A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex gf the relationship didnt last that long, maybe only 5mths and we split up about 3 yrs ago. Since then we have moved in and out of each others lives. Truth of the matter is I still have alot of feelings for her and her for me (though I know my feelings are much much more stronger!!) but for reasons I do not want to go into, it is just not at all possible for us to be together.I have since had other gf etc but have never felt for anyone else the way I feel for her, and not even sure if I will ever have another relationship that can compare to what we had.But the thing is she still wants me in her life, she still tries to call me, text me etc and do the whole "lets be friends" thing. But when I am around her it is too hard and painful. I have explained this all to her and she stopped trying to meet up with me as before, but in the end I will still get the odd text from her just to say hi and see how I am etc. And even if I dont talk to her or I ignore the messages I still get upset hearing from her and being reminded of her.But jsut dont know hwo to deal with it-everytime I hear from her I get so hurt and down and depressed and imagine her being with soemone else and messes with my mind! Its been 3 yrs and still I feel this way!!!Perhaps she doesnt really understand or hurts as much as I do to have this contact even though I have told her time and time again and been VERY firm that we cant see or contact each other but still she will text me every few months etc. With me I cant have her in my life as it hurts too much, and with her she cant not have me in her life at all it seems....Yes I can ignore her calls and texts, but fact is, just seeing her name alone flash on my phone is upsetting...I can NOT or do NOT want to change my number or anything and I need my phone number for work. And I dont want to swear at her or be rude next time as obviously I love this girl alot so wont ever do such a thing. Just need to know how to deal and cope with this when I do hear from her!
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depressed, ex girlfriend, moved in, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): Hi...
What's happening here is YOU love more than she does...plain and simple. You have a bigger love to share, and she just isn't there. There's no right or wrong...just the way it is. And because you do love more, you're going to hurt more...both sides of the coin...as high as you go is as low as you go.
Acceptance of yourself first is necessary, who you are and how you love and feel. Learn to love her unconditionally, with no strings attached, not wanting anything in return, and you'll be surprised at how that works!
Hugs!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Dear Moderator
I am the anonymous female that wrote the long response and I would like to ask "WastedLife" agony aunt if he could give us his opinion if possible please? Could you please pass this message on to him?
Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): In the same situation, due to see ex soon. He turns up regularly. It's a real living nightmare.
Don't know what to do myself? Just keep myself busy and try to ignore the situation. We meet, I cry, start the business of forgetting again, until the next time he turns up.........
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A
male
reader, Rey  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Anonymous Female's post was really touching. Made me think about some stuff I'm currently dealing with. I broke up with my first love in November after she treated me horrendously and I suspected her of having Hypomania. And even though we've broken up and she's cussed me out for suggesting she may be mentally ill...she still calls me almost every single day. Even after she said "No more calls, Txts, etc".
Sometimes when she's drunk she even says "I Love You". I understand how hard it is to move on from someone when they constantly contact you. I've thought about cutting her off completely, but she was my first and I just can't bring myself to completely eliminate her from my life. I even get upset when I think about her with other guys.
I don't think we can be together again because of her selfish and self centered ways, but I'm trying to learn to be her friend without thinking about her romantically. I haven't succeeded yet because every so often I think about all the time we've made love and it's hard not to want that back. Nevertheless, I will try and I'm hoping that by occupying my life with other things (Working out, school, career, etc) one day I won't need her as much and perhaps I'll meet someone who is an even better match for me and that that person will lessen the feelings my feelings for my ex.
I hope this helps you a little bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): With or without you....
I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. I am THAT girl contacting you, in another life parallel to yours.
Like you, we had no choice but to go our seperate ways (though after a 3 year relationship), for reasons that I do not want to go in to. We said good bye passionately, lovingly and in the most beautiful, caring way and then he moved to another country to start a new life. I guess I was hoping that we would at least stay in touch by email now and again. I send him an email to see how he was doing in his new life and to offer my love and support. He did not respond. This sudden, blunt cut off happened straight after he got on that aeroplane and I am sooo hurt that he did not write back, not a word. It seems like this person just flicked a switch and that he abandoned me and just like that, suddenly do not care about me at all. I can't describe to you how much that hurts...
So, male from Canada, I challenge you to think laterally. You two can't be together, but in your hearts you want to be together. After all this time, your love is still real and to me it sounds like she is desperate to have you in her life in some way, because she probably feels the same about you. You clearly have something real and incredible, that doesn't come along often. By trying to cut that off, you are becoming depressed (not because she is contacting you). The pain is not away, when you try and hide away from her, you just hide the pain from yourself. It is still there you just find it easier to pretend that it is not, when she does not contact you and remind you of her existence.
So, as I see it, in reality life is not always black and white. Can't you consider letting her back in to your life in some way?? Use your imagination. How bad can it be, to have someone love you that does not demand from you? Someone that is simply there, somewhere caring about you, supporting you, even though you can't have a traditional relationship? It seems to make a lot more sense than trying to cut off something that does not want to be cut off, from both sides. You say what???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): All contact must stop or you will never move on.
In the same situation right now and my bf is moving across country so that will help a lot. No emails, calls, texts, NOTHING.
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