A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Me and my boyfriend have been together for four years now. We love each other very much; we live together, we have so much in common and I just love being with him. We have our ups and downs like any relationship, sure, but we're really close and I think we have a future. The only problem is his mother. Now I'm going to try and be as respectful and objective as I can... So my boyfriend's dad hasn't really been around in his life. His mum was the only one bringing him up for many years, and I really admire that; I can only imagine how difficult it must've been to be a single mum. But her behaviour just seems... Inappropriate. My boyfriend confessed to me many times, that she never was a good mother. She never told him she loved him, she used to go round sleeping with many different men (she has 3 kids, all with different men), instead of looking after him when he was little; my boyfriend suspects that she did some drugs in her time, too. These days, she still goes round asking him for money and never paying back (even though he's just a student with no real income). You know what he told me once? That whenever he stays with me at my parents', it feels more like a home/family to him than his own mother. Now how am I supposed to feel/react after something like that? Of course I dislike this woman. My boyfriend couldn't wait to move out of there, we got our own place over a year ago. When he was still living with his mum, he used to complain all the time; many times he said that he hated it there, that he couldn't wait to move out and live with me. When he finally moved out, he seemed happy, relieved, he admitted that himself many times. Now here is an interesting turn of events - something I need your help with. My boyfriend's attitude towards his mother has changed drastically since he moved out. He started getting really homesick (I understand that, though - this was my first time moving out too, and I miss my family a lot). He doesn't visit her much, because of money/far distance to travel, but whenever he does, he acts like he's having the time of his life, he speaks really highly of his mother; he used to complain all the time, and now it's like she deserved a mother of the year trophy. He now blames me for having a negative attitude towards his mother, but I can't help it. Whenever I think of her, I have this image of a horrible woman who sleeps around, constantly begs for money and does drugs. And it's not like I made all this stuff up - my boyfriend told me these things. Now, I don't want to make myself look like some archangel here. I try to be as respectful as I can, but sometimes I just lose it with him and this whole situation. But honest, at the beginning, before all the truth about her came out, I was really trying to make friends with her - I always used to buy her gifts, text her/call, just you know, trying to maintain a good relationship. She never liked me, and she was never afraid to tell me that, but I always just thought that's it's not unusual for girlfriends to not get along with their potential step-mothers, so I didn't think much of it until my boyfriend told me all these things... HE WAS THE ONE who told me she did drugs, HE WAS THE ONE who told me she was a horrible mother, HE WAS THE ONE who said my parents were more of a family to him than his own parents. Now I'm made into some sort of spiteful, paranoid, jealous woman who hates her boyfriend's family for no reason. I try and be as respectful as I can, but yes, I am human, I do sometimes lose it, I do sometimes makes snide comments, and I regret it later; but I just don't think it's fair that I'm being made into a bad guy when she is the one who did all the wrongs and is now perceived as the best mother on the planet.I don't really understand why my boyfriend's attitude changed so much - I think it's because he moved out, he doesn't need to directly deal with all this family stuff anymore... He barely sees his mum anymore, and I guess he just wants to make the most out of it. But I can't help these awful, negative feelings I have towards her. Am I in the wrong here? What should I do about this? I said to my boyfriend long ago, that I respect his family ties but I don't really want anything to do with his mother. I haven't spoken/seen his mum in over a year now. Now they're all getting along and I'm the bad guy. What's your opinion of this?Sorry this is so long... But it feels so much better to just get this off my chest...!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): Basically i think he is feeling guilty for leaving his Mum and you are the scapegoat. It is wrong what he is doing. My advice is get your own place or share with others...he needs to get his head straight. Its not your job to do that for him. By being neutral he can make his own mind up. You are too involved.
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