A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:To keep this to the point here are the facts:Subject: I can't seem to forgive or forget my boyfriends past actions.Term: dating about 18 monthsActions: one incident of text flirting with a local girl, one incident of sexual email exchanges with a girl he knew from his home town, one incident where i pretended to be someone else online and he flirted with me and said he didn't have a girlfriend (but later he said he knew it was me all along which may or may not be true.The issue. This man is the love of my life. I have never met anyone that has made me as happy as he has in EVERY way. We are friends, we can talk, we can laugh, we enjoy eachother in every way. I feel completely connected to him and would marry him tomorrow if he asked except...I can't seem to forgive what he did! I feel like he's always trying to hide things from me though I have not caught him doing anything I haven't really been trying to catch him because I am afraid of what I might find. I did have a friend spy on him at a recent event he went to with a male friend and he behaved. I haven't checked his phone though it does seem to ring/get texted very infrequently these days. I just don't know what to do. I have always had a problem forgiving people when they do me wrong but I don't know if that's the only case here. I just feel like even though we are blissfully happy, it's all going to blow up in my face again. Do I keep seeing red flags or am I imagining red flags? What can I do?!!! I love him so much. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): lol. Well I must say I only tested him by being this online person AFTER I found out about the first text issue. But that being said I didn't taunt him sexually I just had email conversations that lead to the "do you have a girlfriend" and then he said no. :( Anyway, you're right I am always looking for things because he's always given me reason to but I am now 75% done and only 25% torn so I'm getting closer. :) thanks for the advice.
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 I've 3 thoughts :
1) You were just as naughty by trying to lure him into a sexual conversation as you pretended to be someone else...
2) If you look for problems, you will find them.
3) The sexy texts are bothersome. Unless he apologized profusely and explained that he was being foolish, and that you mean more to him than any one else in the world.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Well thank goodness. Anyway, how can you know for sure that he hasnt met anyone.
I only say that because Social sites like FB and Myspace are relationship killers. People can seemly be perfectly happy in their relationship, then see some image of someone there that they create a fantasy around, and the next thing you know, they are spending countless hours on the web, clearing their browsing histories countless times, etc.....and then it can only go downhill from there
best of luck, and I think you are saving yourself a boatload of heartache by ending this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Grimm... he didn't know my friend was there cuz I didn't even know she was there at first plus it was someone he'd never met. That being said. I think you're right. I've seen the writing on the wall...it's just things are sooo good when they're good. And he's been so good lately (that I know of). The thing that gets me is the last time he did the email indescretion thing we were perfectly happy. THat's the thing. I'm not saying any of this is my fault when I talk about having a hard time forgiving I'm just trying to make sure I'm not being too hard on someone because of my past experiences. Most of my male friends say he didn't really do anything wrong since he never even met with these girls in person. But to me it's a matter of time. The texts and emails were disrespectful whether he met them or not. I would never do anything like that to him so.... yeah. Gotta get out.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 June 2009):
Well you are not alone.
BUT:
You already caught him after pretending to be someone else. After you had discovered his sexual emails. You see, he is using the net to get potential hookups in case you dont work out.
the reality is that you aren't SEEING ENOUGH RED FLAGS!!!!
I hate to sound negative here, but this script is written by many victims of cheating on other sites. The same basic script permeates sites like this.
"I suspected he was cheating by his IM and his secretiveness around the computer. I found out, but he assured me that this was just harmless flirting....and I believed him.....(insert countless paragraphs about what a mistake it was)".
That is the way the story always starts. Im sorry, but you already have a snapshot of you future and you have your head in the sand. Actions speak louder than words, and you already had to go to those lengths to catch him,. and then you take his word for it after all this is staring you in the face?? HE KNEW YOUR FRIEND WAS THERE TO SPY...GIVE ME A BREAK!
Ive heard this all before and it always ends badly.
Of course he is going to be on his best behavior(as far as you know). He will wait until he thinks your guard is down and then continue. He will simply become more secretive.
It's not that you have a problem forgiving people, its that you do that because you are letting your heart dictate to you rather than common sense. It takes the heart a long time to catch up to the head. Do you want to sacrifice a future with someone you can trust as opposed to living in perpetual suspicion with this idiot?
My advise is for you to stop wasting your energy on someone who you already know you can't trust and concentrate on fin ding someone who wont disrespect you. Because at the rate you are going, you will be back here in 6 months lamenting the fact that your man cheated on you and you will be cluelessly wondering how this could have happened.
IT MOST LIKELY ALREADY HAS, MOVE ON!
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