A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:about 4 months ago i started talking to a councilor via online as i was always feeling depresed, my boyfriend of 3years recently found out and for some reason and banned me from talking to the councilor, he said that he was upset that i would talk to a councilor and not turn to him instead, the problem is that i really liked talking to the councilor as they are very understanding and they helped me gain alot of self confidence back into myself, in the past i did tell my boyfriend about my depression and their has been a number of times that he was mad me feel bad about having depression and he said that i was mental and needed help and that i was a drama queen, he has always bullyed me about the hole thing and thats why i talked to someone else,i really want to continue talking with the councilor but im worried my bf will get mad at me, im not sure what to do,should i try talk to my boyfriend or should i disobey him and continue seeking advice and guidance from a councilor?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks bev for the advice, i did take alook at some of the websites and yes i have noticed alot of things listed on these sites have happened in this relationship. i am 19 and he is 26, the reason i worry if i should continue talking to the councilor when my boyfriend does not want me to is because i went into my boyfriends personal email becuase i had a gut instinct telling me something was not right and well i was right he was having an inapropriate relationship with nother women, i confronted him about this and he got mad at me,i felt bad about looking in his emails but i did say sorry and prmised not to do it again but im scared if i continue talking to the councilor when my bf told me not to anymore he will get mad at me again and leave me.i do beleave you are correct when saying that he does not want me talking to anyone else because it might expose that he is controling but my councilor did recognise this and she is often asking why i stay with him as he is may not be the cause of the depression but he is fueling it and making it worse, the problem is i dont want to leave him because there is another side and that side is when we are happy together and thats the side i dont want to let go of. its just i feel so hurt at the moment from the things he says, like the other day it was my birthday and instead of it being a happy day i ended up crying and him telling me im a mental, we tried talking, he asked why i was so depressed and why find it hard to talk to people aboutmy feelings, i explained it to him and he was mad at me because he felt they werent good enough reason to be depressed and started going on about his past and problems and how they are much worse then mine.i feel like he treats my feelings like they are nothing. i have had depresion in the past but it was never this bad, i feel very confused about the relationship and often feel like moving out just so i dont have to listen to him any more. i dont know what to do.
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reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (25 January 2006):
 First things first: your boyfriend doesn't own you, and he can't "ban" you from doing anything. Got that? If you want to talk to a counsellor, you can do that whether he likes it or not. He can go and soak his head if he doesn't, and you can tell him I said so.
Second thing: Doesn't it strike you as strange that, when you complained of your depressions, he told you that you were "mental and need to talk to someone", but when you actually did, he tried to prevent it? He can't have it both ways!
To me, you're no drama queen. You feel unwell (depression) and you're trying to take steps to remedy the bad feelings. That's the same as having a sore leg, and going to the doctor to see what treatment is available. It's not drama.
Your boyfriend is showing some classic signs of a control freak, and he might be preying on your poor self-esteem and depression, in order to make you completely dependant on him. The whole issue of him "banning" you from anything sounds like a very large Red Flag to me. You're an adult, aren't you? You can make your own choices about these matters, and he has no right to try to prevent you.
If your BF is trying to make you feel guilty about talking to someone about your depression, it's more than a little worrying. What you describe -- forbidding you from talking to someone, saying you should only ever have to talk about problems to him, then telling you you're crazy when you try to -- is a serious control issue at best, bordering on domestic abuse.
What it comes down to is that your BF doesn't like you talking to anyone else, because it first, makes him not the centre of your entire universe, and second, might expose his control of you to someone who'd try to protect you from it. He instinctively knows this, so he tries to make you feel guilty or bad for relying on anyone but him. It's very sad, and very common.
Please look at some of the domestic abuse sites around the Internet and check some of the warning signs. I think you'll be surprised at the ways that they fit your situation. There are loads of good sites to give you advice. Here's just one, but it's very good:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
Once you have an idea what you're dealing with, and when you see that your situation is all too common, you can take steps to extricate yourself from this very unhealthy relationship, so you'll be free to do things to feel better about yourself and find someone who doesn't need to belittle (or hurt) you to feel good about himself.
Please have a look and save yourself some pain for the future.
Take care!
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