A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm just speaking from the heart. I cannot stand my life anymore, my life is passing me by, it's breaking my heart, and I am at my breaking point. This morning, I broke down and started sobbing hysterically. The sad thing is that this isn't unusual for me. I go through this EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.Has anyone else reached their breaking point? Is there anyone out there who's been at their breaking point, and then something brought them back? I used to have a strong faith in God, and that is all I have left, other than my cat, but I am THIS close to losing my faith. I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD, and I am being treated for it. The meds I take are really helping. I know that I don't sound like I'm mentally okay, but no one reading this saw me BEFORE I was medicated. I am seeing things with clarity, thinking and speaking more rationally, and a million times more functional. Since being medicated, I'm only breaking down sobbing once a day. Before I was medicated, I was having mental breakdowns on a daily basis, running down the street in my underwear screaming, flying into a rage at total strangers, and it wasn't my fault. If you have a mental health condition, it's NOT your fault, and you're NOT a bad person, and you DESERVE love, support, and care. It's just that the medication is fixing the medical side of my depression. I am clinically depressed because my brain doesn't make seratonin like it's supposed to, and the SSRI that I take has stabilized me. However, I'm also realizing that part of my depression is SITUATIONAL. I have no idea how to deal with that, and it's terrifying.My heart is breaking because my dreams are dying. Many of us believe there's a life after this one, but it won't be the same, and this is the only life on THIS Earth, and THIS body, that we are ever going to get! And, the dreams I had for my life are dying. I prayed to God to send me a beautiful husband to love, who would love and cherish me and see me as the most precious thing in the world. I know I'll be judged for saying this, but I LOVE animals, and I LOVE horses. I dreamed of becoming a skilled rider and having a beautiful horse of my own one day. I have real horse experience, and caring for horses has made me love them and want one even more, but I feel like my dream of learning to ride one and having one is out of reach. I know I sound entitled and immature, but I love horses and life without them feels empty. I have a passion for music and art. I dreamed of being a musician and an artist. I feel things deeply, I'm a passionate person, and when there's no conduit, nothing to pour my heart into, I burn with passion, restless and tortured.My heart is breaking because my one precious life is passing me by- the only life I will EVER have in this body, on this Earth. I want to live my life, to dream, to love, but I'm not doing that. Every single day feels like I'm serving a prison sentence. I'm at my emotional breaking point, I'm sick and tired of breaking down sobbing EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING., I'm sick of going to bed alone every night, and I'm sick of this life of broken dreams. I'm still fighting, but I'm fighting alone, and it's breaking me. I continue to fight for my cat, my only physical companion. I don't care who thinks it's "just a cat," I love her so much that I'd literally give my life for her. If she were trapped inside a burning building, I'd run inside to save her without a moment's hesitation, and I'd worry about the consequences later. I'd give my left arm for her. I'd give both arms for her. I just live in the moment with her, because I don't want to miss the moment, but I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I had my faith in God, but I'm THIS close to losing my faith. I prayed for God to send me a beautiful husband, and I prayed to God to prepare me to be a wife. Then when I realized God didn't have a husband for me, I prayed to God to take away my longing- YES, LONGING- for a husband, but that desire just keeps getting stronger every day. I burn with passion. I have a higher sexual drive than most rabbits (sorry if that's TMI). Sometimes, I get so sexually frustrated that I break down and cry. I have learned that a big aspect of sexual frustration comes from unmet emotional needs, not just a lack of sex. For example, one reason I'm so frustrated is because not just because I crave sex, but also because of loneliness and passion. Your girl's a good singer, and your girl's a good guitar player. For some reason, people assume that I suck without ever hearing me play, but that's just ignorant and unfair. I mean, I'm not Stevie Ray Vaughan, even though I honestly WISH I were, but people just assume I suck until they hear me. Am I any good? I sure hope so. I wish people would give me a chance. My friends have said I'm an incredible guitar player, and I WIN karaoke contests. I'm not deluded, but it pisses me off when people just assume I suck when they've never even heard me. I suppose it's because I'm a woman, but I don't really care what strangers think. Hypothetically speaking, if I had the opportunity to be in a band, or choir, it would make me smile again. I would be sad about not having a husband, but it would assuage my loneliness and fulfill my need for passion. I am stuck in a career that my heart's not in (no one has a passion for teaching), and my job monopolizes my entire day. I start at the break of dawn, and get off at ten at night, and it's literally too late to do anything. I get a small window of free time, because it's a split shift, but I can't decompress because in the late afternoon, I have to scramble to get a classroom ready for another shift. During that interval of time where I'm not even getting paid, they expect me to be on call because they often bombard me with work outside my scheduled hours. Like, the how the hell am I supposed to work out? Or read a book? I'm not smart, but I LOVE to read. I derive so much solace from the magic of a storybook. Interesting things happen to the people in the books I read, and I would totally be friends with the people in the books I read, because none of them are annoying. Or even eat a meal? Or play my guitar and my violin? Or make art? Am I supposed to feel guilty that I don't want to spend every waking second working?? I never get alone time, which I crave as an introvert, but the work hours keep me isolated, and I am perpetually lonely. I feel so unfulfilled. It breaks my heart that my beautiful musical talent goes to waste every day. I would LOVE to be in a band, and I SHOULD be in a band, but that's off the table. If I could have bandmates, or be in a choir, I wouldn't be so LONELY, I'd have people to share music with, the music that I love so much. But that's out the window. I have no idea how I'm supposed to even have normal friendships, because it's literally ten at night when I get off work. The whole point of having a job is to have a better life, but my working hours are robbing me of a life. We weren't born to just work our lives away, endure our lives until we die. Why did God give me talent and then destine me to throw it away? If God doesn't have a husband for me, I can accept that, but I'm sick of just enduring an unfulfilling life, and it's breaking me. I want a life of dreams. Why did God put dreams in my heart, if he doesn't mean for me to have these things? He's blessed others with marriage. Did God bring me in the world just to HURT? I prayed to God to send me a beautiful husband, but that's not in the cards, and I'm so disappointed. I'm incredibly frustrated sexually. But, if I had my other needs met, it would be fine. If I had passion in my life, it would be fine. If I had companionship and affirmation, it would be fine. My needs would be met. But they're not. Like, if I could play in a band or sing in a choir, I would have passion in my life, and I wouldn't be so LONELY. But my working hours keep me isolated, and I never get to prioritize what's important to me. I know boomers are going to accuse me of being a whiny millennial, but the feminist movement is what f***ed my generation over. The whole American, Protestant "work yourself into an early grave or else you don't deserve to live" is toxic, and people get hurt because of it, yet I feel lost in a world full of people who judge me for standing against it because apparently, we're all contractually obligated to mindlessly defer to the status quo? My relationship with God is on the rocks, but even I hold the conviction that idolatry is wrong, and it saddens me that I live in a country where I'm forced to sacrifice my dreams, talents, health, on the altar of the high and mighty money gods. I don't even get paid enough to get the things I want or to make my dreams come true, but my work consumes my life. I know that we live in a broken world, but if there's no hope of bringing God's plan to fruition, why did God bring me into the world? Just to HURT? I feel so unfulfilled. I don't understand why God gave me a loving heart, a heart that longs to share life with another, and then sentences me to singleness. I don't understand why God gave me the desire for marriage and sentenced me to singleness. I don't understand why God gave me a talent and passion for music and art, and then sentence me to a career my heart's not in and ruins my dreams? I am a highly sensitive introvert, but I get lonely, and I need companionship, just like every other human on Earth. But I am desperately lonely. I can't even have a church family. If know that, as an unmarried young professional, they would see my naked ring finger and turn me away.I don't want to die. God it's ANYTHING but that. I am here, fighting, clawing my way back to mental stability every day. I just wish that I could run away to a land of dreams. I wish that someone would come and take away to another world, or that I could just run away to another one. I wish I could at least go live in another country. Or at least go back to Texas. I feel like I don't belong, and like I was meant for a better world than this one. If I found out that one existed, and I could go there, then I would have found my heart's desire. This is not an invitation for dates (I'm NOT emotionally available), nor am I a damsel in distress. Don't even think that for a second. I just wonder if there's anyone else out there who got pushed so far past their breaking point that they were THIS close to losing their faith in God? If so, what brought you back? Did you make it back?I know that I sound like a dramatic, complaining millennial, but the truth is that I'm a compassionate, loving person who has just been pushed to my breaking point. My heart hurts for everyone who's feeling lost and has no one to reach out to. I know that I'm going to be called annoying, dramatic, and a selfish millennial, and I will no doubt be JUDGED for saying that I would like a husband (because apparently, the fact that I'm a woman who would like a companion to share my life with and the fact that I have sexual needs makes me the scum of the Earth), but if SOMEONE out there feels less alone after reading this, then I'm willing to take the fall, because we SHOULD normalize having feelings and needs. Makes sense, considering that we were created to do that! I'm not smart, but I wear glasses and I read WAAAAAY too much, I'm brave and courageous, I'm loving, I have musical gifts, and I feel lost because I sometimes feel that this world wasn't made for hearts like mine, and I know that I was meant for more than enduring a life of painfully existential desperation? I have done all the "right" things, but I feel so betrayed by God. My heart is breaking for the real me, for the young girl I once was, the young girl who dared to dream, the young girl who unabashedly asked God and asked the Universe like it was her birthday. I feel lost in the world, and I've lost the real me. So, just speaking from the heart... I am THIS close to being 100% DONE with God! I had a strong Christian faith for so many years, but having my prayers ignored for so long has pushed me past my breaking point. I am THIS close to saying screw everything else, booking a flight back to Spain (I studied abroad there and life is a million times better), just finding a band to play in there, and finding a hot Spanish guy to sleep with. I am at odds with the way the United States operates, and even though I'm incredibly homesick for Texas, I would give anything I have to live in some other country. Can anyone else relate? Has anyone else ever been where I am, in the abyss, and somehow managed to come back? If you've managed to read this, and comment without saying something mean, then thank you, you are the MAN (even if you are a woman), and I am so grateful for your kindness.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2024): God helps those who helps themselves. He is not father christmas to a grown child. Your life is what you make of it. If you moan all of the time or wait for others to come to you or expect terrific well paid jobs to just fall in your lap then of course you will be unhappy and forever waiting for things that will never happen. I know people who had terrible, abusive childhoods and rose above it and made something of themselves. Some are now rich. I know others who blame everyone else and their past for their empty life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2024): Instead of asking God to GRANT you things, ask what you can GIVE Him, what you can do with the gifts he granted you (musical ability, love for animals, intelligence...). I realize it'd be a pay cut, but maybe start looking at a job in customer service/retail, maybe as an office person or salesclerk or receiving clerk. Many of your skills gained through teaching (working with entitled and needy people of all ages and all walks of life, organization skills, ability to problem solve outside the box, ability to explain things...) could cross over. Once you clock out of your shift even a 3-11pm shift), your work is done till you clock back in. Your mornings would be free to work out (you can do that at home using your own body weight or things around the house and YouTube videos), maybe find a nearby horse farm to volunteer at (to get to know and be around horses again), maybe find a good church with a good music ministry. It doesn't have to be your original denomination bc you could be Independent Baptist or Roman Catholic or Progressive Episcopalian for all it matters. That's probably the most important part, developing your spiritual life. But it can't be done in a vacuum, you need a community. Maybe then everything else will fall into place.
Wishing you the best
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