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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi all,So I'll start from the first time I was ever betrayed by a guy. About 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy for about 6 months and this was my first serious relationship experience. This guy was a nice guy and very sweet but since we started dating I kind of knew that he didn't really feel the same way about me as I felt about him... long story short... I found a letter from his ex-girlfriend saying that she couldn't believe that he was with me when he didn't love me. I talked to him about it and he didn't have much to say because he really didn't feel that way about me... he cared about me but he didn't love me. I felt devastated but I continued to be in this relationship to later find out from the guy's mom his past with this girl. We ended up breaking up and that was that.For a whole year after that I felt betrayed by guys in general. I wasn't able to trust any of them and therefore I never engaged myself in anything more than casual dating. A year ago I met my current boyfriend and he truly is an incredible man, he's sweet and loving, he cares about me and we really click. I truly have never felt the way I feel about him ever before, we really are meant for eachother. Now here comes my problem... since my last serious relationship I haven't been able to completely trust again... even with my current boyfriend I've aked him about his past girlfriends or girls he's been with, etc. I've asked him if he would ever cheat on me and the answer was always "No, I would never cheat on you or leave you for any other girl" and I truly believe him. Some time ago we thought about having a threesome just for fun, because I'm curious really and he always thought that would be fun. So about a month ago he told me we could probably do it with a girl he knew and I said that was ok. So one night he tells me that this friend of his needs a place to stay for the night and he asked me if it was ok with me for her to stay at his place and he litterally said that she would "sleep on the couch" so I said that was ok as long as she would sleep on the couch.... the next day I looked through his text messages and find out that he had been talking dirty to her and he even asked her to come over and cuddle with him. This pissed me off so much so I confronted him and asked him if he had done anything with this girl. He swore on his mother's name he didn't do anything with her at all, he said they didn't even kiss, nothing. We had a long discussion that night I founf all this out and he even cried he begged me to forgive him that he never meant to hurt me, he said he loved me and that he didn't want to loose me for some chick he rarely talks to. The conversation was long and we both cried I was really hurt and I didn't know what to do... at some point I told him to leave that I didn't wanna see him and he left for a while, he took a walk and then called me crying telling me that he couldn't even see me straight in the eyes beacuse he felt so ashamed of himself. We talked some more and I told him I couldn't trust him again that if it was already hard for me before because of what had happened with my ex that now it would be even harder I also asked him that for things to work out with us he needed to be honest with me, 100% honest all the time. So I fogave him and it's been a month.At times I keep thinking about it and it makes me mad and frustrated and it makes me feel insecure to trust again. I asked him not to talk to this girl again beacause I have an issue with that. So today I asked him if he had talked to her since the incident and he said he did because she wanted to know what had happened. So i got a little upset because he had talked to her... I also found a txt message from him to her wishing her happy birthday. He got really mad because I was bringing this up again, he said that he no other girl he has met has anything on me and that he would never leave me for anyone and that he'd never cheat on me. He said that he can't control people that message him online and i said he can... i told him he can tell this girl he simply wont talk to her again or just ignore her, and then I said that if he didn't tell her I would. Then he got even more pissed beacause i sort of threatened him. He said he never talks to her on the phone, he never sees her, he never even cheated on me (he didn't have sex with her), that he never had any intimate moments with her, but he did say he talks to her online once in a while when she messages him and it's never for long. Yet i feel like he should completely cut her off since it makes me uncomfortable. Am I being selfish to ask him that?Also since the incident, he's afraid that I'm checking on him all the time or that I am checking his phone etc. and he doesn't seem to trust me in that respect. I find myself doing these things like checking the phone to see who called or to read texts, etc and I hate this behaviour I have I dont know how to stop it and I want him to trust me back. I love him so much and I know he loves me but I cant seem to get past what happened to me in my first relationship and now after this recent incident. I want to trust my boyfriend completely and I want him to trust me but I just dont know how to... I'm afraid that he'll do something like what he did before again and I am jealous that he still talks to this girl even if it's ocationally. I dont know what to do. At this point I feel like if he ever cheated I'd dump him and not even look back, but what we have is just too amazing, we have an incredible connection and chemestry and I know he loves me beacause I have been in past relationships where it just felt wrong.Please if you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it.Corina
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2006): Hi Corina;
I know how hard it is for you to trust guys again after the trust that you had together has been broken. I was with a guy for a number of years, got engaged, was building a house, planning the wedding when I found out he was having an affair with my best friend!! I lost my best friend and my lover all in the one go even tho my “best friend” at the time said we would never let a guy get in the way of our friendship!!!
I thought that I would never get over that but I did, with the help of my other friends & family!! I’m with the most amazing guy now that I have ever met!! We were honest with each other from the start about past relationships, like him telling me he had a 7-year-old son who he sees quite often. I’m glad that he felt that he could trust me enough to tell me about his son from the start of our relationship. It helped me to learn to trust him, it took a while but I’m so glad now that I did learn how to trust him… as I have NEVER been happier with anyone as I am with him…
The only thing I can say is, if you really don’t want to lose what you have now with your boyfriend, be truly honest with your boyfriend and him with you. It’s not healthy to be thinking of all these scenario’s either! If you continue to threaten your boyfriend with ultimatums about this girl you will only end up driving him away from you and into the arms of this other girl (if she has feelings for your boyfriend and maybe that’s why she’s trying to stay in contact with him.)
I’m only telling you this for your own good – not to scare you!! Learn to trust him, start things over again and be honest with each other – it goes a long way in relationships.
Good luck with things…
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