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anonymous
writes: I have a question I need to ask anyone who has endured a longstanding relationship or is in one now.I have been with my girl for over 2 and a half years now. We got married in October. We are in a good loving relationship and fitting into the married life.My problem is this: I feel like I'm getting stepped on to a point, always over little things. I work hard, and I feel like I should be able to have fun when I'm home. I help figure out bills, do my part on keeping up our place, and make dinner Monday through Friday since I get home from work first. I have no free time, because my wife wants every bit of my time now. My brother is back from college for the holidays and we had a fight over me spending the day with him. If I'm not spending time with her, I'm a traitor in her eyes and she lets me know it. This isn't good for me. I prefer to compromise instead of fight, although I will fight her if things get too ridiculous or out of hand. She's changed a lot since we got married, and it's only been 2 months! Granted, my work schedule did change so our time off coincides more than it did. How can I make my points more clear to her without starting up too much drama? I don't want to go drinking with the guys, I just need some time to myself and with my family. Anyone with mature advice, please help!Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, pops +, writes (18 December 2005):
Does she have a family that she spends time with? Are you always along when she sees them? Try to get her to see the situation as if your roles were reversed. You are married, and you should not be surprised that your new bride wants to spend all her free time with you! And she expects you should want to spend your free time with her. She does feel she is being rejected when you propose going out without her. Why not invite your brother to your house? When she gets used to him, she will be the one to excuse herself to do something while you two catch up on old times. Or she will be the one to suggest you take your brother out so she can have the entire house to herself while you visit with him. But, try to find some way to include her in your visit with friends and family. They will actually think its strange that you don't bring her with you, but you probably didn't think about that. You wife wants to be with you when you are relaxed and happy. Let her come along with you. Your relationship will work the best in the long run.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): After the "honeymoon period" is an excellent time to address this problem. If you can't get her to understand you may want to get a third party ie therapist to discuss it.
In order to maintain a healthy marriage you and your wife must be secure and trust each other. Within a marriage it is good to maintain friendships, hobbies, and time that doesn't include each other.
My husband had difficulty with asserting himself because he doesn't like conflict. He is now heart sick because he was unable to ask for what he needed. He is now 40 bitter, resentful, and ready to end the marriage after 17 years because he feels guilty enjoying his solo hobbies music and computers.
It is important to the long term committment that all reasonable requests are negotatiated fairly. You must assert yourself ask for what you need or you can become passive aggressive, angry and eventually you can unfairly harbor deep resentment towards your wife after years and it will kill your marriage.
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