A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I am married, 14 years to a man I have known since I am a child. Since having children, there have been many times I have felt he had been unfaithful through the years. I have never had proof - (to me would be seeing him with a woman, or having a picture of him with someone else) - and I have never had the time to actually find proof - taking care of the kids, managing a home, working. We had therapy several years ago, and he told the therapist that he would not change the way he was and that he could not be more affectionate, and that was the way it was going to be. Since leaving therapy, the position he stated to therapist was one he had lived up to for the next 8 years. I learned to live without a daily kiss, or a hug, without him making plans for us to do something fun, something alone, no hand holding, and let's say sex once a week. I learned to live this way. I blamed myself for him not wanting to be affectionate. I was overweight, and honestly - did not see an overweight person in the mirror. I would see a curvy beautiful woman, and I was going day to day taking care of everyone, including him, around me. I have since lost 65 pounds, and almost at goal, all in one year. Several months ago, I was diagnosed with an hpv lesion in my mouth. This was shocking to me, and being someone who was faithful, in love with her husband, it came to a shock. After learning, more than I ever thought I would ever know about hpv, I know that it can surface within a twenty year period. I know that I had one other partner, orally, once. This was 16 years ago. I have read in many places that hpv lesions usually show themselves within a three month to 20 month period. Then the body will rid itself of the virus - in a healthy person. My husband and I didn't engage in oral sex until 3 years ago, for numerous reasons, on both of our parts. (figuratively- the parts). This has dumbfounded both of us, as far as me having this virus. Recently, my friend, someone I know pretty well, that has met my husband many times, and has met his mother several times, said she saw him at a mall about 20-30 minutes from here. She thought he was with his mom at first, then realized it was someone else, older than me, but younger than his mom. She said she was two people behind them in line and that he had his arm around her. That is what made her realize it wasn't his mom. Her heart was beating so hard, that she didn't know what to do. She wanted to speak to him, but she didn't know how to act. When she told me, she was matter of fact about it, asking me if I knew he was at the mall. I was in complete shock. When I asked my husband about the situation = which now in hindsight was a stupid idea - he cried and swore on his sister's grave that it wasn't him. He even accused my friend of possibly having a crush on me! I have tried to move on, and tried to believe it was not him, for my sake, and for my children's sake, until I see it with my own two eyes. I can't afford an investigator, and I have looked at his phone records, there are many numbers on there - some traceable - some not - and I do not have the money to check those out either, for many of them are cell numbers. I am at a loss. He promised me to be more affectionate, after the initial hpv diagnosis and my first accusations of how could I have a sexually transmitted disease - and he has been more affectionate with me. I am not asking for perfection, just acknowledgement of my presence, my feelings, and the wish to be held or kissed once a day. I believe I love him, or he would not be here in my home at this time. I found many internet sites also that were not acceptable to me- telling him this will not continue. I do not know what to do, as I feel like I would like to have the truth, that I may never get it, and that I feel I am waiting to catch him red-handed. There is no way I could write down everything, that has been weird these past few years- in our relationship. I do not know what to do, and I wanted to know if there was anyone else with a similar situation that could help me. I appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies- I do appreciate them both. We must share the hpv as we have had relations together and with that virus, it is transmitted sexually. I probably had the lesion for some time not years, but we had relations before and after the discovery of the lesion.
AS far as trying to change a man, this man is someone who wooed me, and was very affectionate for quite some time, is this the way it is supposed to be? I have poured my heart and soul into being a wife that takes good care of everyone, children, and husband. I do not think I have asked anyone to change, I have just asked for some affection on a consistent basis. I wish I could ask my friend to follow my husband, she likes to take pictures too. Her husband was with her, the day at the mall. He was very very upset with her for telling me. He has met my husband on a few short occasions. All of this is really driving me crazy, and I wish I could just get the video surveillance from the mall, but do not know how to go about doing such. I just want it to be over already if this is how it is going to be. I have been living day at a time, and pretending like I am over all this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Get him tested and find out if he also shares the disease.I find it strange that he should cry over your accusation. Sounds like he's experiencing some guilt.If your friend is a good friend, I'd trust her. His reaction is fishy and your having a sexually transmitted disease, all the while being faithful, is odd to say the least.Since you can't afford to investigate and are extremely busy what with working and having a home to care for, perhaps the next time he is going somewhere drop off your kids at your friends and follow. Who knows, maybe even your friend would be up to following him with a camera in tow. Ask, you never know.Good luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Number one mistake never try and change a man, us women dont like it, neither do they
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