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age
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writes: Well, it's two months since my ex g/f 'dumped me' (not very nicely), about 7 weeks since we last spoke/communicated, and about a month since I last contacted her (by letter).She's been in my thoughts every day since, but I've steered clear of contacting her again, and have been FORCING myself to move on. Yesterday, I went on a date - which was nice, but it didn't feel ... right. This morning I sent her a text just to say "Hello, hope you're okay". To be honest, I did it mainly in the hope that she would NOT reply (at least not politely), which would help me with closure, as I'm sick of feeling this loss. But she responded soon after to say, "Nice to hear from you. I'm busy but all's well. Hope things are ok with you too :-)" I feel a bit daft now. Breaking NC hasn't really set me back from 'healing' though, as I'm not reading ANYTHING into her reply. I'd like to keep up contact, but with NO pressure for reconciliation (which I'm not ready for yet anyway). I would wait YEARS for this woman, if that's what it takes. In the meantime, I do want to get on with my life and stop pining for her.Does that make any sense? Head and heart in conflict like that? Any advice/suggestion...?(I know what I would say: "forget her and move on")
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): To DR ( poster of the question) Thank you for coming back, so nice to get some positive feedback. Yes, I know what you mean by being bored with the pain and intensity, oh yes! But when someone hits you like ten truck hurtling towards you at a 100mph, it takes some time to get back up, as you well know.
You sound as though you're doing great actually, even IF you don't feel that right now - and it's nice to hear that you don't hide your feelings, trust me, this will stand in you in good stead for the future and with the healing process.
Not relevant I know, but the person with whom I had a very similar feeling for, would even go as far as saying the love of my life, also was on the rebound, well just out of a very mess divorce, and he fought to keep his two young children, which he has 24/7, so YES I know as you say, your ex-girlfriend was on the rebound from something painful too.
Human beings eh..we're a complex lot ;-) The Christmas card is a nice thought..and very emotionally mature!
Please keep me posted if anything should change, or if you want to update me.
Take care.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind reply, Jilly.
I'm pretty sure she was just being civil by replying, and reconciliation is not an option. But that's okay at the moment. My main concern is getting on with my life, and letting her do the same.
I've not hidden my feelings (at least to myself), and I'm starting to get bored by them now, if that makes sense. But the thoughts/pain persist... It's very unsual for me, as I've never felt such as sense of loss over a breakup before. But, then again, I never felt such a sense of certainty about anyone before - and I've certainly not lived the life of a monk!
As for dating, yeah it's not the right time to do anything serious. I wouldn't do to someone else what has probably been done to me (there were strong signs that she was just on the rebound only a few months into our relationship (we were together for ~17 months))
I may send back a brief "Glad it's all going well" text this weekend, and leave it at that for a few more weeks. Perhaps send a Christmas card.
DR
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Sorry to hear about your break-up...I experienced something similar about two years ago, so recognise a lot of what you feel, and I'm a counsellor, and even us counsellors are human and feel very vulnerable sometimes by our own emotions.
Ok, two months is such a small amount of time to expect NOT to feel this empty void, loss, thinking about her often through out the day - gosh, you were in a relationship with this person, and although you don't say for how long, time itself is NOT the indicator of how long it takes to get over someone, or the depth they felt. It depends on many factors, how sensitive you are, how quickly you allowed that person in, under your skin, your experiences together..so please don't feel bad you are NOT ready for a full on relationship or even dating seriously yet.
Give yourself time, meaning ALLOW yourself to feel the emotions of the break-up, don't try to bury them, if you do they have a way of sneaking up on us at a later date, when perhaps we do meet someone we want to explore a relationship with - that is how we store emotional baggage, by not dealing with it, not facing the fact, it is painful, we can't avoid ever being hurt, it is part of life and loving someone, it happens, and we must accept that.
And don't let people try to push you into moving forward so quickly that you deny what you felt, remember, our emotions are what makes us different to any other life form, it's what makes us human, remove them, then we become clinical.
As for the text, well don't beat yourself up too much, yes you've broken the no contact rules, but again this is human, and you've learnt that she too is still relatively warm towards, as she could have easily ignored you or sent a text to say 'DON'T contact me again' It doesn't mean she wants to reconcile, just that she's perhaps open to being on civil terms once things calm down.
I don't want to build any hopes - and I'm trying to remain impartial, but you know people do break-up and after a few months realize it wasn't the right thing to do, and somehow find their way back to each other. SEVEN weeks is very early days in a break-up, and over the next few weeks, IF you can stay away from her ( contact I mean ) It will give HER and you the time to really think about if you miss each other and want to talk - But please don't suggest that, just let things settle.
In this time do things that make you feel good, make sure you keep yourself fit and healthy, open, warm and friendly to people, and only go on dates if your really want to, don't FORCE yourself, as not only isn't this fair on you, but it's NOT fair on the female as she may genuinely like you, when you know emotionally you are NOT ready or available 100% yet. Don't compromise someone else's feelings to help yourself - if you're not ready, say, and suggest a drink on a friend basis, that way, neither you nor the female will be under any illusion.
Give yourself a few more weeks yet ( sorry, feelings take time to heal, just as open wounds do) and do the best you can with your days..
Take care,
Jilly
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