A
female
age
30-35,
*liz
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. He's 20 and I am almost 19. In the beginning of our relationship, we got physical quickly and I loved it. After a couple months it died down, due on his part, and nothing ever happened except maybe once every couple months (like making out). Over the summer we had sex (my first time) and for the rest of summer, our intimacy levels were awesome. As college started again things died down on his part, which i figured was due to stress. There have been numerous times where he says no I don't want to have sex and he just watches tv, which is all we do when not busy with school.He never wants to have sex any more, only one small peck on the lips per day. I am so sexually frustrated. He's not open about sex. I once said that he seems like he only does it for his pleasure and he didn't deny it. Whenever I try to bring up my issues regarding our sex life, he gets mad and says I don't want to talk about this with you right now, and it's never brought up again. He doesn't fool around because we both like it, just so he can get off. I try to direct him in my area so I can orgasm as well, but after about 20 seconds he says he's tired and leaves to shower. He's never gone down on me (though he wants, almost expects me to go down on him, which i do cause he likes it) because he claims he doesn't like it (he used to do I with his ex). I don't ask for it, but the offer would be appreciated.I also tried doing the girl on top position, but I don't like it. I'm into sex, I get into the moment, but I just can't feel anything like that.I try to say we should try new positions to make things hotter, but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it then. It's like when I want sex, he never wants it, but when he wants sex, he better get it. And it will have been such a while since we last did it so I give in cause I want it. What could be going on? We go to the same school and see each other all the time so I know that he's not going anywhere else. Is there anything I can do?
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his ex, orgasm, says he's tired, sex life, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Well Aliz, only you can decide what is best for you. But your situation will basically continue the same, which is being used as his oral sex provider while he will rarely be willing to take care of your desires. Actually, I once had such a setup myself, or at least similar. It was almost 40 years ago, living with a girl whom I had taught how to give me fantastic blow jobs pretty much on a daily basis. However, I did also give her orgasms on occasion. It was just so easy to feed her my daily load without having to do much, until she finally went with another guy.
A
female
reader, Aliz +, writes (8 December 2009):
Aliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for you thoughts, I really appreciate them. I understand that he may not be interested, but it sucks to think about it...but it sucks even more that I can't talk to him when I need to. I really don't want to leave cause I've done so much and given him a lot, it seems like all of that would be a waste if I just left. It sucks how things don't turn out like we planned. He's a nice guy, but he thinks I'll be happy if he buys me things, which he does often, but doesn't realize all I want is him. I'm not materialistic like he is. Anyway, thanks again to all the thoughts and I welcome anymore if given =)
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (8 December 2009):
This sounds like a very one-sided relationship, and you are getting the short end of it. The anonymous female responder articulated well, and "Illithid" rightfully noted that, "You can't change a person if he doesn't want to change." That is a truth that I've expressed on these pages many times. So either proceed with the situation as it is, or begin looking elsewhere. Such is my opinion.
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A
male
reader, jim0007 +, writes (8 December 2009):
Hi If talking to him an giving he a chance to learn about your needs as a woman, then you must let him go! Life is short! Making love is the most beautiful rewarding thing God has given us! It works both ways each of you should be open about what you want to explore an enjoy, most of all total fullfillment an pleasure for both of you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Well I don't know him personally so I feel hesitant saying this but I don't like the way this guy sounds. A relationship is supposed to be for the benefit of both of you and it sounds like he gets exactly what he wants all the time and you have to just deal with it.
Frankly I'm surprised that he has such a low sex drive b/c that's somewhat uncommon for a guy. I think you should re-consider your relationship, or at least think about the situation.
So far it seems like: He doesn't care about your pleasure at all, he doesn't care about your needs, he isn't willing to communicate with you (which in my experience is the basis of every relationship) and he seems to just ignore any problems you have.
It's unfair of him to sexually starve you and insist that any intimacy in your relationship only take place when it's convenient for him.
If you are looking to simply make the best out of the relationship you have now you could try to see if you can do anything to get him in the mood when you want to have sex. But to be honest your relationship sounds like it's not working. I think that if he's not willing to talk to you about anything then things probably won't get better any time soon. You can't have a relationship where you don't talk about the problems you're having.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Hon, as much as I'd LOVE to say, "Do this or that and he'll come around," it wouldn't be true. Other than talking to him, laying out honestly how you feel and what you would like and how important things are to you. Be honest, but gentile, and let him know how he's making you feel. Either he'll realize how he's hurting you, or he won't.
I had a girlfriend of three years that I was trying to get something from for virtually the entire time. She expected me to go down, but she wouldn't give back. She expected me to do all of the effort, and I went home with blueballs. We talked about it, at length, many times. That's just how she is.
Talk to him, but know that the choice very realistically may come down to either leaving him, or living with things as they are. You can't change a person if he doesn't want to change.
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