A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Some background--In 2002, I began a relationship with the women I am 'kind of with' at the moment. In 2000 I had parted from someone that I had been with for 18 years.I met current person I am supposedly with, at my home town, which I left in 1980, I have lived in London ever since. I knew this women back then, when she was teenager, she used to follow my band and go out with my younger brother.20 years later I was invited to her sisters 40th birthday, where we met again and starting seeing each other, she would come up to London to see me.During this time I was invited to the christening of mutual friend of my ex and I. My ex and I had arranged to go at different times, but the ex turned up at the same time. She was on anti depressents for personal problems, not me) and drinking, so she was volatile. She tried to attack me in the street in front of my new partner. So not a good start.Following this my new partner didn't want me to have contact with my ex anymore, but I saw this as harsh and continued having contact. This caused a lot of problems, that seemed to ease over time.Some time later, my partner had to go into hospital for a serious operation, I would visit daily. When she left hospital she had to rest for up to 6 weeks, I wasn't the best of nurses during this time.Shortly after she recieved a call a 'cry of help' from her 19 year old son (2004)who was still in the home town. Without consulting me she moved him into our 1 bed flat for an initial period of 6 weeks to 'sort himself out'fair enough but this turned into 2 years. He would do nothing but watch TV and 'smoke' they are both heavy smokers. As I work from home this drove me mad, eventually leading to me sorting him out a flat next door, he took the flat but didn't move in, as it didn't have a TV? he would sleep there but spend the days in our flat. When I found out that he incurred huge debts, I kicked him out into the other flat, my partner went with him. Not what I had wanted. Since then the relationship has been on tender hooks. Around New Year I decided I had tried my utmost to pull it back together and called it a day. A situation then arose, I had the chance to go to India with friends, one of which was my previous ex, so I decided to go and booked my flights. Around this time my current ex, was very emotional, crying a lot, not about me going away, she didn't know at that point, but just depressed about life. I sat with her on numerous occasions and gave her money, she was still paying off her son's debt as well as the rent and other things. I told her I was going away with friends, inc. my previous ex and that I was thinking of moving flat. Over the following weeks, she got a bad migraine, bad enough so that she collapsed in A and E. I nursed her through this time and we got close again. But the ex partner senario raised its ugly head again and this time 10x worse. She was blaming her for everything that had gone wrong with the relationship, sending abusive texts and making abusive calls. This came out of the blue for me and totally threw me. One evening when I was talking to one of my friends about the trip, she attacked me, fists flying and spat in my face. I still went on the trip, but the day I went I recieved a spate of texts, trying to stop me from going, to the point of threatening suicide. I recieved texts whilst I was in India, revealing that she had gone through my e-mails and had binned a treasured birthday present she had bought me.I had plenty of time to think in India and upon my return I decided that as I still loved this women, I would make a the sacrifice of severing my friendship with previous ex and I would help her with her debts.Having done this I am recieving very little return from her, seeing her maybe 2-3 times a week for a few hours at a time. she say's she wants to take it slowly, that all trust in me had gone and it needs rebuilding. My take is, that if we want to do this then let's get on with on it. She is living with her son and his mate in a small 1 bed flat. I feel, like a mug, angry with myself, frustrated and hurt. Sorry this is so long but I thought a bit of perspective on this mess would give a clearer picture. Can you give me some advice here???ThankyouA
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 March 2007):
 Hi
I think when you feel like you are trying to make things better they always become worse? I know that, I think what u need to do is to give her time you are both willing to make things work but its just not on your terms if the pace that you are going its working for her I think its good you might push her only to find that she ends up pretending things are fine just to give you what you wants and after a while you find yourselves back to square one or if not that you loose her.
At the same time your partner also need to draw the line I am not saying she must not be there for her son but there is a way of doing things; her son is not a baby anymore he is 19yrs old that makes him a man which means she cant choose to live with him over you it doesn’t make mature sense to me, she need to let him take responsibility of his actions and learn to stand on his two feet how can she stand-up for a man who just sit and watch TV all day? If he wants a TV in his flat he must go and get himself a job so that he can have his own TV.
I think you also need to stop interfering in your other ex’s life I know you maybe feeling a bit responsible for her misfortune and wants to help but her partner doesn’t appreciate that and I think if I were the partner I will feel the same way. So leave her alone if she need your help let them both come to you, because the more you will focus on her your current partner will not be happy with that which means your situation will never improve. Focus on your life and try to make things right with yourself first. Learn to set some priorities and stop feeling sorry for these people learn to let go. You will see the more you let go of the ex, the more it will be easy for your partner to trust you again. I don’t think she likes to see her son with his mate together while she goes to a cold bed every night. Take things slow as she asked before you know it she will be back. Good luck.
Jovial
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