A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split up and got back together with my boyfriend in september last year, in the few months we weren't together a mutual friend of ours got a bit too friendly with him, flirting, sending love letters, generally coming on to him at every opportunity and telling me i should keep well away from him because he was a waster.When I found out I naturally wasn't happy and confronted her. She lied about everything and threatened me with the police if i text her again. I gave it a few months and because she was still friends with my partner I attempted to message her to apologise for my reaction but explain i was obviously angry and got no response. Since then I have moved in with my partner and he asked her to back off which she has, but i still find myself checking an internet site she and I are both on incase I come across something else. I genuinely feel like I trust my partner, and I feel like I have let the incident go, but I seem to have got into the habit of checking up on her like im going to find something.Can anyone help me stop this habit, or give me some pointers as to how I can sort the problem behind it. I dont want to continue it makes me feel like a freak or a stalker, i dont check it often every other week ish but it was december last year I discovered what was happening, and april this year when I moved in and she finally backed off. Or am I being too harsh on myself considering its only been just over a month since she stopped fishing around my boyfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks Ive blocked the emails from that particular site and deleted my history as i cant seem to delete my account.
you have made me feel a lot less crazy, like you say if it wasnt for the internet i wouldnt be going around making an effort to find out the information i think its been more of a safety blanket type thing to stop me being hurt again more than any real interest in what she is actually doing (as I dont really have any interest i just dont want her to do anything else to attempt to sabotage my relationship. Ive done this a few times before in different situations and I think its an insecurity thing, I feel like the more I know the easier i will deal with things, tho its not true as its just holding me back.
Thanks so much you have really helped.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 I think unfortunately you're going to have to try and let this one go.
It is SO SO easy for us to have access to other people's lives online now a days that barely anything is sacred anymore.
In real life we wouldn't be able to access so much information with a click of a button and would most probably never find out anything of significance to go on and we'd get over it and move on a lot sooner.
The invention of the internet, however, has turned a lot of us into spies and stalkers in the sense that if there is someone we want to get to know a little better we can almost certainly find them on facebook, myspace, twitter, flirting sites, dating sites, book sites, you name it there's a site for everyone right now and almost every time someone signs up for one they're giving away a little piece of their soul to the world - including you and I.
Now, don't think of yourself as a stalker in this, that isn't what it is, but you are wary and curious when it comes to this person. The fact that you might one day click on her page and BAM some kind of a revelation MIGHT just happen is keeping you going back there.
Well, you know what curiosity did to the cat?
I would suggest doing some of the things I did when I fell out with a friend of mine last year - delete her email address, delete all history and tabs containing any of the sites she might frequent. When you have cleared up the obvious ones go to any sites you might share with her and delete your own accounts there - this will stop you from getting curious by association when you visit the site.
Don't be affraid to get ruthless! Sometimes de-cluttering the sites we visit and our emails etc is a real release!
You have to remember here that you have the man you want to be with and whatever happened when you were not together doesn't matter anymore, it is a clean slate and you need to let that be water under the bridge.
Accept the fact that what she did wasn't 100% wrong, but it wasn't right either. She has most probably learned from her mistake and you have both lost a friendship, which most probably hurts her as much as it does you.
Concentrate on your boyfriend and your relationship. Any time you feel like checking up on this girl just try and sway your mind to do something else because in the long run, if you don't put a cap on it now, you might end up with a self fulfilling prophecy which pushes your boyfriend away as it slowly eats you up inside and becomes an obsession.
You're fine right now! Just take a deep breath and let it ALL go.
New start.
xx
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