A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I've written here before, but I'm afraid I just can't get past it. I (20 years old) have been with my boyfriend (22 years old) for a little over nine months now. Everything is going fine, though we're both very busy holding down full-time jobs and going to school fill-time as well. We hardly get to see each other it seems like. We've gotten into a few minor conflicts due to lack of communication, but nothing that hasn't been solved with a simple conversation about it all. In other words - we're very happy living together and having each other for support and love.My problem is, a few months before we got together, he had just gotten out of a relationship of three years (on and off). In the start of our relationship, I heard a lot about this girl along with the one he lost his virginity to (they dated for about 4 months). I've been in one serious relationship before this one. It lasted a year and a half, and I lived with the guy for about a year, though we had broken up some five or so months before he officially moved out. I've never been truly "intimate" with anyone before my current boyfriend. I actually lost my virginity to him only a month after we started dating. He was in love with me for a few months before that, however, and having come out of living with a guy a few months before that, I rejected him quite a few times. I wasn't at all ready for anything serious again.I was never in love with my ex. At the time I thought I was, at least, for a little while. But as soon as I realized that I wasn't I ended it. He was devastated, but we both moved on. The thing that I can't move past is: My current boyfriend was with his ex on and off for three years pretty much. They fought constantly and she cheated on his several times. But all the while he kept taking her back.When we got together I heard endless stories about this girl and how she had wronged him. He hasn't had one nice thing to say about her, and to me, that felt good. He always mentioned how I didn't flip out over issues that she would have. And how I'm much more compatible with him than she ever was. But I can't stop thinking about her and their relationship. He told me that he never truly loved her, looking back on it. I asked him: If you didn't truly love her, then why did you continuously take her back, time after time, even after she had emotionally and mentally abused you on multiple occasions? He said that she had torn down his self-esteem and made him feel like she was the best he would get. He also said that, if he was honest, it was because of the sex.Now, seeing as I haven't really done much outside out our relationship, this makes me very insecure. She must have been really good in bed for him to put up with her malicious ways for so long. In the meantime, he's correcting me on some of the form I've taken, letting me know when I'm not doing something to his liking. It makes me feel horrible, and I wonder how in the world his ex must have been with him. I wonder: Does he think about her when I'm doing anything with him? Is that what pulls him through my lack of skill or experience? I hate feeling this way. I've heard so much about her, and I've seen photos of her (snooping through her MySpace and Facebook). She's pretty attractive. I'll go out on a limb to make myself feel better and say that I feel I'm more attractive than she is, but still, I feel like: How can I compete?This girl is nothing to be concerned with at this point with my boyfriend. She's just had a child at 18 and is engaged to the father (who happens to be one of the guys she cheated on my boyfriend with). She's dropped out of high school and I've heard has no plans for college.I've never seen this girl in real life, let along met her. And yet here I sit - judging her. Trying to find any comfort in her flaws that I possibly can. I just can't let go of the fact that she had my boyfriend before me. I can't let go of the fact that she hurt him over and over and he allowed it. I asked him: If I ever cheated on you, would you give me another chance? He said no. I asked him why, and he said that it's because he knows I'm better than that. Why would he have settled for anything less than the best beforehand? I just don't get it. How could he have stayed with someone like her for so long, and put up with all of her bullshit, just to turn around and fall for someone like me? We seem like polar opposites.I imagine everything from the start of their relationship to the end, and it drives me nuts. He's stopped talking about her and bringing her up randomly due to me telling him that it makes me uncomfortable, but the thought of her still continues to eat away at me. What can I do to stop these obsessive thoughts? I've done nearly all the Google searching I can on the subject, but nothing seems to help. I just feel that if I continue this, it will drive him away completely..
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cheated on my boyfriend, engaged, facebook, his ex, insecure, lost my virginity, moved out, my ex, myspace Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Honey, cut yourself (and him) some slack! First, remember he is with YOU not her and not anyone else. Men do not stay with women they don't want to be with, especially if they think they're bad in bed. Next time you're in bed, tell him to tell you what he likes (in a sexy, seductive tone) then keep doing what he likes. This way he's able to get what he wants, and you're able to get what you want (good comments!). I doubt he's thinking about his ex while he's with you, or any other girl - Men are generally very caught up in the moment.
As far as the concern about why he wouldn't take you back if you cheated, its probably because he learned from this psycho ex that no good comes from it, just more pain in the end. Be happy he learned from this, it means he's not an idiot!
And, they always say opposites attract - I think that means you balance each other well.
Don't stress about the ex - they're an ex for a reason. If he was really obsessed with her and/or didn't care about you then he wouldn't have stopped bringing her up when you asked. From everything you've said, I think you got a good guy there, maybe just one who needs to be taught how to communicate differently in bed.
Hope you feel better!
A
female
reader, dmw  +, writes (27 October 2009):
 men like women when in abusive relationships of any type feel isolate and alone. at the time he would of felt like if he left her he wouldn't have anything, and after such a long time together he was more than likely scared of being lonely. her presence good or bad would have at least been a presence
while in bed constructive criticism is good it may not make u feel very good at the time but im sure hes not saying it to hurt you
as for the talking about his ex ... i have this also even after 2 years of being together
if you think they spent 3 years of their lives together and that's 3 years of memories good or bad and unlike women men don't think before they talk
if he wanted to be with her and was thinking about her all the time he would be with her and not you
keep your chin up he's with you and not her
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