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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi guys. i have been with my bf for 3 yrs. he is 28 and i am 26yrs. am afraid he isnt a very good person but his family and him keeps begging me to stay with him. his mum says i am good for him and will help him.Earlier on in the relationship he admiitted to me to be involved in illegal dealings(con man).i told him i will have to leave him cos that's wrong. he later got a job and stopped all this dealings.i know this for a fact cos his group of friends kept trying to reach him and we had to move out from our house to avoid them.he maintained contact with one friend who also is working and is no more involved.Also, he tells lies alot and tries to manipulate me.its very bad and he will swear he is telling the truth only for him to admit when caught he is really sorry.i know this must be a trait for his past work and i am trying to help him tackle this but havent been able. now i hardly ever believe what he says anymore.he tells me he is going somewhere and i find him somewhere else or a friend tells me they met him somewhere. he says he stopped drinking and smoking but i know for a fact he hasnt, i wanted him to quit cos of he has serious health issues.he can make romantic plans for the day and never once fulfil it. he has done that several times and not once will he keep to it.not ever.i have always try to fix things and be understanding to people needs since i was a kid. i love this guy how do i help him. he says all his previous partner left him cos there was no trust and doesnt want me to go. i am tempted to leave cos the trust isnt there anymore. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): Hi, I have a very similar problem. I've been with my bf for 7 yrs. He also drinks too much, smokes and does drugs. We split up on several occasions but always got back together cos we loved eachother so much, then he lied about things incase I'd leave him. He finally cut back on drinking and stopped drugs. But I recently broke it off for good cos as much as I love him, I cannot be with someone I cannot trust.If you don't have trust, then you have nothing. No matter what happens in a relationship, it can be worked through cos ye are a team but without trust then its you against him and there is no winner.It's the hardest thing you'll ever do and I miss him so much. When your with someone that long they become your best friend and the other half of you. But You must decide what you want from a relationship and decide if you want to settle. If you do then thats ok but what if there is someone out there for you that can give you everything you every wanted and your never going to meet them if your settling.Another question you must ask yourself, that is hard to answer honestly is, are you afraid of being alone??
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2005): sometimes a man will lie because he loves a women so much that he his afraid to tell the truth incase she walks away!
It all depends on the reason he lies, is it because he has no respect for you or himself there is a huge differance.
you need to tell him you love him but cant handle the lies!tell him that he can tell you anything and you wont judge him but if he continues to lie after several months without opening up to you move on, you simply dont mean enough to him for the lies to stop.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): ONCE A LIAR, ALWAYS A LIAR. CAN'T TEACH A OLD DOG NEW TRICKS. LEAVE HIM.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (9 December 2005):
Hello,well I don't know whether to congradulate you or not for trying to help your bf. I mean the thought is good, the intention is all well, but its not doing any good is it, unfortunatly. I mean you are obviously unhappy and hes not doing well is he either. I know when you love someone that you just want to make all these problems go away, but your a human being, you can't do it all by yourself. If hes drinking, smoking and taking drugs, then thats not a problem that you as his gf, a friend or any family memeber can stop! He has to want to stop and to change and with that he needs professioanl help. Its an addiction that you can't help, you can be supportive but that doesnt mean you have to be his lover.I think it must be clear that you aren't 100% happy in this relationship, are you? So you have two options, 1- work on it or 2- leave him.I guess you have to be able to sensibly and without letting your emotions take control of you to cloud your view, predict if he can change, if things can be worked out, so therefor you can decide whether its BEST for YOU to stay or not. Let me tell you this, you can love someone in life but not have a relationship. Love does not equal happiness. It does not mean eveyrthign will be OK. Love is a feeling that is not perfect in reality, only in movies it is. So what im saying is, even though you love him, that doesnt mean you have to stay with him. How do you think YOU will feel when your 50 years old with a husband who lies, who you cant trust, you become so paranoid about what hes doing, a husband who is an alcholic and drug addict and who smokes, who could probably be dead by then. A husband who is in jail for being a con. Now i dont mean to be disrespecful to you or your bf ok, im just trying to point out that your bf has alot ofi ssues and problesm ,hes not ready to be in a relationship and you deserve and should be with someone if anyone who is! It seems to me him and his mother are trying to guilt trip you and take advantage of your kind nature. Thhey know you have a heart, a big one and you love helping people and taking care of them, and i must say thats great, and sure he needs that, you dont need him. you dont need someone with those addictions and who treats you badly. And if his mother says 'but you are good for my son', well then say 'am i? am i really because it looks like to me hes doing drugs, smoking, drinking, doing illegal dealings and on top of that he lies to me...how is that GOOD?' And i must remind you, that doesnt mean your bad for him. Im sure your great, you deffintly seem like it to me. I think it would be best for you to leave, in my opinion. And then, if he gets his act together, if he overcomes his adictions, his lying, his manipulation, illegal dealings then maybe, maybe then you would like to consider re starting the relationship. Yet i wouldnt say that to him, because he needs ot change for himself, not for anyone else. Ok I hope this helped and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): You may not be a religious person and he may not be either, but I think that he needs to find God. This may just be your sign that its not meant to be. You being with him may be good for him but is it good for you? There comes a point when you have to be selfish. I've always felt that if two people are truly in love, they will do anything for the other persons happiness. And if that means being truthful then he will take the steps needed to make you happy. If not then I think you know what you need to do to be happy.
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