A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i have temporary nervous system damage that has left me bedbound and unable to walk. my husband carries me to the bathroom and back and helps take care of all my basic needs. he only gets out a few times a week when my mom watches me and our four year old son. we still have sex but he doesn't kiss me or show affection otherwise and when i ask him for a kiss he does it begrudgingly or says he doesn't feel like it. i've tried talking with him about it and got nowhere, i asked him why he doesn't feel like kissing me and he basically said he has nothing to give and gets angry if i push it any further. i'm afraid my physical needs have drained him to the point where he doesn't have anything to give emotionally. this is so painful because not only am i so sick but i have to go it emotionally alone. what is everyone's opinion here??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Your poor husband sounds very over burdened..can you help provide him with some relief? I am sure any little help you can get for him will make him grateful and love you even more. He obviously loves you very much and shows it by taking such good care for you. Men are not natural caregivers like women, they are fixers. He is probably very frustrated that there is nothing he can do to fix this situation. Love him and help him like he is you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Firstly im sorry to hear your unwell and i hope as you say it is only temporary.
Im a palliative care nurse(end of life care) and what you've described with your husband is quite common, we call it carer breakdown. Im not sure how it works in the states, but in the UK we have systems in place to provided rest-bite for carers, people to come in for a few hours each day, or 3 times a day to help with care, or maybe on a weekend to give carers, like your husband some 'me' time or time with your son. I know healthcare isnt free in the states but id imagine there are agency's who will provide this at a cost. Maybe your insurance will cover it?
Its not uncommon for people who care for there spouse to stop seeing them as a partner in a relationship and instead see them as a patient. Its nothing you've done but younger adults who haven't experienced ill health before can struggle with the emotional weight the responsibility brings. He may resent you for it and at the same time be ashamed and horrified that he is having those thoughts, does he have anybody to talk to about what he is feeling?
My advise to you would be bring in some help and give your husband time to see you as his wife again. I nursed a patient in a similar situation to yours, she got her mum to cook her husbands favourite meal they ate it on a date in the bedroom whilst her mum looked after the kids. Maybe little things like this will help you to get back on track.
All the best my love x
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