A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm losing grip, and I'm losing my mind... I've written on here before, but I'm still suffering. Things got better, and now they're falling back into a place that is haunting me, and it's a place that I can't escape.I am 20 years old (almost 21), and my boyfriend (22) and I have almost been together for a year now, and we love each other very much. We've been living together for the past 4 months, and it's been amazing. We both work full-time, and he just recently finished up school (I'm still in school), so we haven't had a ton of time to spend together. We get along fabulously, and have only gotten into a couple minor fights that were resolved relatively quickly. We talk about getting married, buying a house, having children, and retiring together. We have clear goals, and know what we want from each other and from our relationship. We've both met each others' parents, and we're pretty much engaged.However, knowing all of this - living with all of this - doesn't silence my thoughts and insecurities. I'm constantly thinking of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. They broke up about 4 months before we met, and about 7 months before we began dating. I've never met her, and frankly, I don't want to. I hate her. She and my boyfriend dated on-and-off for about 3 years. I've heard that their relationship was terrible (from multiple sources). For a while, I tortured myself with thoughts of why he stayed with her, or rather, kept taking her back so many times for so long. They fought every day (so he claims), and she cheated on him, used him, lied to him, manipulated him, and was irresponsible, irrational, and immature. She also dropped out of high school. I've recently had a talk with him about this, and he explained to me that the reason why he stayed with her for so long and put up with so much from her was because he was largely influenced by his mother and sister (who were also drama queens). He said that, at the time, for some reason, he just needed that drama in his life to feed off of. He said that they broke up many times (at least once or twice a month), and that every time it happened, he felt free, and was able to breathe. But then she would call him and text him constantly and pretend to be clean of drugs and alcohol (she was 15 and 16 at the time), and beg for him to help her and take her back. She also threatened suiside on him every time he tried to break it off with her.It made a lot of the many images I had in my head drift away for a time. I could understand better as to why he kept taking her back, though I could never do it. However, this did not calm down my irrational thoughts about their relationship. I found her MySpace and her Facebook, and since have not stopped looking at her photos, comparing myself to her. Wondering if, someway, somehow, she's better than me. She's pretty, and (kinda) has a good body. She became pregnant a few months after my boyfriend split with her. I saw some pictures of her a couple months before she had the baby, and she looked like she had gained a lot of weight. I haven't seen any recent pictures of her (that I know of).She recently (as of about a week ago), messaged my boyfriend on MySpace. The message contained 3 words: "I hate you". When my boyfriend told me, I became sick to my stomach. It wasn't like she messaged him anything threatening to me and our relationship, but the fact that she had to message him at all turned my stomach. It's been one of the worst fears in me to have an ex of my boyfriend pop back into his life out of no where. She obviously wanted a reaction, and wanted to introduce herself back onto the scene. Luckily, he didn't respond, and asked me to go onto his account and block her. I went to look at her profile directly after he told me, and I noticed that she was no longer "Her Name and Significant Other's Name", it was simply "Her Name". It was obvious that her and her fiance (the father of her child) had broken up.Since then, I haven't stopped looking at her profile. I look to see when the last time she signed-in was. I look to see if she's changed her profile picture, or updated anything. I'm so lost... I don't know why I've become like this. I hate this girl. She makes my skin crawl at the mere thought of her. And yet, she's become the focus of all of my energy and attention. I can't stop thinking about her and my boyfriend and their relationship. I've asked him about it so much, and I don't think I can ask him anymore without him getting seriously annoyed and ticked with me. But it's driving me insane. Where do I go from here? No one understands where I'm coming from. I don't even know where I'm coming from... I can't afford therapy, and have no medical coverage otherwise. Please help me...
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broke up, drugs, engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, fiance, his ex, immature, myspace, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 What the hell are you doing to yourself? She was ancient history in his personal life long before HE CHOSE YOU as his focus!
Actually, go get a peice of paper (yes - right now) and write in big fat letters HE CHOSE ME on it and pin it on your bedroom wall. Be reminded of this every time you wake up, and tell it to yourself every time you have these nagging insecuries trying to surface. HE CHOSE YOU! End of Story! She is of no consequence! He is EXACTLY where he has chosen to be - with you!
Your letting a ghost haunt you and for no good reason! Just let the guy love you and be with you! U deserve and are entitled to that - arn't you?
Now is the part where you nod and say yes ..lol
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): It's as though you willed the ex back into his life with all the compulsive worrying on your part. You need to forget her and just live your life with him in the present.
Perhaps, your insecurities are justified because he talks about his ex and how much better some of her attributes were in comparison with you, but that should not be brought up anymore as they are irrelevant and damaging your relationship as evidenced by your reactions.
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A
female
reader, baybay +, writes (22 December 2009):
 dude iv had the same problem i even went as far as telling my bf at the time
you can be friends with girls as long as you havent fucked them and as long as im pretter then them lmao
but finally i realized guys are sooooo turned off by that kind of stuff cause its definatly a sign of low confidence for shure
my advice is to get over it
if he leaves you for somone else he odviously isnt the night an shining armor that your supposed to marry because 'the one" wouldnt even have the thought to cheat on you
good luck:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): I've been there. And frankly from experience, it seems to me that the main culprit in your extreme insecurity is your own bf. When your in a relationship u arew supposed to make the other feel special and unique. And sometimes that requires your partner to withold certain information so as not to hurt your feelings. In this case it sounds like your boyfriend has said too much. Perhaps as a result of incessant questioning and nagging or perhaps because he was nonchalant and ignorant and volunteered the information without you asking. I don't know. Either way you have entered an emotional state that is stressful, hurtful, obsessive, masochistic and unecessary. If your bf is the culprit of this problem because he gives too much information voluntarily then you need to stop him. Say, I don't care to hear this or that about your ex gf. If you want things to go well with me then you need to stop bringing her up, if not I don't see this working out... However if you are the problem, if without him offering the information you are and always have tortured yourself to want to know about something that he doesn't talk about (which if he's not talking about it he probably doesn't care), then you need to stop! Stop asking questions. Everytime you think about it say, blank, and think about something else more constructive. If the problem is you then you need to retrain yourself to hold back just like you would train yourself to quit any bad habit like smoking for instance. You have to be constantly aware of your downfall and constantly be telling yourself NO. You have to retrain yourself just like a person who cares about their health trains themselves to not smoke, or a person who cares about their figure avoids certain foods. Well if you care about your bf and your relationship you will stop bringing this up. You have nothing to lose by trying.
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