A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In my mind, I'm already cheating on my husband. I daydream about this other man constantly and I cannot help it. I try not to think about him, but then my mind starts piecing together these ridiculous stories involving the two of us. From things as innocuous as us bumping into one another in the hallway and what we'd say to each other, to full blown fantasies.It's to the point where I'm unable to be passionate when I'm intimate with my husband, unless the lights are dim and I can close my eyes and pretend he's this other man. I'm kissing my husband, but in my mind I'm kissing this other man.The ridiculous thing is that there's probably no chance of me ever really cheating on my husband. I'm crazy about this man, but I've no real indicators that he feels the same way about me, and we act only as friends together. He doesn't know that on the inside I'm burning with desire for him.Is cheating on my husband mentally and emotionally just as bad as actually physically cheating on him? I feel guilty but I don't know what I can do to stop these thoughts.
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female
reader, eagle eyes +, writes (24 March 2010):
I was doing what you are doing right now (except mine was a celebrity I would never meet…lol) !!! You are doing it because you are not fulfilled in your marriage. You are fine….and you will be ok. I understand feeling guilty, because it is emotional cheating.
There will only be a “slippery slope” if you allow it. To those that judge, please understand that when the emotional needs are not met… we are created to seek it out. The focus really needs to be on the relationship at home with your husband, but it takes two to be in a relationship!!!! In the same way that we are wrong to emotionally stray… so are the husbands.
Both parties must make a continued and sustained effort to keep the marriage happy. Talk with your husband short simple conversations to start. Smile a lot, you can’t imagine the power of a smile. Everyday do your part, he needs your support as he goes through a rough time. He needs you to be his ray of sunlight, make him want to come home.
Keep your fantasies don’t fight them. As you work on your marriage and it gets better the fantasies will diminish on their own!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): I've been doing the similar thing except with me the man I dream about does not exist. I made him up. I feel guilty as well I keep thinking I am cheating but he does not even exist. I'd say think about how you would feel if he did the same. Would you be angry with him and accuse him of cheating? I don't know. That's one way I stop thinking about the other guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009):
Is it bad? Yes, regardless of what many will say on here, the fantasy is not harmless. The way the mind works, it will soon breed dissatisfaction in your current relationship and then the next thing you know, you are involved with some "harmless" flirting with some guy. Before long, the conversations with this guy become the kind where this guy tells you all the things your husband use to tell you and no longer does... The slope is steep and slippery
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I understand how you feel, i'm in a similar spot myself at the moment.
I'm enjoying my work flirtation and using it as a nice distraction and an ego boost, but i'm not prepared to take it any further cos of our partners.
You're right of course, you only see him at his best at the moment.
He may be the same or even worse if he was in your husbands shoes.
Your relationship is your priority, and your co worker is a bit of fun to brighten up your day. THATS ALL!
Don't over romanticise this guy at work. He's married x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses everyone, I know I'm being ridiculous, but I'm not sure what to do. Feelings and thoughts are much harder to control than actions.
The "other man" in my thoughts is a coworker who I click with on a very strong level. We have similar personalities and have a lot in common that we chat about. However we're both married so in spite of my feelings, I keep myself distant and we're only friends.
Things with my husband haven't been great for quite some time. He's a good man, but so much of the happiness in our relationship seems to have just evaporated. He's under a lot of stress because of his job, and because of this stress he's almost never happy, and because he's almost never happy, he never wants to do anything together anymore.
On top of the lack of doing things together, the stress is bringing out an ugly side of him that I had never seen before. He's sometimes judgemental, rude, and even downright mean. He's never mean to me, but it doesn't make me happy seeing how he acts to other people around him. He's also so quick to temper now, sometimes I feel like I'm on eggshells when I'm around him because every little annoyance causes him to react like it's something catastrophic.
I used to want to go home at the end of the day, but now I find myself wanting to spend as little time as possible with my husband. With him, everything is a downer, he's always depressed or upset or annoyed. My coworker on the other hand is like a ray of sunshine for me. He's always smiling and laughing when we're chatting together, and we have real conversations together, whereas with my husband it's mainly just sitting in silence on the couch with maybe an occasional word passed between the two of us.
I'm sure that I only get to see a small sliver of the whole person that is my coworker, and I'm sure he has his times when he is depressed and down too, but with my husband the depression has been nearly constant for well over a year now. It's hard to not be attracted to, and to not desire my coworker who is, at the moment, the brightest spot in my day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): every one does this (dreaming about other partners)atleast from a time to time
you dont have to feel guilty
because it is not cheating darling
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Yes, emotional cheating is cheating. Stop having a relationship with this man where ever he is, be cordial but keep your distance.
Women who cheat are usually lacking something inside themselves. Find something to be passionate about in life, find your purpose and then go after it. Turn your attention to your husband and your marriage and work on making that relationship better both inside and outside the bedroom. Having your eyes closed with the lights dim while having sex with your husband does not count.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Yes. It in many cases be more harmful than NOT physically doing it. There is the same emotional and mental anguish if you had. It is called an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR by today's terminology. Do [lease try to turn the faucet in your mind off. You HAVE a MAN, who you admittedly kiss still in your marriage. That's the marital fantasy, still having passion with your husband. Get these images OUT of your head before you program yourself to act with different behaviors that will damage your true relationship. TRUST ME!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): You have to tell yourself to grow up.
You have to tell yourself that you are with your husband for a reason. You loved him, he loved you, you became a loving couple.
The fantasies must end. You are trying to escape your present reality for whatever reason. Explore this. What does the fantasy man bring to your life that your husband lacks. Speak with your husband about this attribute that is very important to you that you would like him to incorporate into his way of being with you.
Tell yourself that whenever you think of this other dude that it is a fantasy that may wreck your life if you let it go to fulfillment. It is as though you have received your credit card bill and the amount you owe is excessive. You cannot spend more even though your limit is higher. You must stop spending and pay it out to avoid future catastrophe.
Last but not least this site has too many scenarios of people like you that did cheat and the consequences that that wrought to their lives. It is reason that gives you pause when contemplating a fling.
Take care. Stoop and think. Be chaste to your husband and family.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (15 December 2009):
these thoughts will go away in the end so i'd stop thinking about that and think about why you don't have the same level of passion for your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Well to be honest I think it's bad...but not as bad as physically cheating b/c physically cheating is something you can choose to do. Cheating emotionally and mentally is something you have less control over. But at the same time if you are this enthralled with someone other than your husband then you either need to try and re-commit yourself to your husband and try to work on your relationship...or you need to consider a divorce. I know that's a lot all at once but if you your attraction for your husband is so bad that you can't make love with him and enjoy it unless you're fantasizing over someone else then maybe he isn't right for you...granted don't make your entire decision on my advice (I'm a 21 year old guy). But definitely think about it. I frankly think that this is more indicative of your relationship with your relationship with your husband than of this other man.
That's just my 2 cents, take it or leave it
Either way good luck
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