A
female
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anonymous
writes:I feel all alone. I feel like I have NO ONE to talk to or to depend on, hence me on this web site, seeking for help. If I felt I had people in my life who cared enough to listen I would be going to them. But I dont have that. Ever since I broke up with my bf Ive felt very very alone. Me and my mum have been fighting non stop, so home is a horrible place to be (im 18 years old by the way). Since my relationship with my ex bf i have become less close to friends, to the point that some of them basicaly dont talk to me anymore. Sometimes I feel like im being used. I have alot of friends who I am always there for! If they need a sholder to cry on, im there, even the night before a big university exam...thats happened several times. I put my life on hold for them ebcause i care. but they never do anything like that for me. they make it out to be a big deal to listen to me when they get home from wokr because they have had a long and hard day. i feel as if no one really cares about me.and when i try talking to them they will listen to me for about 30 mins mayeb, if im lucky then they get distracted andstuff and basicaly tell me to get over my problems.i just want someone to depend on. someone who will listen to me cry and be there to just hug me and hold me while i cry. thats all i want. i dont expect them to solve my problems for me. what hurts most is when i was going through an abusive relationship with my ex, my "best friend" listened to me for about 30 mins then started talking about her bf and how she has a tiny probelm with him. she has an amazing bf! and i slitened to her go on about him for literaly 3 hours, despite myself in tears and fear of seeing my bf for being hurt. why dont ih ave close relationships with anyone? it seems everyone else has them with other people....why not with me? how can i find someone to be be a caring and loving friend? i feel lost in this world with no one...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, cooperD  +, writes (21 September 2007):
feeling alone young woman. this here is a young man who feels the exact way you feel except the opposite sex. my friends appreciate me in no way. i care about absolutly everyone and i have no idea why. contact me for male troubles and maybe i'll contact you about female troubles
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionArriella - thanks for the advice about talking to yourself, asking yourself what you wuld say to a frined who had the same problem etc...good idea :)
A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):
I guess it is possible that maybe when I try to be assertive that it comes out as aggressive. Your examples make sense :) thanks for the help! Ill come backand read this when im faced with a situation that needs me to be assertive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Hi, it's me again. You're very welcome for the last post and I'm sorry you still feel a bit lost, but let's not give up yet! :) Ok, perhaps where you're going wrong is you're becoming passive-aggressive ... which is exactly what tends to happen.Picture a volcano: simmering, simmering, simmering -- then BANG - explosion.Now, in your case, you might not explode but chances are that what does come out isn't assertion, but aggression. Aggression doesn't necessarily mean nasty or cruel, it just means you're saying what you need to say, but not quite correctly.Example: Aggressive: "Sorry Jane, I just don't have time to talk right now - I've got my own problems!"Assertive: "Sorry Jane, I can't talk at the moment - I have a lot study to do. I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts but if you can give me a call on Thursday, I'll have time to listen to you properly then." Does that help at all? It IS a fine line and you can still be there for your friends, but it's just about being there in the right way and being able to communicate in the right way.AND you can request people be there for you in an assertive way too!Example:Aggressive: "Jane, you never listen to me! All I want is some of your time without you yabbering on about your problems!"Assertive: "Jane, I know you've got problems too and I will definitely be there for you to talk about them, but I really need to get this off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode. Can we just go back to my problem for a moment because you're a good friend and I'd love your help and advice." Does that help any? Do let me know if not! I'll keep checking back to this post. M.
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female
reader, Arriella  +, writes (5 September 2007):
 Yes the other answer about trying to be more assertive is correct, so i wil not go on about that. You and i are the same,i have issues coming out of my ears and when i try and talk i either am given advice which i never asked for, or they start to talk about their own. We are more sensitive i think than we need to be. It may sound strange but maybe you should have a good chat with yourself...I bet you give good and sound advice to all your friends, so try and think if this senario belonged to someone else and it were you giving them advice, what would you tell them to do? After all we only really listen to what we want to hear and you cant argue with your own advice...try it , it really works.You can chat with me anytime chuck.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007), for all your advice. I appreciate the time you took to write that :)Although I know all of what you said is true, and that I should do that, but its just when I do try to be assertive people often tend to put me down. So that discourages me from being assertive. And I end up feeling like im a selfish and cruel person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): There's 2 important skills you need to develop:1. Learning how to place people2. Being 'good' selfish (i.e. assertive)What does this mean? Well:1. I used to have a friend that, whenever she met a guy, I would come last. Whatever plans we had would dissolve whenever her new bloke would ring her. And every time it happened, I'd get upset! Until one day another mate told me that I had to learn to place this girl and what she meant was that I had to learn to stop expecting her to be the person I wanted her to be (a reliable friend) and realise that when a new guy came into her life, she would go off on a tangent. That way, when it happened, I was expecting it and wasn't putting so much of my energy into that friendship at that time.What you need to do is realise that people are selfish... but that's not necessarily a bad thing... you actually need to learn this too:2) There's a difference between aggressive, assertive and passive. * Aggressive is saying what you want to say, regardless of the feelings of others.* Passive is not saying what you want to say because you're thinking too much about the feelings of others and not at all about your own needs. * Assertive is saying what you need to say whilst still considering the feelings of others (i.e. you meeting your needs while taking others into account).At the moment, you're in a passive state --- you give and give, not taking your own needs into account. Your friends are actually a little more assertive -- they're giving you time, but taking their needs into account too. Children will always push to see how far they can go on a certain issue... you tell a child 'don't touch' and they'll try and try to touch whatever they're not meant to - just to test you to see how much they can get away with with you. Adults do the same!! Friends are just as guilty -- they figure out that with you, no matter what, they can come to you and you'll be there for them - regardless if you're whole world is falling down ... and they take advantage of it because it's human nature to do that -- we all take what we can get if we think we can get away with it. It doesn't mean they're bad people, they're just normal human beings.What you have to do is change your behaviour from being passive to being assertive. That way your friends aren't taking advantage of you! They'll learn they can't dump all over you whenever they want AND they'll build up more respect for you so that when need them, they'll become more receptive!You've got to learn to be able to say "listen, I'm really sorry that's happened to you and I can talk for 1/2 an hour, but I have an exam tomorrow so I have to get back to my study." Start by knowing that AT THE MOMENT your friends will take what they can (that's 'placing' them), then start doing little things to become more assertive - which is being a good version of 'selfish'. For example, if someone rings you to talk, say "listen I can't talk as I'm just heading out... tomorrow at 10am would be better if you want to call me then." You don't have to actually be going anywhere, but it's good practice!! Your friends and family won't, as is probably your worst fear, decide that you're completely evil and nasty if you're not running after their every beck and call! You'll actually end up with better, more balanced relationships this way -- ones that include your needs too!Hope this helps some! Good luck.
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