A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Where to start? 40+ years old. Married for 18 years. During my marriage there were a few strings of infidelity. A lot of my family in and out of the house. We took care of a lot of people but never was able to focus on us. I know this and I do believe this played a big role in the fact that we are now divorced. But there were issues on both sides of the fence not just with my family but his as well. I always figured no relationship is perfect and that as long as we talked it out we would stay together. It felt as if he just gave up the last few months of our relationship. I begged him to spend time with me that I missed him but to no avail. He went out a lot and always found excused not to come home. All I wanted was time with him but needless to say here we are. I saw him yesterday for the first time in a long time. I put on a good show. I smiled and listened to him talk about what was going on in his life. I listened intently and he hugged me on the way out. I can’t help but want him back but I dare not say anything. I see that he is happy (or so he seems to be) and I do not want to ruin his happiness. I miss him. I love him. I want him but not with any strings and not with the trust issues I have. There are so many items out there on “how to get him back” but I don’t want to play games. All in all I am a good person, I always try to see the best in people and help others too much (or so I am told). My motto has always been it is better to be kind than right. I know he loves me and he feels bad for all that happened but I can’t continue to feel 2nd best in his life but yet I can’t see myself with anyone else. I know I probably sound like a hormonal teenager but I can’t deny what I feel. I put on a happy face for work and family. It is not something I want to lay on them so they feel burdened. I also feel like this is something I have to content with alone. I feel discontented, empty and lost and I have no direction at the moment. I pride myself on keeping it together. So many people come along and say let it go, move on but all in all we can’t help who we love. I know there are other “fish in the sea” but I don’t want them. Suggestions?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): It's normal to feel a sense of loss and grief. Your marriage has ended. However; you fear loneliness and you're shying from your independence. At least in a marriage, there is co-dependency. The healthy type originates from a loving partnership. The unhealthy kind is using each other out of convenience. Existing in a state of complacency due to laziness and a lack of ambition to grow or change.
You've exhausted what you had with him; and all you're really missing is the comfort of your co-dependency. Hiding within a domestic couple, but hating every damned minute of it. Choosing it as an alternative to being alone; even if you're miserable.
You may think you love him; but love doesn't end in divorce, my dear. You don't love each other enough. You loved him in the past, and those feelings obviously changed. You could no longer compromise or heal from the wounds you inflict on each other. He grew distant, because he no longer enjoyed being married to you.
Let it go. You're maturing and it's time to focus on self-improvement. Develop and strengthen those weak areas in your personality that you've neglected, or have yet to explore. You've had the experience of marriage, now rediscover and reinvent yourself. Reacquaint yourself with freedom, and learn ways to enjoy your independence.
Life is not life; unless you can enjoy it both alone and sharing it. Be your own best friend. I learned how after I my partner passed away; then after I got dumped by the next man I thought I loved. He said I deserved someone better.
I couldn't agree with him more, and he was right. That guy turned up when I wasn't even looking for him. Truth be told, I'd be fine with or without him. I didn't always know that. I had to learn it. Wisdom comes with age!
People who enjoy life have no problem finding people to share it with. They/we know life isn't always happiness and joy. We/they count our small blessings. They're a joy to be around, and they enrich the lives they touch. That's my personal goal in life. To touch and enrich lives, and go to my grave well-loved; and knowing I've helped to make life better for others.
Don't fear you won't find a replacement for your ex. You have to push yourself out into the world, and challenge yourself beyond what you know and where you've been. You will meet interesting people and find things to do with yourself, other than depend on a man for your survival.
I'm not saying you shouldn't want a man to grow old with; but life is too short to revolve it around only one guy. Expand your horizons, sister! Date and enjoy the company of men. Without needing to have one! Be aware of your own strength, don't just lean on men for it. You'll drain life from them doing that, and they'll leave you for it. And rightfully so!
Destiny will lead you to someone else if that is to be, but you need to learn to live with yourself, by yourself, and take care of yourself. Not want back into a relationship that ended because it burnt-out. You could no longer find fulfillment in your marriage, or each other.
Not seeing yourself with someone else is defeatist and not giving yourself much credit. What you really mean is you're afraid you won't attract another man, because of your age. I picked that up all through your post. If you have to beg someone to be with you, they don't want to be. It may also be an indication you're not fun to be with. If he enjoyed your company, he'd always be there. So don't misplace your love or waste it. Save it for yourself, and someone you'll find in the future. Make yourself better, and you will find someone better to be with. Don't assume you're find, you have to be a work in progress. You're never too old to learn or grow. You're not old yet, so use this time wisely!
Find interesting things to do with yourself. Travel. Work with children or the elderly, rekindle your spiritual faith, get a make-over, volunteer at a hospital, or go back to school.
All these things bring rewards, and will propel you through the grief and the hard emotional times. Get some grief counseling to help you overcome your feelings of loss.
My dear lady, you'll be okay. I went through some troubled times in my life. Loss of my partner, the death of three sisters, and I got dumped. All this time, I wouldn't give into self-pity. I fought my way through. Helped other people. Made new friends. I give to others, say prayers of thanksgiving, and I challenge myself. I found someone wonderful in that process. I wish the same for you.
Get over him. Life is just starting fresh. It's not over just because he's not in it.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 It's time to focus on yourself. You can pamper yourself, do things you were never able to when taking care of family. Go on a solo vacation, or pick your best friend or relative if you don't want to feel lonely. You need to get your groove back. Travelling or doing something fresh for the first time can jump start a new life. You don't always need a direction in life. You can pause for a moment and just like let your car go on neutral.
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