A
female
age
30-35,
*elpishereandnear
writes:Dear Cupid,My husband and I have an 18 month old little boy who at the moment has really start to test what he can and can't do. I am a stay at home mother and have been since the day our son was born. I have been studying a degree part time with open university in the evenings since he was born and have decided to send him to nursery this year so that I can get it done quickly and become a teacher sooner. My husband has never really understood how hard I work. I have always appreciated the fact that we are lucky to have him going to work everyday so that we can afford to live etc. He always makes comments to suggest that he feels I get off easy and that I don't really do anything. Usually he moans when I ask him for help (on his day off) because 'he works all week'. This always leads to arguments because It's not like I'm doing nothing. Our child gets my full attention in the day, my husband's dinner is always on the table when he gets home, the house is always clean and I always sit and play with our child in the day. I am so tired of hearing that I should be doing everything in the house including his days off. I don't ever get a 'day off'. Even when I'm ill he expects me to get up and get on with it, where-as if he is ill, he would spend the day in bed. Recently, I have been revising for an exam I have to do to get my place secured in university (conditional offer) and because I'm so tired in the evenings I can't concentrate so have resorted to asking family to watch our son once a fortnight. This morning he told me I could get up with our son (even though he didn't need to leave for work until 11am) because I didn't have to look after him all day.. even though the main point of today was so I wasn't too tired to revise for my exams. He keeps making sly comments like 'If It wasn't for me, you wouldn't be able to afford to go to university' and acting like I'm winging it and taking the easy option. He is my husband, he is supposed to be the one to support me, yet I feel no support. When I told him I got a place at university he didn't get excited at all. I'm doing this so I can afford to pay our bills and we can comfortable with money. I don't know how else to explain to him how hard I am working at the moment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): This is a VERY classic scenario that a great many women face when trying to educate themselves. I've endured this three times - first, with my husband (who, by the way, never worked in a job and wanted us to live in absolute poverty) who refused to help to look after our daughter when I was at university, so that I had to arrange a childminder whilst he did NOTHING. This was when I did my BA. Back then I was able to get a grant and, after going without normal things for years, I went out and bought my daughter some new clothes and he went NUTS.Then, I had a long term partner who, when I did my MA, reacted like a big baby, even though on the surface he said he wanted me to do it. At every opportunity he undermined my chances, even though I was studying in a field that he had a good job in - we didn't live together but he would continually get drunk and turn up at my place at 4am in the morning, so I couldn't sleep. I was holding down a 4 day a week job at the same time and bringing up my daughter alone, so was very tired. Any time I tried to introduce him to my college friends he would say and do things to sabotage my reputation and cast suspicion on me. Because he had managed to get a good job in the field we all wanted to work in (through sheer favouritism, he'd never qualified), a lot of my potential friends believed him and it caused me a lot of problems making friends. When I did finally get my masters my colleagues and I arranged a short trip abroad with some of the tutors - this happened every year and was the way that everyone always finished the course. I had very little say in the dates or times for this because I was only a part-time student and the others were full time, so they usually always got to arrange things and know about things first. Anyway, I didn't even want to go but went out of sheer courtesy to everyone else. When I got back, my boyfriend dumped me because ...I had not arranged to get a flight back on his birthday and instead had returned the next day (there were literally no flights on his birthday).At that time I did not see what he was doing and I just didn't want to lose him. So I cow-towed to him and we stayed together.A few years later I started a PhD. That's when his sexism really became very obvious. He was SO obviously jealous of me making friends and starting to get work in the field I wanted AND I was getting attention from extremely intelligent men, whilst he'd been too lazy and too interested in drinking to educate himself properly. I had (with a lot of trepidation) already moved in with him and rented out my own flat to help to pay for my fees. He binge drank almost all the time, became very abusive towards me, sabotaging my chances at every opportunity and even spread rumours about me to his own colleagues - painting me in a very degrading light as someone who was using him. By that time I'd lived independently (financially and physically) from him for 12 years and, when I moved in with him, he helped me VERY minimally with living expenses - most of my expenses were covered by renting out my flat. He massively exaggerated his contribution and made me and my daughter (who was by now in university and working a job to pay her way in a different city) to be scroungers. Thing is, with this guy - and like yours - on the surface he kept insisting that he wanted me to do well and would also do things to make a show of trying to help me eg. to make contacts etc. But it was very, very obvious that HE had to come first - socially and at home he had been used to me giving him loads of attention because, as a young single parent I couldn't go out very much at all and he was used to me being at home, so I was almost like a second Mum, providing him with food and sex and the security of knowing I was always there.Finally I dumped him but no one would ever really believe that he did try to sabotage my career because he comes across as an adorable guy.What I'm saying is that men like this are everywhere. They NEED to feel that they have a woman at home, playing Mum not just to their children but to them as well. As soon as you try to step out of that and get a life for yourself and your child, they become so very threatened by it and feel their manliness is being undermined. It's so utterly sexist but very deeply ingrained that it just isn't easy to see it for what it is. There's a quite old film available - Educating Rita - which is really interesting because it gives an example of an ordinary, working class woman, trying to educate herself against the odds. It shows exactly how her husband responds and it's intended to send out a message to women to warn them that this is how some men will react. I'd really suggest you get a DVD copy and watch it - Julie Walters is in it and she plays the role of Rita brilliantly.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 I know of a few house husbands who complain about the boredom and the work involved with childcare. I think he knows how hard you are working but refuses to acknowledge the fact because it means he has to chime in with the housework. He's not thrilled with you going to college and getting an education degree because after you are working it means, again he has no excuse to not do the work at home.
When you put two tired people together, you rub it off on each other and there will always be resistance when asked to do something. One of you has to be the upbeat one as inspiration. You both work hard but his excuse is that he's the one making the money. I guess it's better for you to be the upbeat one here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Hi
There is a possibility that your husband doesn't want you to qualify and have the ability to become independent. Therefore he has no wish to make this easier for you in the hope that you give up. It might not be the case with your husband, but I have heard of this more than once with some men and have experienced it myself. There is no actual objection voiced, but the hope is that their aim is achieved by being passive/aggressive.
Something to think about maybe.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 Print out this very coherent and compelling question, and then hand it to him. Leave him alone with your toddler and go for a long walk. Don't have dinner ready. Don't have the ironing done or the laundry or have tidied up.
When you get back, you can tell him that when he asks 'what did you do all day?' you decided not to do any of it...
Maybe he'll the get the picture. There's an advertisement running here in the US with that rather entertaining picture.
I would sit him down, explain how you are feeling and then ask him how you two can work together to resolve things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): I'm hearing you ! I did a uni degree when I had four young kids at home and felt similar. People still treated it as a little hobby even though I had four and did a four year degree!!!!
He won't change and sounds like a chavanist. You will need to
Make your mind up whether you are going to continue putting up with it and trying to do everything
Personally , I made it clear that my h could not expect me to do every single thing alone , that I had goals that were important too and that if he couldn't me emotionally and physically through putting in some effort then I'd either move to my mothers where I got the support I needed ot go it alone . Afterall, he sounds like just another burden. Rather than a partner . It's sounds like you have two kids rather than one
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Unfortunately it propably won't get much better without your husband participating in the change. He wants to be just another kid in the house with food laundry meals and a clean house all because he deserves it. Why should he change, unless you are able to leave financially he has you tied up. If he is not interested in changing then assume you are going to be a single parent in the future and prepare to take all responsibility for yourself and your son. Now is good practice for the future while you are going to school to go back to the work force. Assume you are going to live as his slave until you finish your degree and get a job.
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