A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyoneI've been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 21 month old child together. My partner has always been very loving and caring. However, from the second year, I started to emotionally drain him - I would say nasty things and he would trigger me (never been like that in a relationship before). It got to the point where he broke up with me in June 2017 and told me that if I did not change then he could not be in the relationship - he moved to a rented property but told me that there's potentiallty a future for us if I get the help I need. I ended up with several bouts of going into hospital and was diagnosed with BPD and I have since been on medication and having access to therapy. We decided to start "dating" again, living separate allowing me to start my therapy journey. We agreed that we would sell the house in the future and buy a bigger, more spacious home. I have made great strides with my condition and cut the name calling and manipulation out completely; I can handle my emotions more. However, my partner still accused me to being mean to him and he would blame me for eveything. Since I had episodes of feeling anxious and tired he resumed the majority of the child care and that combined with a full-time job was tiring for him. I struggled with our child but helped out in every way possible with the resources I had. Two months ago my partner started asking if we could move in together - he was looking at specific houses and was still claiming to relatives that we were engaged. He even spoke of marriage. I told him that it was too soon and I hadn't worked on myself fully yet. Over the past month we started spending time together and things go fraught, I felt like he was overly negative and kept calling himself a failure. He would blame nearly everything on me and work me up so much that I would have a melt down (he knew my triggers were abandonment). He would leave and then 'save' me once I was in a mess. Just this friday, his parents came to visit and he asked me to spendtime with them; I did for one of the days but had some free time on the Friday. We had a minor argument and I went home. I hardly heard from him the next day and I had a really bad feeling that he was going to break up with me - I asked him but he just said he was spending time on what could be done to help the relationship (whilst his family were there). However, when I phoned him later that evening after he'd ignored my texts he was very cold; he told me he didnt want to speak to me and only wanted to be with his family. Then hung up and ignored my texts. I was triggered massivley and ended up in hospital. He still ignored my calls. Finally, I got through at 12am and he told me I was a wonderful person and he wants the realtionship to work. He told me he loved me.I woke up the next day with an uneasy feeling so I memssaged and said I thought he was going to break up with me when I picked our son up. He called me and told me he wanted us to separate because even though we love each other we didn;t work anymore. He said the only thing stopping him ending it was the fact he couldn't bring himself to say the words. He said it wasn;t a case of him wanting to be in the realtionship, he just couldn't. He looked completely calm and fine. Later, when he picked our son up I aksed him whether he thought there was never a chance and he said he wasn't thinking about the future right now, he just knows hes unhappy and feels like he did 6 months ago. I was distraught and he drove off to his parents for 5 days with my son. I ended up in hospital again.Since then he has been plain nasty - being cold and blunt and I've asked him for closure and clarity because to me it ended before we realised 'our plan' he told me it was just too painful or exhausting and he didn't want to try anymore - he cant be in the relationship. I'm beside myself. He's cut all contact with me bar updates on our son and has done things that he knows triggers me, constantly. He told me he cares but his actions do not add up.Im so sad that part of me is still in denial and believes there is a future with certain criteria. I just dont know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018): I think this is pretty simple. He wants his son; but he doesn't want you. He is going back and forth; because he's trying to avoid being forced to pay child-support. He's avoiding any financial-responsibility for you; but keeps you confused about whether you'll live together or not. First you will, then you won't.
He seems to be trying to push you over the edge to enable himself to get full-custody of his son. Your record of a series of hospitalizations due to mental-breakdowns gives him a very compelling legal-case.
I suggest you avoid enter-twining your finances and credit. Unmarried couples try to do all the things married-people do; but the legal outcome isn't the same. He can ruin your credit if he doesn't pay the mortgage.
Another concerning factor is bringing children into unstable tumultuous relationships; only to pass-on dysfunction and psychological-discord to the child. Neither of you have compatible personalities. Always accusing the other of being mean to the other. You both seem delusional of the type of relationship you have.
He is playing psychological-games to mess you up. Stop believing him about marriage. Seek legal advice. Keep your credit clear of co-signers and remain completely committed to your therapy. Stop bringing up marriage and dismiss it when he brings it up. Resign yourself to believe you will be a single-parent.
Marriage may not work between you two. You can't get along now, you surely won't change overnight.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018): He will not give you the closure that you need .. he does not want to .. he is still controlling you and you don't see it ..
Where are your mum and dad ... as you need some unconditional love and support. My advice would be.. stop asking qs.. tell him okay you agree with him totally 100 percent that you will be spending time with your family for a while with the baby
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018): I never had him down as a narcissist, it seems as though he's heavily controlled by his parents. All I want him to do is state outright that he is no longer in love with me but all I got was a vague text. When I continued to ask he said he'd aready answered all the questions I already asked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2018): Oo sweetie .. you are in love with naraccist.. he uses triggers to make you feel weak .. he confuses and changes as the wind blows and emotionally you start clinging more to him .. to what he once was.. once for him to keep pulling the rug when he pleases .
If I could hug you I would .. where your parents in all this ?
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