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*sisayers82
writes: I am seriously considering breaking my engagement with my fiance.For those of you interested there are a few background posts on the OW thread.But the issue right now is that I am fed up with overlooking everything he does. I'm tired of pretending that I agree with everything he says and does, and I have felt powerless. For the duration of our relationship he has been very controlling, and I have allowed it because I didn't want to have to break-up with him. I mean I can't even wear my hair how I want because he has an opinion on that. I'm African-American with natural hair, and he discourages me from getting my hair pressed or coloring it because in his words "straight hair is white girl hair." This coming from a white guy. Maybe the hair thing isn't that major, but there are numerous other examples. Five examples of him being manipulative are listed below.me:1. I can't get a tattoo (not that I want one) because then he would have to rethink the kind of person he was in a relationship with.2. We can't have a pet because a pet is a deal-breaker in his opinion.3. I can't go to the grocery store on my own without him commenting about how I must have won the lottery. He likes for us to shop together so that he can pay for everything.4. I can't wash dishes anymore because "it's seems like it's easier for him to do it," and "I use too much water." I can admit that I am a bit of a clutz, but I'd only broken 2 things in a 1 year time period; and I replaced both things.5. 6 weeks ago I had to get an abortion because he wasn't ready for kids. He's 38. When we first got engaged he told me that he wanted children. Hell, we even picked out names, but when we accidentally got pregnant he didn't want the baby. Anything other than abortion was simply not up for discussion. This guy did his best to show me how displeased with me he would have been had I chosen to keep the baby.And, he wouldn't even consider the idea of adoption. When I broached the topic of adoption he got this stricken look upon his face like he was going to be ill. He told me again, and again that I didn't have the right to make him a father without his consent because then he'd be responsible too. We had a lot of heated arguments about this, but eventually I caved in and did what he felt was best. Now I regret my decision, and I resent him so much. I feel like a total idiot, and every time I see him around kids I want to scream at him. I totally plan on working on my apparent need for approval because I know that he couldn't hold this kind of power over me if I didn't allow it.6. When I wanted to discuss birth control after the abortion he suggested that we abstain from sex. The rationale behind his suggestion was that that any sex could result in an unwanted pregnancy, and we already knew that I couldn't be trusted to make the right decision (i.e. have another abortion) Therefore, since he wasn't about to have a vasectomy the only other choices I have are to get an IUD, or forgo sex with him. I had been on birth control for over a year when I got pregnant. Since the abortion, he also seems to think that I am pro-life. I have always been pro-choice, but because I thought about keeping the baby when I was pregnant he now considers me to be a pro-lifer. Apparently, pro-choice doesn't include the right to choose to carry a pregnancy to term.He's also very clingy. Every time we go somewhere, we have to hold hands. I don't know if it's a sign of ownership to him, or what; but if I don't want to hold his hand he gets upset and acts hurt.I also think that he cheated on me last year because one of his condoms went missing last spring, and this was after I had gone on birth control.I went on birth control for him because he didn't like to wear condoms. The first time we had unprotected sex b/f birth control he told me that all of his condoms had expired, later on when I checked I found out that he had been lying because he didn't want to wear condoms. I know that I could have, but I chose not to make a big deal about the lie.. When the condom went missing last spring I didn't say a word about that either.I feel like I have been acting like a contortionist, bending myself every which way just to keep this relationship going. I'm not dumb, although, you probably won't agree based on what I've written here. I consider myself to have been a fool for love, and now I just want it to be over.I want to be free. I want my life back. So how does one break off a 2 year, live-in relationship?Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.P.S. if you comment please don't be too harsh on me about the abortion stuff. I already feel horrible about it, and I'm dealing with as much stress as I care to deal with right now.
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abortion, cheated on me, condom, engaged, fiance, period, tattoo, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Seriously, you have to leave this guy. Why should one person be in control in a relationship so much that the other actually notices? personality quirks are one thing, but trying to be the general or commander of your life is totally different! He's using your kindness to his own advantage and your falling for the age old women dependency that this man needs me! Get out of this, and find someone who cares about you, not just themselves and their petty little selfish life! He doesn't love you, he loves his life and doesn't want it to change! Leave the scumbag, before he has too much control over you!! Seriously babe, you deserve better!! x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): You have already answered your own question of course you have to leave him. He is way too controlling. I am glad that you are looking for somewhere else to live. Good luck and take time to start loving and finding yourself.
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female
reader, candy00s  +, writes (27 May 2007):
 This man is controlling you - get out now whilst you can.
If he is like this before you marry think how much worse he is going to be if and when you do marry him.
Get out.
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reader, Isisayers82 +, writes (27 May 2007):
Isisayers82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I am taking positive steps to leave this relationship. In fact, looking for a new place to live right now.
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male
reader, DV1  +, writes (27 May 2007):
 He's controlling and not willing to give you space. I'm going to spare the long route, and just tell you that you should leave him. You deserve better.
DV1
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female
reader, vixy +, writes (27 May 2007):
ok, are you happy with the man? it seems to me he's controlling you.all those things you said. you seem to be unhappy. he's lied, he's controlling. you got pregnant and he says he didn't want a child and then the only way for you to get rid of it was to have an abortion for which he looks horrorifed. If i was you I would of broken up with him. but it's your so it's your choice. you may find a better man who loves you for you.
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