A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 1 years now, I love him so much and i can see he loves me too. we plan to get marry this year december. But I can't stop thinking about his ex girlfriend. This thinking drives me crazy!His ex's were very pretty and smart. She is the only girlfriend he dated before I met him. He dated her for 2years and they lived together about 6 months. they were engaged also. after they broke up my boyfriend didn't dating with anyone almost 6 years.I really not sure he really get over herand I worry if he compare about me and her.. I hate thinking of him being intimate with her but can't stop thinking about it and compare myself.I can't live without him. I love him soooo much but in a way I feel it would be easier for me if we werent together. then I can stop thinking about how much it hurts me. but it's not what I want.. I want be with him forever... But it's keep hurting me and drives me crazy.Help me to get over it..
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 February 2011):
 I'm someone who's suffered from the same thing you are. I still do in some ways. But I'm not going to compare the two instances because my reasons for being insecure with my partner's ex are vastly different from yours.
I can, however, share my experience with my ex. We were seventeen, and we were together for a year and a half and we lived together for a year. I was in long-distance with him for nine months of our relationship. I gave up a lot of time and friendships just so that I could be available to talk to him. Within the first couple months, we were talking about marriage, kids, the whole lot. We said "I love you" within the fist few days of speaking on the phone (we met on MySpace). We had our arguments and almost broke up a couple times. But I convinced myself that it was love and we could make it work. I moved across the country to be with him. I gave up a scholarship, friends, family, everything.
Once I moved up to where he was (and where I am now), things fizzled out quickly. The first few months were filled with good times. Decorating our new place. Going grocery shopping. Looking for small pets. Things that "grown up couples" do. He still talked to me about proposing and we talked about getting a house together. After about four months things began to go downhill. I wasn't happy with him anymore and became very depressed. I asked him for a break for a couple months. He agreed, but he hated it. He cried at least three times a week saying that he loved me more than anything and that he couldn't see his life without me. After about four months of a break, we broke up officially. Due to our lease agreement, we had to live together for another four months or so. The same thing happened where he would cry in front of me and beg for me back, but I couldn't back down.
He finally moved out and back into his parents' place. The day after he moved out he asked me over to that neighborhood and he took me on a walk. He took me to the same place we went to right after I moved up there to be with him. He then sat me down on a bench and cried in front of me again, saying that he couldn't go on without me. He also told me about how he was planning on proposing to me. I said nothing and left. We've spoken a few times since then, but friendship doesn't even exist between us now.
I know that this story makes me sound like a terrible person, but our relationship wasn't what a healthy relationship should have been. I left a lot of details out about our day-to-day life that not a lot of people could experience and know the feeling of. We weren't happy, even though we tried to convince ourselves we were. The point I'm trying to make here is: this was my first serious relationship. I was seventeen and didn't know what love was. We were serious, and we DID think we were in love. I'm not going to lie and say that I was never "in love" with this guy. But things changed and I grew out of the relationship. He kept trying to make it work and claimed that he loved me even through all the hurt he had been through. I was the one who completely let go when things ended. Do I think about him anymore? Sure. But nothing about wanting him back. I got into another relationship six months later, and now I'm engaged to him. We've been together for two years now. He's the love of my life and we've taken everything my ex and I did to the next level. Do I compare things we do to things I did with my ex? Sure I do. But again, it's more about knowing that THIS is the real thing.
Does my ex think about me? I'm sure. Does he miss me? Probably not. He's probably grown up a lot and realized that our relationship wasn't worth any of the turmoil we put ourselves through. Does he compare me to his new girlfriends? Maybe. Although he probably looks for warning signs more than anything else. He knows to be more careful about the decisions he makes regarding what steps he takes with a woman.
Your fiance was single for six years. That's quite a while. It probably wasn't due to the fact that he wasn't over her, it was probably because he knew what he was looking for in a woman but didn't find a girl that possessed those qualities. That is, until he met you. After going through a breakup, some people just want to be single for a while to focus on themselves and learn to love themselves before they can learn to love someone else. This process varies in length of time for some people.
If you're really worried about it and insecure about it, talk to your partner. I've done this numerous times, and it does help to ease the mind a little. Jealousy is also due to your own insecurities (I know from experience). Maybe work on building up your self-confidence. Take up a hobby or get a gym membership. Create NEW memories with your partner that prove to be much more than anything he could have ever remembered with her. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be, believe me. And after six years, you can rest assured that you're not a rebound. He loves you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't give that up. His ex won't go away just because you leave him. Like I said, it's YOUR insecurity. It will take form in another relationship if not this one. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy your love.
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (8 February 2011):
Why are you thinking about her in the first place and comparing? By the sounds of it, you're driving yourself away from him for what seems to be trivial.So many people get hung about about their partner's exes (when they're out of the picture) and it causes friction unecessarily.The fact is (from what you tell us) he's not with us any more, he's with YOU now and engaged to YOU.You have a choice to make - keep thinking about his ex and let it ruin your relationship, or get on with what you've got - the past is the past
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