A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 years old and I have been with my boyfriend just over a year and he is my first boyfriend. It wasn't because i was raised in a very conservative family. I just couldn't find a guy that likes me back and I also like. I have rejected couple of guys who asked me out because i wasn't interested in them. Then my boyfriend came along and our feelings were mutual.From the beginning he told me he was not a virgin and i was okay with it then but more and more I got to know him and eventually fell in love with him, I realised how much it bothers me. Some days I'm okay but other days, the thought of him being with another girl and having sex drives me crazy. I'm his first love and he did tell me he regrets losing his virginity to someone else not me. He wishes we'd met earlier and how he would rather think of me as his first and only girlfriend he had.I'm blessed that he cares about me but I want to get rid of this thought completely. It has gotten much better than before but I still need some advice.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I think your feelings come from him saying this:
"I'm his first love and he did tell me he regrets losing his virginity to someone else not me. He wishes we'd met earlier and how he would rather think of me as his first and only girlfriend he had."
If he regrets it that makes the impression that he did something bad and wrong. So your natural response is to also wish he hadn't done it. I mean you were fine with him not being a virgin when you first got together, this is something that has some creeping up on you as time went by, and as he kept saying these things.
Sure, it is sweet of him to want only you. But it is also outright foolish to regret doing something that was perfectly fine. It paints the situation as an unacceptable one, and makes it difficult for you to accept it when he doesn't even accept it himself.
I might think that, yeah, wouldn't it have been romantic and lovely if I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, and we'd be each others first in everything... Uhm yeah, but it's a crazy romantic and idiotic ideal. In your thoughts it might sound nice, but there is no guarantee that the reality would have been as nice.
What if his first sexual experience was the thing that gave him the confidence to flirt with you, and without that experience you'd never have been together? It's not that hard to imagine. I loved my boyfriend since the day I met him 10 years ago, but I didn't have the guts to right out tell him until 2 years ago. If I had stayed single through these 8 years, and never had a boyfriend, never had a sex life... you know what? I probably wouldn't have the confidence or experience to be with him. As well as it would have been absolutely impossible for us to have a good relationship, as I wouldn't have been experienced enough. I did all the immature fighting and name calling with my exes. I grew up because of it. If I hadn't gotten it out of my system I'd just have been immature in this relationship, rather than experienced and much calmer.
Your boyfriend had one small and tiny experience with someone else, maybe it didn't have a big impact on him, made him grow etc. Or maybe it did! It made him realize that wasn't what he wanted, and probably makes him more appreciative of what you and him have. Who knows really what would have happened if he hadn't had that experience. But it is foolish to regret it, because every thing he's done in his life has been a part of making him who he is today. And if the one he is today is something who found you, and has a good relationship, then he should be grateful for every experience he's made. Because they brought him to this point where he is now in his life.
You need bad experiences too in life, not just good ones. And you need to be appreciative of the bad experiences as well as the good ones, because the bad ones tend to be the ones you learn the most from. So tell him not to regret it, tell him to embrace it and be thankful for it. I believe that once he starts to accept it as a "not so good" experience, yet a valuable experience, then you can both move on from this.
"He wishes we'd met earlier" - Tell him that there is no guarantee that you would have gotten together if you met earlier, and that it is better that you met when you did, because you were both at a stage where you wanted to have a relationship with one another. If you met earlier you might have not gotten together at all, so what would be the point of that? I met my boyfriend 10 years ago! Didn't make a friggin difference, we still didn't become a couple until recently, because we weren't ready to be in a relationship with one another back then.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 You're suffering from what's popularly called "Retroactive Jealousy".
This link may help explain what you're going through and also important--how your partner feels about your retroactive jealousy and how this negatively impacts his life.
http://retroactivejealousy.com/
You don't have to buy the book to benefit from the very good advice on his front page.
This link has some good advice as well:
http://retroactivejealousyadvice11.wikispaces.com/What+to+Do+If+You+Have+Retroactive+Jealousy
Retroactive Jealousy has tenuously been linked to OCD and may actually be a symptom of this. A talk with a counselor or therapist may help you figure out if this is a symptom of a larger mental health issue or if it's merely a self-esteem issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I can understand your concerns but there are so many other first for you to focus on and enjoy together. First time in love. First house. First child. etc. He can't cahange his past. It may bother you that he has slept with someone else but maybe that baggage makes him the man you love. All of us are defined by our choices in life, they make us who we are. I would also urge you to remember that there are other stronger forms of intamacy than just sex. The fact that he choose you be with you should be the most important thing. People are not their sexual status, they are just people trying to live as best they can in the moment. If you say together 30 years, it won't matter who he first slept with, it will matter that he choose every night after with YOU!
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