a long time, so have you considered getting some help in understanding what happened and moving on?
I hope this in some way helps... and if you come across some miracle cure for getting over someone, please be sure to email me how! :) Peter
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