A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 44 years old man married for 10 years with 2 small adopted girls. I am a complete family man, however 5 years back I seriously fell in love with another woman. She was married too with no children. She was ready to break her marriage but I was not. We fell apart and the last 3 years have not been in touch either. The problem is I am not able to forget her. I have been into many relationships before being married and I know this woman was perfect for me. I do not need any advice on how easy it is to stray away from marriage, etc, etc, etc, and what I should do. I have tried it all and I need advice on if I will be able to get her out of my mind without knocking my brains off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): I think that you may have let guilt and responsibility be the reasons you chose to stay in your marriage. I believe you were in love with this woman and we both knew you'd have some haters responding to your question. I bet that you did feel bad about what you were doing to your wife and children. I bet you also felt guilty about keeping the affair going when you knew it was hurting the other woman. If you were getting advice from any kind of church source, you would have been reminded of what the morally right thing to do was. You would be reminded of your responsibilities to your family and that this woman had a commitment she needed to deal with. In a nutshell, you chose what you could live with. Obviously, doing what's right is what you wanted to do.
When you breakup with someone your in love with, it can feel like a death has taken place. In your case, it might be the only way for you to look at it. If you don't put your past relationship to a merciful rest, you'll miss out on any happiness you can find in the life you chose. I don't know how your woman friend feels but, if I had to let go of someone I loved, when I didn't want to, and found out that my sacrafice meant nothing, I'd feel worse than I did when we broke up.
I don't know if it helps, but when you miss her, look at your children. Remind yourself of what you do have. You didn't mention how you feel about your wife, but I bet you probably love her more than you realize. If you really are unhappy, think about divorce. I can tell you that your not doing your children any favors by staying in a loveless marriage (if that's the case). If you truly are unhappy, the morally right thing to do is, let your wife and yourself find someone to truly love and who will truly love you. Sometimes the only moral compass you need isn't found in church or a therapists office, sometimes it's found in your heart. You sound like a decent man, trust yourself to know what's right for you. God knows your heart. In the end, we only really have to answer to God and ourselves.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (11 September 2008):
 "i hurt her and i hurt myself"
Uh,,what about hurting your wife?
I don't want to judge, but how can you have done the "right" thing by staying with your wife? You do not love her anymore.
You say your ethics are real, but obviously you didn't have a problem cheating on your wife. You don't even feel guilty about it.
My question is no where in your questions do you seem a little bit concerned about your wife's feelings. You cared that you hurt your mistress, and yourself, but you are in denial of the pain you caused your family.
I guess your thinking is "what they don't know won't hurt them".
You proabably weren't having your emotional needs met, and this woman fullfilled it. Honestly, i don't think it's this particular women. If another women came along that fullfilled your sexual and emotional needs, you would get over your old lover and think constantly about your new lover.
I think you and your wife should go into counseling to work on your marraige to rebuilt the love and fire that you once had for each other. Try everything you can to save your marraige.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): PS: Everytime you think about this woman, I want you to shout out "PINK ELEPHANTS", for at least a day... Then the next day I want you to try to think about anything other than "PINK ELEPHANTS" and come back and tell us how you get on...
What I'm trying to say, if you decide to stay with your wife, retraining your mind to think of other things may just work....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): Maybe trying to forget her is making things worse. It's a well known psychological kink that we have in our brains. The more we try to forget something, say "pink elephants" the more we remember it. Why not try to go away for a week, take some time off to be by yourself. Think about her as much as you want to, remember how she looked, talked and thought.. remember everything, miss her, and miss what she meant to you.
Then come back home. With a strong vow, to wish her well, wish her happiness, and wish her a good marriage. Kind of like your own little brereavement party. No more wondering, no more what ifs. Go away and say goodbye properly to a woman who is no longer in your life.
This might help, but who knows it might make things worse... You could also try writing down a list of all the things you love about your wife, and your happy with in your life, and write a list of things you did not like about this woman. If you can't find any bad things to say about this "perfect" woman, than we are not dealing with reality, we are looking at fantasy and obsession and you are not in love with her at all...
Just a couple of ideas, they may work, or they may not. But you can't go on driving yourself crazy this way. You might as well tell your wife about the affair, try to find the other woman, and go and spend your life with her. This half way house is not fair to anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks (sappygirl and DiovanLestat) for your response. I agree that I will never forget her and I will not regret my choice. That is splitting me apart. I tried to forget her a lot, even moving away from the town did not help. I knew her very well for those 2 years. I agree nobody is perfect. But if you are in love you accept the faults, not otherwise. My close buddy who doubles as a counselor with the Church tried to help me a lot. I am just lost. Our feelings were very real, but so also my ethics and I thought I did the right mature thing to leave her. I know I hurt her, and I Hurt myself.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (11 September 2008):
Sometimes we want what we can't have.
This woman is the fantasy life that you imagined it to be in your head. But in reality, if you were to be married to her, all those fantasy would be out the window. And then you'll probably spend days thinking about why you left your wife and missing her.
Basically, you've been with the same women for 10 years now, and you are bored. She doesn't excited you anymore.
The responsibility of being a father and husband is bringing you down. You need that excitement again. That thing that makes you feel like a desirable man, and in your mind..This women did it for you.
However, i agree with DiovanLestat, You had your chance,
you made up your mind. And now you have to live with it.
Do you think if you find her, she'll be there waiting for you? That's you guys are perfect for each other?
If it was so great and perfect..you would have left your wife 5 years ago, before the kids came and lived with her.
You cannot go back into the past. Instead I say look into the future. Personally, not be sound harsh, but if you don't love your wife anymore, you need to let her go.
She deserves someone who will love her and be there for her through good times and bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Hi,
Your problem is hard, and after 5years, (3years) apart, I can understand you have tried everything to forget her, and mere platitudes and useless words will not do for you.
So here are the facts, the facts as you have told us...
1) You were married for 10 years, you have had two adopted children, so I must assume you and your wife were unable to have children together.
2) You fell in love with another woman. You thought (and still think) that she is your "perfect woman".
3) You love your family, you are a family man, and this is the most important thing in your life.
4) Your perfect woman was married with children, but she loved you so much, she was willing to leave her husband and make a new life with you.
5) You know your feelings, you have had relationships, but this time it's different, you love this woman, probably more than you love your wife.
6) You had a choice, you could have left and you and your "perfect" married woman, could have made a new life together and been in love...
YOU MADE A CHOICE.. you decided to stay with your wife and family. She was willing to throw hers away, just to be with you. YOUR DECISION HAS BEEN MADE. No matter how you feel, you had a choice and you made it. No you will probably never forget her, you will probably never regret the choice that you have made. But it was your choice, no pressure, no force, you did what you wanted to do.
You call her "perfect", but there are no perfect people, she has faults, hangups, issues and insecurities just like you. You have made her into some type of fantasy woman, you have never lived with her, you don't know if she gets moody, or jealous, if she treats her children right, if she gets angry over little things. To tell the truth you have fallen in love with an image. Not a real woman, with responsibilities, children and PMT and spots every month. Affairs are about living a fantasy life, you don't have to fight over bills and who should wash out the bath.
If you loved her enough, if she was right for you, then you would have left your wife and run off with her. But you didn't, being a family man was more important than love. To her, being in love, was more important than keeping together a family. She's "perfect" for you, but how can she be that. On this very important issue, family,loyalty and honour, you choose family, and she would have chosen a fickle emotion called "love"....
You've made the right decision for you. Don't forget her, remember the fantasy and the good times. If you had run off with her, you would never have felt comfortable and you wouldn't have been able to forgive yourself. Try to do your best, enjoy the choices that you have made. We fall in love with many people, but family, loyalty and kids, well these things endure a lifetime, and can withstand many pains.
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