A
male
age
51-59,
*hicago1000
writes:My girlfriend of almost two years, “Sara”, just asked me to marry her. She is a realist. And for a women like “Sara” to have reached a point in her life where she would even consider marriage again (as she was briefly married to her high school sweetheart nearly 10 years ago) is a true testament to how much she has come full circle in her life and has found it in her heart to “fall in love”. Again.“Sara” is what one could describe as being a “Sexual Tyrannosaurus”. Our sex life is absolutely amazing, to say the least. However, I can not help but think on occasion, more now recently then ever before, that her sexual prowess in the bedroom, or anywhere else for that matter, stems from a past laced with dissipated sexual encounters. I know this. But only vaguely. And now that we are to be husband and wife, I find my curiosity running wild. More so now then it ever has during our life together thus far.“Sara” has been very honest and forthcoming about her promiscuous past. She is very open about her sexuality. She has no regrets. No qualms about her unchaste lifestyle before we met. So we had both agreed early in our relationship that the details of her past liaisons would be left there. In the past. And the subject of “numbers” would never be discussed.I had a slew of past relationships that did not work out for a myriad of reasons. A few because I personally could not deal with knowing the intimate details of their sexual history. So it was only natural that "Sara" and I decided to never breech the subject, and if we did, it was for informative reasons only, as I wanted the relationship between the two of us to flourish. And in doing so, that is, keeping this subject as vague as possible, “Sara” and I have enjoyed a wonderful, fulfilling, and loving relationship. Not that my curiosity has not gotten the better of me from time to time, mind you. And I've asked a few questions that I shouldn't have. But I have managed to keep the majority of my inquisitiveness to myself.How do I keep from thinking about this? Especially when I have resolved in my mind that the details of such a past will only hinder our relationship? What little constituents I know about already plague my mind almost daily. It is only now, on the eve of starting our new life together, that these revelations are becoming an overwhelming issue for me.Any suggestions on how to weed out these negative emotions before they become an even greater issue than they already have?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): To the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 Hey Chicago1000 - that's an incredible story I've just read. You are the special / unique one, and you don't realise it. I think "Sara" does. You are very very brave and a fantastic inspiration. I was going to wish you luck but that's not what you need, so I wish you continued confidence and faith in yourself - and everything else will follow.
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reader, Chicago1000 +, writes (9 October 2007):
Chicago1000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMr. Kermit…..
I read the article you suggested. And again. And again. And I am contemplating it’s suggestions as I am “writing” this.
I agree that the underlying issues I am dealing with are of my own persuasion. It is my own shortcomings (that is, my own lack of willingness or, past inability, toward sexual experimentation; unlike that of “Sara‘s“ ability to have done the opposite) that I am at odds with. But admitting this fundamental flaw in my own personality is only a start down the "road of acceptance" for a varied path like “Sara’s”.
Our differing past’s aside……I feel that the road I must travel is a long path of self exploration. One that will be revealing, I’m sure.
I am well outside my “comfort zone” with “Sara”. I was raised, and lived the majority of my life, with “old fashioned” values and beliefs. The “country boy” in me has always lived in accordance to the values set forth by my parents and grandparents. Now that I live in the city, with a women much different, in almost every way, then what I have been accustomed to thus far in my life experiences, is a little, for lack of a better term, disconcerting.
My life now is much different then what it was only a few years ago. My family is gone. My wife. My kids. My life in the small town in which I was raised. All but a distant memory (I moved to another state and city where I have taken on the life I now lead). And “Sara” is a women who is a complete “photo negative” to the women I have experienced in my life.
"Sara" is unique in that I have never known a women who is like her. Stunningly beautiful. Extremely intelligent. Brash. Facetious. Fiercely independent. Mentally and emotionally strong. And yes. Openly sexual. I have embraced these differences. But, alas, have not accepted them for what they are.
They are the values that make up the one I have fallen in love with. They are: “Sara”. And perhaps she will make a man out of me yet. :)
Today is the day …..and I begin with one foot in front of the other. My journey begins.....
Wish me luck. And thank you.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 One of the BEST articles about jealousy that helped me deal with it is called:
Jealousy and the Abyss. You can find it on the net.
It helped me, maybe it can help you too.
You honest is impressive. I Respect you.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, Chicago1000 +, writes (8 October 2007):
Chicago1000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you , Mr. Kermit, for your response’s so far…..
I don’t want to seem naïve, especially having been through divorce myself because of my own spouse’s infidelity, but trust has never been an issue for “Sara” and I.
During conversations with her friends and family, they have reiterated what “Sara” has always maintained about her past relationships. That is: she has never cheated on a boyfriend or lover and she has said, and I quote: “ ….I would never wish upon my worst enemy the pain that comes from having been cheated on. When I’m committed, I’m committed. When I’m single, well then, I’m single.” And I’ve never been given a reason not to believe her.
The more I’ve talked about these issues with others, the more I’ve come to realize that my concerns with “Sara‘s” past may stem from a combination of my own insecurities coupled with a little (and I hate to admit this), jealousy. “Sara” and I have completely different backgrounds. I never had a girlfriend during high school. I was the archetypal “fat kid with glasses”. The geek. The “nice guy”. The one who was liked because of my wit and sense of humor. But always the “friend” of girls who were like “Sara” (the beautiful, intelligent, fun loving, and popular ones that permeated high school “clicks”). I married my first girlfriend. And spent the better part of my adult life in the capacity as a husband and father.
I’ve known what it was like to be insecure. The odd one. To never fit in. What it was to be lonely. To never have some one special in my life to share my feelings and emotions with, much less, to have a physical or sexual relationship. And I’ve struggled my entire life with an “identity issue”. Never happy with who I was or even familiar with who I wanted to be. But in my marriage, and the relationship I found with my ex-wife, I was comfortable. My ex was an extension of myself. One who shared a similar past. With “Sara”, however, I feel completely different.
After my divorce, I changed a lot. Both on the outside as well as the inside. I lost over a hundred pounds. Started wearing contacts. Lifted weights. Changed my appearance. And began changing my personality to accommodate the “new me”. My life thus far has encompassed the proverbial “ugly ducking” apologue. I have in the past few years personified the “Marlboro Man” image in all its “glory”. And the women that began paying attention to me after this change were women that, at one time, would have never given me a second glance. I tried to embrace the “player” mentality. And for a short period of time, I did. But I was uncomfortable with it. I soon realized that no matter how attractive I became (and I do not say this to be egotistical, mind you), I was still a geek on the inside. And my outlook on sex, and it’s place in my life as an expression of love only, never changed. No matter how much I tried to alter my personal ethics in regards to sex. I’ve always been “passionate” in that I’ve never had animosity expressing myself sexually. And I’ve never had a relationship where my partners were left wanting in the bedroom. So, “sexual performance”, as suggested by Zim’s response, has never been a predicament for me.
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“Sara”, on the other hand, has never experienced a past like mine. She is absolutely gorgeous. Intelligent. Witty. Fiercely independent. Always been “comfortable in her own skin”. One who has never known loneliness. She has always had men in her life. In what ever capacity that she wanted at the time. She is one of those women who could walk into a night club or a party, or any other similar situation, and leave with who ever she felt inclined to be with.
I think it is for this reason I may have a little bit of jealousy rearing it’s ugly head. And I have been using forums like this to find out how I can handle this without voicing these insecurities I have with myself to “Sara”. To “Sara”, I’ve always been “her cowboy”. I’ve always maintained a façade of confidence and strength. And for her to know I’m a “geek at heart” makes me feel a little uneasy. Perhaps I am a bit worried that she may find out that the man she fell in love with is not the real me. But then again, it is an identity I have worked hard to find. And that for the first time in my life, I like myself. But I feel that this relationship with “Sara” is lacking that element of security I had with my ex-wife. And of course, my ex, never had such a indiscriminate sexual history.
I don’t know.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (5 October 2007):
Based on your reply, you both experimented. However you came to one conclusion about your beliefs about sex, and she would have continued that lifestyle if not for you.
I think you are right to be concerned.
Here is a conversation the two of you MUST have:
What do you both plan to teach your potentail daughters and sons about sex? If you plan to teach them that sex is one thing, and she plans to teach them something different, then you may be signing on for something that is going to be more drama and grief than it is worth.
I do not think it is her past per se that you have a problem with. I think your issues are more with the fact she feels differently about sex than you do, and it makes you question if you could trust her. She really has no problems using men, and feels no remorse about it. The fact that she sees it as "using them", instead of sharing with them would make me concerned if it was my gf.
I do not buy for one second that she lived her lifestyle because she was not over her ex. Maybe at first, but the YEARS she did it, and the fact she would still be doing it, says she did it becasue she wanted to and SHE LIKES IT. There is nothing wrong with liking it, but it is not the lifestyle you perferred. Long term, you think this is going to work? How long before she misses it? Are you open to having a more open relationship (swinging) and such in the future?
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, Chicago1000 +, writes (5 October 2007):
Chicago1000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think Mr. Kermit’s response is a good indication as to why I may be feeling the way I do. “Sara” and I do have a little different take on sex. All be it our discussion’s about her past experiences and, sex in general, have revealed that, at least at one time in her life, she did share the same view’s as I.As I had previously stated, “Sara” had been married to her high school sweetheart. And at that time she had married the only man she had ever had sex with. To her, at this juncture in her life experiences, sex was still very much an expression of love between two people that cared for one another, then it was a "carnal desire", or a “physical release”, per say. This is how I have always viewed sex myself. That is: an expression of love. After her divorce however (her marriage ended abruptly after only one year because of her ex-husbands infidelity), she dealt with her pain and anger by burying the emotions and intimacy that one experiences during the sexual encounter and began, what she would call, “kicking tires” and "making up for lost time". And the lifestyle she would thus lead for the next 10 years after that was one of sexual freedom and experimentation. Like "troubledtoomuch" had said about his wife in his rebuttal, I completely understand "Sara's" mind set in that regard. I too had been married for 14 years to my college girlfriend. My first sexual partner as well. And like "Sara", I dealt with the negative emotions associated with my ex-wife’s infidelity through a short run (about a year) of similar perversions and debauchery. A few one night stands here and there and partners that I would have in my life for only one reason; sex. It did not take me long however to realize that this lifestyle was not for me. And it ended very quickly.It took “Sara” much longer to get over her ex-husband. And one can only imagine how many liaisons one would acquire over the course of 10 years if they had had that sort of "sexual philosophy". For “Sara” however, her personal beliefs on sex and love changed drastically. She was able to make a distinction between sex and love and separate the two from one another. And it is this regard that I have had issues with. Our sex life has equal portions of love and intimacy coupled with down right lust. And it is in this respect, that is the “lust factor“, that I find myself concerned. I have never been able to carry through, even during my short run with the “one night rodeos” that are associated with the whole club scene, a sustained style of living where I did not care about my sexual partner or their feelings. “Sara” however had no problem with using men for only one reason. Her realist mentality saw a very defined line between sex and love. And because of that she had walked away from several relationships, and men who would eventually want a relationship, because she only wanted one thing from them.Now that she is experiencing sex with intimacy again, she has changed, at least in regards to OUR relationship, her outlook on sex. We had met during a time when she was on hiatus from the party scene and wanted to take the time to find a relationship based on love, not lust. But she has stated in general conversations together that she would have no qualms eventually having had returned to such a lifestyle again if she had still been single.And it is this little confession of her’s that I find very troubling.
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reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 How about turning a positive into a negative huh?Look at it this way, yes she may have slept with a lot of guys but she has chosen you to be her mate for life! What does that say about you?And so what if she has slept with a lot of guys, I know we are socially conditioned to believe that women are loose if they have a history but this is the 21st century, we need to cut this crap out.Personally, I know my wife had a history before I met her but so did I , it never entered my mind to judge her past, what gives me the right?Moreover, my wife told me after we were married that the couple of guys she was seeing when we first met ( she is leggy, intelligent and beautiful ) both were very well endowed. Now, I can imagine most guys would shrink up into pathetic little boys on hearing this, but I took this as a compliment. Hell, here she is with two porno lookalikes lusting after her, but she chooses me!! What bigger compliment can a guy get?You are a lucky man, but I dont think you realise it yet.
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (5 October 2007):
How about turning a negative into a positive.All of these questions are always about the Woman's past never the man's. Why is this? It's because of our social conditioning thats why; a woman with a past brings up our the little man in our head saying, Slut Slut!.I knew when I met my wife ,that she had a couple of guys interested in her ( damn, she is blonde, beautiful and intelligent ) but she dumped them within a couple of weeks of meeting me and we have been inseperable ever since.Now, I dont dwell on her previous liasions although she told me that her two previous blokes had huge cocks. Now I would think a lot of guys would find that soul destroying, but I thought wow! you gave up a couple of porno studs to be with me! You see, to me that was the ultimate in flattery, she wanted me not some other guy just because he had a big cock. I think you should be seeing this in the same way, you are very lucky to have this girl, dont ruin it with petty insecurities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): There are so many questions on this forum like this. It seems at least 1 per day. I asked a similar question myself a couple of weeks ago about my resurfaced feelings about the past sexual history of my wife of 22 years. You may be different than me, but I don't think that the feelings will ever completely go away. Let me repeat some of what I said to another poster earlier today:
"I had problems with my wife's past many years ago and we discussed it some, but I could not handle it well and she stopped talking about it. She was my girlfriend back then. She thinks that she felt guilty about her past back then and I wasn't helping her feel any better. I put the thoughts to the back of my mind for 20+ years and we have had a very happy marriage. They recently resurfaced and we have again discussed them. She no longer feels guilty and is able to discuss them freely. It took about 3 weeks of discussion and some help from people on this board for me to realize why she did what she did. It also helped to know that there were other men like me who have the same thoughts. I have not thought badly of her past or wanted to talk to her about it for about a week now. I hope this will continue for a long time, but if it resurfaces I know that she will help me."
"My wife and I both believe that telling the truth and discussing the results is the best policy. You cannot dwell on the past, but the only way to stop from dwelling on it is to resolve it in your mind. It takes the help of both partners to do that. If your girlfriend is willing to discuss this with you, don't make the mistake that I made. Don't make her feel guilty about anything. Hold back any bad feelings and try to talk in a way to make her feel good."
You say that "Sara" has no regrets about her past. That may be true, but it is also possible that she feels guilty but can't admit it. My wife felt that way many years ago. She now does regret some of what she had done, but she no longer feels guilty. She has absolutely no reason to regret the other good relationships. We have been able to talk about anything and I am now understanding what she was going through and why she did what she did. I would still rather that she had never slept with some of the men, but I now understand.
I know that there is no one way to handle these thoughts. What we did may be best for some people and for others it may be best to never know the truth. Perhaps you and your girlfriend should read these various responses together and discuss how you both want to handle it. That may or may not be a good idea, but it is what my wife and I have been doing. There have been times during our marriage that we have not discussed some feelings about our life together and we both had the wrong impression of what the other was thinking. When we finally discussed them the feeling was like, "How stupid of me to have thought that." It has always been best for both of us to discuss problems, even when we waited a little too long to do so. Maybe it just takes years to accept what one does not like about another person - I don't know. Best of luck.
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reader, Zim +, writes (4 October 2007):
 It is natural that you are thinking these these things now as marriage is a very important thing and subconsciously, as well as consciously, you want to make sure that you are happy with everything too. Believe me, it happens to everyone. However, you two appear to have had a fantastic relationship. You trust each other and love each other. The only issue is your fear of her past sexual relationships. This is again, natural. You want to be the best for her, and to be honest you are at this stage considering she has asked you to marry her. Why are her past sexual experiences such an issue? I think they are because you do not have a "number" inside your head. Yet you know that if you knew this, it would affect your relationship with her. You are essentially torn between curiosity and fear of the unknown. But I think, that when you really get down to it, you are comparing yourself to her past experiences. You are thinking about, "how did I compare with that" and so and so forth. Why are you thinking that? If sex was the be all and end all for her she would not still be with you if your sexual performance was poor. But I can tell you for an absolute fact that sex is not the essence of a relationship, even with sexual tyrannosaurs.
The key point I am trying to make in this is that you are with her now. You are both going to get married. She asked you to marry her. No issues with commitment or love there. She trusts you and you trust her. Fantastic. Therefore, does her past history really matter? You have a woman to die for. One who loves and cares about you every single day. Most men would kill for a woman like that.
Does that all make sense? If you have more questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
ZIM
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (4 October 2007):
It depends on your beleifs about sex. Would you have lived her lifestyle if you had the opportunity? If yes, you can not hold it against her. If no, then she feels differently about sex than you do, and chances are you will not last long term. Have the two of you considered having children? If so, what values regarding sex you do BOTH plan to raise them by...yours or hers (assuming you value sex differently). Be careful. Your entire relationship sounds like a red flag.
-Frank B Kermit
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